The Remedy to “It’s Not You” Syndrome

I don’t tend to suffer peeps who dish up apathy as if it’s homemade mac and cheese. Because life is unforgiving enough, and I happen to think that if you’ve arrived at an age where you can legally rent a car, you’re doing better than you probably imagined you might. So yanno, quit blaming everything and everyone else.

So it was that I was asked for my opinion on someone else’s particulars recently, and the preamble had me wishing I’d called in sick. She’s a pleasant enough young lady, pushing thirty with a vengeance. By this I mean, she’s angry at the fates for not having prescribed her domestic patent replete with matrimony and motherhood. An annual trip to the Caribbean would be peach, but she’d settle for a showplace to staycation in because she ain’t greedy.

I learned all of this over the course of a ten minute conversation, and while it’s ten minutes I ain’t ever getting back, at least I collected a post out of the deal. So there’s that.

When she arrived at the gritty of the nitty, his name was Pete. And he was many things, none of them rhyming with Prince Charming. I wasn’t able to get a word in edgewise as she recited the numerous offenses perpetrated by a guy whose crimes didn’t seem to warrant a trip to Nuremberg.

“So it was all him?”


“This guy. The reason you guys didn’t work out was entirely his fault?”

“Well . . I mean . . I’m not saying I’m perfect . . ”

“Of course not, but that’s not what I’m asking. What I want to know is, did you take an inventory of your shit and his shit?”


I proceeded to explain that it’s usually shared shit that sinks the ship. Unless he was beating on her (he wasn’t), in which case she would have had every right to take his ass out. And I’d have brought the shovels, lime and a bottle for the adjudication of the sonofabitch.

Short of that, I told her that the bogeyman application doesn’t work. Subconsciously, you’re burning your own bridge by manifesting this skewed portrait of a person who is no longer in your life. You’re actually questioning your own judgement without even knowing it, thereby stunting your emotional growth. And that kind of cycle only gets more vicious as time goes on.

“Own your shit. Be thankful for the experience and move on . . .”

It was all I could think to say, because it was evident she was going to choose option whatever else. Which is why I never understood why people ask for advice when what they’re really asking for is consensus.

I applied this same line of questioning to my friend Barry. His love thing is flickering into obsolescence on mortal coils whose romance done left the building long ago. And he suffers from the same affliction as most peeps who find themselves in the relationship checkout line. Shocked by the purchase of forever as if the individual they’re gonna Paul Simon out of their life came with a money back guarantee.

“You chose the drama you speak of, knowing full well that it wasn’t going to be nearly as adorable once you had to share basically every fucking thing,” I said.

“Yeah but I thought things would change,” Was his response.

That’s the Vegas lock response, every time.

“Did you ever think that maybe it’s your fault as much as hers?”

“Yeah . . .” He chuckled, with not even a hint of believability to it.

“Hey man, if you’re getting off the pot . . just do it. There’s nothing sadder than a grown ass man crying about how unhappy he is. Move to the Poconos and become an outdoors man and start a YouTube channel and stop whining about how some woman did something to you that you really did to yourself,”

I would’ve gone on, but I was out of liquor.














64 thoughts on “The Remedy to “It’s Not You” Syndrome

  1. B,

    You are preaching to the choir on this one! I am always amazed at how peeps become blind and deaf to their part in the story – unless things are peachy-keen, then it’s ALL them, of course.

    I never give advice unless asked for and then forewarn that if they are asking, they best be prepared for an answer. I will call them on their shit and I don’t pussyfoot any more than you do. However, you are right, most times those asking for advice are not asking for it at all. They want confirmation that they are right in this whole “mess” – which, as you and I are sure to point out we won’t.

    I have so often given the answer of “shit or get off the pot” when I get tired of the whining and whinging. Either do something or shut up. You are going nowhere and annoying me and wasting my time in the process. I could tell them they are wasting their time as well but that’s not what they want to hear…

    Of course, you have chosen the perfect tune for this 🙂


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      People see what they want to see. Hell, even when you are consistent as yours truly, those closest to you will somehow make it about them. They’ll write it off as being ‘human’, which is a convenient way of saying . . they’re human and I’m not. Funny how that works.

      Peeps are going to think what they think regardless of the forewarning. No less a philosopher than Kerli once opined that people aren’t against you, they’re just for themselves. This is, as the kids say, 100 percent.

      It’s the square peg/round hole theorem in which a person will continually subject themselves to the same dynamics, without ever stopping to consider their method of operation. And the language, it’s always the same. When men speak ill of a woman, she’s a “bitch”. When women speak less than eloquently of a man, he’s a “boy”, It’s so redundant as to hilarious. But I always know who I’m dealing with depending on that language. It’s a tell.

