So I gotta start by saying what the fuck?! Keanu Reeves is a Canadian? I mean, when in the fuck did that happen? Because when I watched him in dose Matrix flicks, he was an American. And that movie about the bus where he ends up banging Sandra Bullock at the end? Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was an American in that one too . . .
Anyways, Marco asked me to do a movie review for Siberia, and it’s about time he asked me back . . da stupid prick! But he wasn’t doing me any favors as things turned out, because this movie was a more worthless piece of shit than my Uncle Tony.
Things start out okay, because here I was thinking it was a John Wick movie where someone kills his dog at the beginning and then he ends up taking out half of Russia. But no, this ain’t that. At all. It’s . . . what would Marco call it? It’s got more of that nuance shit that he eats up . . that I happen to find more pointless than patchouli, but be that as it may. I kept watching because I’m an asshole or something . .
Reeves plays a diamond merchant named Lucas who travels to Russia, because da guy can’t find a movie role that doesn’t involve fucking Russians. He’s in St. Petersburg . . . da other St. Petersburg, where he’s supposed ta hook up with this degenerate named Pyotr. But the guy ain’t nowhere to be found.
So now . . there’s this Russian gangster, which is fucking redundant since every Russian I ever met is a gangster. His name is Boris . . again, redundant. And he’s pissed ya see? Because Lucas, the dumb prick, got screwed ovah by Pyotr and so he aint’ got da diamonds . . and now Boris is gonna cut his balls off if he doesn’t fix this shit. Again . . redundant.
Lucas goes to Siberia to find this Pyotr douche bag. His first night there, he gets in a fight with some Russians that doesn’t go well, because he’s no John Wick. This hot numbah of a waitress named Katya, of fucking course, tells Lucas that her broda thinks they’re sleeping together so get this . . she asks him to bang her. Which he does because he’s not a total schmuck.
And dat’s it! Da rest of this fucking movie is Lucas looking for Pyotr and him banging Katya. Oh yeah, da wife of this Lucas guy? Molly fucking Ringwald . . . and I had no idea! Because you see her like once, and then she’s like, well go bang dis Russian chick if that’s what you wanna do, ya stuttering prick, see if I care! So Lucas bangs her . . like twenty times over the next howah. Evidently, he’s looking ta see if maybe this chick tucked the diamonds up her ass or something.
So Lucas’s trip to Siberia consists of banging Katya and going bear hunting with the guys who kicked his ass earlier in the movie. Fucking genius . . . I mean, who da fuck goes bear hunting with Russians . . outside of Dick Cheney?! And at some point, he finds out that Pyotr fucked him over and sold the diamonds.
Later on, Lucas decides to sell Boris some fake diamonds while wearing a wire because he figures it’s the only way he’s getting out of Russia. Of course, the only good ideas dis guy has are coming from his other head. He does end up finding Pyotr . . dead on a toilet. No diamonds . . .
In da last scene, Lucas gets into a shootout with a piece of shit rifle and somehow is able to kill all the guys who are afta him . . except the one guy he shoulda killed first, because he ends up killing Lucas. Which means he ain’t gonna be banging Katya for da hundredth time inside an howah and a half . .
Thank God
Hey Joe,
First off – yeah. He’s Canadian. And despite this particularly bad move (which I can’t believe Marco aksed you to watch – and I’m sorry you did), he’s one of ours so. Yeah. He might PLAY an American but no.
I’ll have to agree with you. Nuance only goes so far. And in this type of movie, that means nowhere. And seriously. Boris? Katya? Are there no other names in Russia? And seriously, can you blame Lucas for banging her? I mean he’s got Molly Ringwald at home – and no one recognized her! She ain’t Pretty in Pink no more.
I hav’ta tell ya, Joe. You do movie reviews like no other. I watched the damn thing and felt myself zoning out and after reading this, you reminded me of why!
Funny how he turned John Wick by the end, but not quite, coz yanno, he didn’t survive.
I hope the next time Marco akses you to do a review, he gives you a good one. He thought he was doing well, though. This was supposed to be an action flic – though the description is ROMANTIC crime thriller. Dintcha just feal the romance or was it too nuanced?
Sorry you had to go through that,
Canadian Chick
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Yanno? I kinda am taking a liking to Canadian chicks thanks to you. You got a real attitude though. It must be all that sahcasm you guys are famous for . . .
Da Russians have otha names . . like Vladimir and Katarina. I dated a Katarina once. Well, I ordered her, express shipping, from Minsk. She had a shoe habit though, cost me a fortune!
I couldn’t believe that putz, Marco, gave me dis movie ta review! I mean, what da fuck was he thinking? Because I tuned in to SEE John Wick and I got John Doe.
See? That was the first clue this movie was a piece of shit. What in da FUCK is a romantic crime thrillah anyways? And no, I didn’t feel no nuance. If I saw any nuance, I woulda shot it.
