Doomed Journeys, Beer Logic and Stealing Home

Fuck Tacos

Remember that “Tastiest Taco” challenge me and Linds were supposed to embark on several months back? Yeah well, fuck tacos . . that’s what happened to that challenge.

Because, Cuban sandwiches seem to drop out of the sky in meat and potatoes Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Tacos? Not so much. Our doomed journey began with a mutual friend’s suggestion that we check out a dive bar he frequented. The lead seemed solid enough, and the beer specials were friendly. So we showed up on “Taco Tuesday”. As per the definition, it means that the establishment created a holiday just for tacos. Which means there should have been ample amounts of said tacos on the premises. SO many tacos that if you drew up satellite imagery, Pennsylvania would look like one big fucking taco from space.

Okay, maybe I’m being just a tad bit hyperbolic. But was it too much to ask that we might shake loose a taco or several on a day that was designated as ripe with the little buggers?

Beers First

We put in our drink orders first, because . . priorities. And besides, the first rule of taco eating is to always be hydrated. And I know, I know . . alcohol tends to have the opposite effect. Which is why you have to drink more of it.

It was a good thing we had our drinks when the horrible truth came down.

“We’re out of tacos . . ” The waitress informed us, as if it was no big deal that we weren’t going to be able to warm our taste buds in tortilla blankets. It would’ve been akin to saying Wednesday lost its hump or Saturday Night lost its fever. The Shakespearean tragedy of it all was lost on her.

Tacos Cardio

Top Five Thoughts on “We’re Out of Tacos” Night? . . sure why not.

5- Is it scientifically possible to ‘run out’ of tacos if you’re a restaurant? I mean, you can run out of tortilla shells . . but if you’re a restaurant and you ain’t got any of the other basic ingredients to a taco? You’re probably out of business.

4- We should have been gifted free beer for the regrettable inconvenience.

3-We went on a taco challenge and ended up on a taco diet.

2- If you run out of tortilla shells? Compensate with flat bread and corn chips . . close your eyes and bon apetit!

1- As a result of this ordeal, I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch Nacho Libre even once. That. Is. Sad.


The dive bar was strike one, after which there were another couple strikes in there somewhere . . it’s been a while now. The doomed challenge was not limited to restaurants, either. When I offered to make tacos for my kids, they turned them down. After which I realized I might never eat a taco again.

Sooooo, the winner of our Tastiest Taco challenge was . . . .

Yeah . . I know. But here’s the thing. You know what you get when you ask for a taco at Taco Bell? A fucking taco, that’s what!

At this point, you’re probably asking, ‘Hey Sorryless peeps . . so what’s the next food challenge’? To which we reply, there ain’t one. We’re gonna stick to erotic food stories with no specific main character from now on. We shall simply rejoice in the glory of food as we bang the shit out of it. How much more poetic can you get?


Fast forward to our latest jaunt . . . it was a dive bar, because we’re consistent with our culinary delights. Imma be the provocateur and give up the money shots. I ordered the wings with Chesapeake Bay sweet spice sauce. It was hot and sticky sweet as per the Def Leppard method of doing business. A promising opening act . . .


The pit beef sammy on a kaiser roll was played up on the restaurant’s website as if it was last meal delicious. Sorry but, if that was my last meal I’d skip dinner and buckle up for hell. I picked at it before deciding as to whether I would dive in and it proved dryer than Jason Bateman’s humor, so I decided I would try and revive it with some culinary surgery when I got home and chowed down on my side of onion rings instead.


The girls ordered gravy fries, which is a tasty combination of super foods- essential to a long life . . for your cardiologist. In Quebec, they add cheese curds and call the stuff ‘poutine’, because they’re so much more sophisticated than us ‘Muricans.


The girls got the cheesesteak with bacon crumbles on the side since Linds ain’t the biggest fan of bacon. It got me thinking. Imma order a side of bacon crumbles everywhere I go. Yes, especially Starbucks.

This particular establishment shall remain nameless for a couple reasons. For one thing, we ain’t got much of anything good to say about the place. The food was just ayt and the service was horrible. As I was packing up my sammy to go, I joked with the girls that I should take the plate as a parting shot.

“Take the plate Marc, please . . take the plate,”

As per Ali’s orders, I stuck the plate in my Styrofoam container and made way for the door. Let the record state that Ali was the mastermind of this heist, and I . . the unwitting accomplice. I come from a broken home and I never had a male role model growing up. Unless you count Pat Riley.