      Howard Jones was a sage inside the greatest decade in music history.


      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh you hit on so many good notes with this post…things I think about saying to people all the time. Own your shit. Take responsibility fir your actions. Stop blaming others. Accountability…what you did right, what you did wrong, what you want to change….I so relate to this….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Marco,

    I could so relate to this. I recently flushed a relationship with a woman who was constantly belting out the “Everybody Done Me Wrong” song. A person can only take so much of that before snapping and say, “No wonder. You’re a bitch and no one can stand being around you.” And that’s all I’ve got to say on the subject. Happy Tuesday. 😉



    Liked by 1 person

  4. “I never understood why people ask for advice when what they’re really asking for is consensus.” That is my favorite part. It made me think of my sister.

    When I feel wronged, I call my sister and within 5 minutes she is madder than I am and wanting to rally the troops and do some serious bodily harm. Before long I am laughing at both of us.

    Finally, we wipe away the tears of laughter and I ask, “So, I’m being stupid?”

    “Totally!” she replies.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. WAnts consensus and nkt advice – oh my word is this a common thing with some people – and I know we all can have confirmation bias at times – but some really are always failing to look at self

    Liked by 1 person

    • People rarely look at self. I’ve got a wholly different issue in that I look at self TOO often. It has provided much good, in that I have come to understand that money, beauty, status, etc are simply devices that can ruin you if you let them. Conversely, getting so deep inside my head results in intermittent shutdowns.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. When folks come at me and say, “Let me ask you something.” I would like to stop them and ask for a $100.00 bill. I would tell them the bill is refundable if my answer is dead on. If it is not what they want to hear then the bill is mine. I think that would stop a lot of “not my fault” crap. Super post, Pilgrim.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve been known to whine a bit when things aren’t going well in my marriage, but I don’t go around trashing exes. I do want a sympathetic listener sometimes. These two just seem to have an ax to grind (on your ear).

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s to be expected. If you can’t whine every once in a while, what good is being married? LOL.

      No, I never trash an ex. They had to deal with my crap just as much as I dealt with theirs. It’s the definition of moot point.

      Barry isn’t a pain about it, and with him I feel plenty fine with being totally on the level. He’s not going to be defensive or contentious about my advice.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I can tell when a person asks for advice because they truly want the relationship to last, and the person who wants you to provide them justification for leaving.

      As a long time bachelor now, I do not dole out relationship advice because I realize if I was so expert in the stuff, I wouldn’t be a long time bachelor. I simply think people need to figure themselves out first. And if they decide to commit, mean it. Do what it takes. Compromise, communicate, give a damn.

      I’ve not been in a serious relationship in ten years. I was headed in that direction a time or two since but I realized in each instance that I was incapable of doing what it would take to make it last.

      I love love. I simply found myself to be lousy at the long term love. So what I am saying in this ramble is, know yourself first. Really know yourself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • wel you are so right on all accounts – except for possibly one.
        but I will get tot hat in a moment.
        first – “know yourself first. Really know yourself.” yes as we have discussed before – and the worse part is when folks “think” they are in the know but they have never had anyone speak truth- my husband’s ex was like this – she was “talk to the iron hand” with any self work – and went (on and off) to the same counselor for decades (huge red flag with that for many reasons) – but even now – people are resistant and others are pussies when it comes to speaking up. Okay, maybe not weka pussies all the time (sorry for the poor choice of words on that) because sometimes it is not our place to speak up.
        we have made not deposits and we cannot make the withdrawal.
        and if we do speak up – it causes problems and friction and can be tough even if there are deposits made – so too often people hush away.

        and you can see right through the advice asking. My hubs sometimes says – “whats the statement behind the question” – etc.
        okay – one part I think you might be wrong on (just taking a guess here) but I think the reason you are single is because “she” has not come along yet.
        when you wrote:
        “but I realized in each instance that I was….”
        may I add something to it?
        but I realized in each instance that I was…
        “…not that into this one and in my gut could tell we would not last. Too many little things in this sorryless head could tell that it would not work…”
        am I right?

        Liked by 1 person

          • Haha – and I think that if it is truly a desire of your heart to have a ball and chain again – I mean to connect in that long term partnership – well God had it all lined up – and it is a matter of time.
            Because the hubs and talk about how if we met two, three or even five years before we did – we would not have been ready to anchor together – but when we did meet – it was a sweet timing and we had a green light (that is why I think you just have not found the “one” that really made your heart skip a beat! All red lights and yellow light gals – but the green light one will come….)

            Liked by 1 person

          • I like the you worded it (and did you know in 2015 I was going to start a supplement business – just with a few goodies – and the name was “green light go”
            It is okay that it did not work out – anyhow – wishing you a nice day my friend

            Liked by 1 person

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