I don’t know if this will become a thing, but in the event it does, we might try our luck with tacos again. I really don’t give a blessed fuck about the tacos, but I do loves me some Fiestaware.





62 thoughts on “Doomed Journeys, Beer Logic and Stealing Home

  1. Y’all out near Lancaster? And got a cheesesteak with the proper cheese? A hundred years ago when I lived out that way, I got a cheesesteak somewhere with fake Kraft yellow cheese. No wonder I moved away after 6 months. So they’re finally doing it correctly?

    I’m calling the plate police. hahahaha

    Liked by 2 people

    • T Siz,
      And yet . . . tacos seem to escape these peeps! And wait . . a hundred years ago? So . . you’re a vampire? Too? 🙂
      If you call the state police, offer ’em up a cheesesteak wit out the kraft!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m not surprised the no quieren tacos. The diversity of the 21st century is just reaching some of those central PA people. Ooh… wait… are you from there? Am I insulting you? SORRY! If you are, you are of them, but not one of them.

        Yes, I’m a vampire! That’s it! This explains why I’m soooo pale.

        I’ll call the local yokels. The state police won’t eat that crap. They have to look nice in their ugly gray uniforms.

        Liked by 1 person

        • No worries. I am Bronx born but have called this place home for more than thirty years now. I’m happy my kids were born and raised here AND that they know foods from other places, which they do quite well.

          Liked by 1 person

          • The area has definitely changed. I’ve had the great good fortune to befriend peeps that come from all over the map.
            My kids knew genuine Mexican cuisine from their cousins in San Antonio when they were wee bitties. Legit Cubano from some of my old haunts in NY and they even tried (and loved) caviar at the Russian Tea Room before it closed its doors.
            The girl became a vegetarian a while back, but she is a true adventurer when it comes to her food. The boy reverted to simple dishes as he got older but he dabbles in better cuisine every now and again.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Bronx,
    I was wondering how to broach the subject of your latest food search without making you feel bad that you left us hanging… Now I’m glad I held back 😉 Wouldn’t want to be the one telling you, you failed. Though not by your faults, of course.
    Yanno… if ya wanna have a taco search, you should come north of the border to Montreal. We’ve got us more than a few cool joints… just sayin’. .
    I can see by the above food choices, y’all are trying to get a closer connection with your hearts… Though I am fairly sure these are not your daily choices, amiright?
    As for the liberating of the plate… you had to come away with SOMEthing good, right? While I cannot say I have dishes, I have to admit that I have quite the selection of beer glasses that were liberated by Mick. Why, he was even challenged once to steal a “giraffe” (basically a 2-foot tall structure that holds beer for a table, instead of getting a pitcher… plus it has a frozen doohickey in the middle to keep said suds cold – I promise, I’ll put it in a post one day 😉 )
    Excellent choice of music, as per…
    When food is faulty, there is always beer!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Quebec,

      It’s all Lindsey’s fault! She keeps falling in love. Which ain’t a problem, seeing as how it’s to the same girl.
      Wait? Montreal stopped doing hockey and not it does tacos?
      And you are correct, these dishes are not a mainstay of my daily dietary regimen. Pastas, fruits, nuts and plenty of water are. Gots to keep the right fuel for my runs, and gravy fries would never cut it.
      I wonder if our plate collection will grow, and if so, I really will be a nudge about choosing restaurants with better dishes. 😉 Pint glasses are always a smart idea.
      Now, the giraffe sounds like my kind of challenge. From experience, the bigger the piece, the more fun you have with it. And you’d be surprised at how easy it can be to jack some of that bigger stuff. I used to have a road sign/traffic cone/blinking light construction barricade. The latter I stole right off the Van Wyck Expressway, in the middle of the day! Put it in the trunk of my Mustang and off I went.
      LOVE this Cher tilt! Muchas gracias lovely . .

      Ben Franklin insisted that beer was the proof of God’s existence. The old bugger mighta been onto something . . .


      Liked by 1 person

      • B,
        Blame the love-struck girl… nice…
        Yeah well… shit. But Montreal has won a couple of games so far… there’s always that little smidgen of hope. As for the tacos, maybe Montreal has more Mexi-Cans and Lancaster has Mexi-Cants…
        It could make for quite the eclectic collection of plates, for sure. Pint glasses are a lot of fun. I can mix ’em with the beer I drink 😉 Course, I broke one of my Guinness ones lately, dammit.
        I thought you’d like that one. I have to agree, the bigger, the easier as it is more farfetched… You had a Mustang, too? I tell ya, you and Mick would’ve hit it off, big time!
        Cher – any time. That chick is still rockin’

        Ben Franklin was a wise man indeed.


        Liked by 1 person

        • Blamed her!
          The Canadiens are on fiaaahhh!!!
          Oh! Look at Q scoring with the Mexi-Cants! Which sounds like a Trump term, though. You sure you’re NOT a double agent?
          I love pint glasses so much . . . “How much do you love em Marc?” . . that if I don’t have one, I’ll just drink straight from the bottle.
          Mine was a ’78. Forgettable version, but it was mine. All my mafia friends had Trans Ams and Vettes, but I wouldn’t have traded mine for theirs anyways.
          She always will rock, that one.
          Ben loved his beer, so there’s that . . .

          Liked by 1 person

  3. You march right back there young man and return that plate. Naw just joking. You should do what I did with my ex-mother in law’s gift of a Christmas plate. I sent it sailing out over Mulholland Canyon. That sucker made Frisbies look lame. Must have been because it was a Spode.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So, um, I wasn’t born yesterday, and there are only two reasons one goes to a dive bar. Neither choice invloves eating food at the establishment. If you get my drift.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You always have a clever comment, Ella. And you tell those dive bars sistah!
      Nope, I ain’t given up or giving in. There will come a day when me and tacos will summit and all will be forgiven over tasty drinks.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t know. I may need to file for divorce from your blog.

    I can appreciate your Taco frustration. But, ahem, you live in Pennsylvania and consider a Taco Bell taco to actually be a taco.

    When I was a kid, my mom regularly made tacos for dinner. Lawry taco seasoning, ground beef, crunchy taco shells, lettuce, cheddar cheese. I call them white trash tacos. That’s what Taco Bell serves. They ain’t tacos!!! No, when you order a taco at Taco Bell, you don’t get a fucking taco, you get a fucking white trash taco! It is not an actual taco as a taco was meant to be.

    I see now what needs to happen.

    I know a certain blogger, writer, deep thinker who is willing to host you for a tour of taco joints and breweries in and around the Sacramento region. Jimboy’s. Chando’s. Alejandros. Nixtaco. Mas Taco. Hell, we could visit a different taco joint and brewery every day for two months and still have more to visit.

    By the way, one of the best tacos I ever had was at a local dive bar. It wasn’t Tuesday. But it was a tri-tip taco. The corn tortilla was warmed on the grill, cheddar cheese melted, tri-tip added, and a few other things. A truly remarkable creation. Don’t give up on dive bars and tacos. But you may need to give up on Pennsylvania as the source for the thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • King,

      Tell me how you REALLY feel. Buahahaha!

      You Cali peeps are hard core with your tacos, and for good reason. We wouldn’t know a good taco around here if it bit us in the ass, and that ain’t gonna happen because they’re not around here.

      I believe the “White Trash Taco” is gonna be a thing at Taco Bell. Because why not?

      My daughter spent time in New Mexico when she was going to school and also in San Antonio when she visited family with her mother. The girl is much more well versed than her old man when it comes to tacos.

      And look at you, the guide par excellence! I’ve no doubt the possibilities in your neck of the woods are endless, and man do they sound good! As does that tri-tip taco.

      Nope, I’ll never give up on dive bars. But I ain’t letting my location get the best of taco night from here on in. I’ll just make ’em my damn self!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sacramento doesn’t even come close to being the best taco haven either. Your daughter sounds like she’s been to a few. Back in the 90’s I had to travel a lot through California for work. One time I went to Reseda, a Los Angeles-area community. It seemed like there literally were two or three taquerias on every corner.

        As for making them yourself — it can be done.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Become a thing, as you’re gonna become a regular plate snatcher? {snorf} Sorry ’bout the taco bust. You’re right, s.u.p.e.r. lame. Who does that?

    A Starbucks pumpkin bacon latte just might has some juice. For bacon lovers anyway. They seem to eat ANYTHING with bacon on it. 🥓

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bummer taco journey … but running out on Taco Tuesdays? Hello – anyone home? Do you want people to return? Therefore, a chicken wing journey may be interesting … better yet – BBQ!

    PS: I sensed no sarcasm in this post – thus declare a sarcasm-free zone.

    Liked by 1 person

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