Me too! Next time I’m gonna tell Marco what movie I’m watching.
Watcha doing Friday?
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I think you like the attitude. You’d be bored to tears if I was to wussy and quiet.
Guess what, Joe… Katarina is long for Katya so… try again. What do you expect when you order on line? I’m sure you could afford the shoes.
I know you’re frustrated but I kinda like when you have shit to say. I thought he was more like John Dud but Doe will do.
I dunno what in the fuck a romantic crime thriller is but I don’t think this was one. I betcha you woulda.
That’s a great idea, Joe. You tell him!
Oh, I’m watching a movie…
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Well I happen ta know you ain’t no wussy . . .
Get da hell outta heah! I swore it sounded romantic as hell when she told me hah name. So MANY syllables.
The Doe made a Dud, and it’s a good thing I like Reeves or I woulda taken out his kneecaps . . .
Romantic crime thrillah means ya probably are gonna be pissing away a money, THAT’S what it means!
I’m gonna tell that bastid!
Are ya?
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You got dat right, Joe!
I’m telling ya. It’s one of those names.. Sounds better all long, eh?
Yeah, Me too. I had such high hopes for the movie cuz I really like Keanu (speaking of syllables). Let’s give him a chance. He does another dud, then have at him.
There’s a good chance that’s what it means.
You do that! Don’t let him push you around.
Yep. Don’t know what yet!
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I know, right?
I nevah dated a chick who was so smaht! She had a degree is cosmetology! Which means she was an expert when it came to the solah system.
Okay . . maybe I was getting ahead a myself. He deserves one more chance. One . . . .
Ya tink?
I won’t . . buhleeve me.
Huh. Well, I’d love to take ya out some time . .
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You are so smart.
Hahaha! Now THAT’S smart!!
Just one.
Makes sense to me. Was trying to think of a good romantic crime thriller that was good…. Does that other Reeves movie “Speed” count?
Well. We’ll have to see…
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I been called a smaht ass palenty a times . . .
WITHOUT the ass! Yanno what honey, you’re alright!
Whaddeva you say sweet haht
Ya mean da one where he bangs that Sandra Bullock chick? Shuah . . if you say it does.
Keep my numbah . . .
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Why am I not surprised?
Glad you think so, Joe!
You’re so agreeable!
Yeah, that one. Dontcha think?
You got it. Put it in my little black book.
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It ain’t often a chick calls me agreeable, yanno. I’ll look forward to hearing from ya . . .
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Take it while you can, Joe. Who knows when the next occasion will arrise?
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Ya got dat right! I ain’t getting any youngah . . .
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There ya go! 😉
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😉
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I love when JP shows up
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Isn’t he the BEST movie reviewer?
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No doubt…
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😉
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It had been too long . . .
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Seriously…
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Hahaha!
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Welcome back Joe! I’ve missed you. Sure I’ve heard the phrase ‘stuttering prick’ before. Some funny guy, made me laugh, a clown, amused me….cheers!
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Hey, yanno . . . I seem to remember that night . . .
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Joe is the best movie reviewer. Of course it would be a huge shock if we discovered that he was Canadian. I’ve got a feeling Joe is a bit jealous that he wasn’t in on all the bangin’.
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Joe is every bit as American as Michael J What’s His Name. Don’t tell Q . . she is stuck on the idea that he was born somewhere other than Ohio.
And yeah, Joe probably wishes he’s been stuck with Katya in Siberia. LOL
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I turn around for one second and here you go sputtering that hogwash again. What am I gonna do with you? You can’t have MJF
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Hogwash . . you say? Why Q . . I was simply curious as to why an individual who was clearly born in Ohio, as per the Family Ties show, all of a sudden wound up north of the border . . .
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Sigh… B. You do just like to test me…
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Moi?
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Oui, toi!
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Why . . I have no idea what you’re talking about . . .
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Uh huh. If you say so.
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😉
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😉
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I won’t tell Q, but she has a way a finding out stuff.
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I really should delete this comment . . .
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So listen up pencil neck. youse better not send my palsie Joe into no more of dese intellectual mind fuckin’ movies. Don’t you know he’s da man when it comes to relating the particulars of any piece of filmuloid entertainment? He normally cuts to the finish and you don’t have to wonder if you need to spend the $52.00 on a ticket, popcorn, big gulp, and fuckin’ raisenettes. He tells it like it is from a storical perspective. Not like trying to figure out stupid commie names and why someone is forgetting about Molly fuckin Ringworm at home. So da net time give him some meat that he can get his teeth into. Your friend – Tiny
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Hey Tiny, Marco here . . . Joe had to leave. He had an ‘appointment’ with some guy from Jersey. Something about having to ‘move’ some HD-TV’s off a truck. The guy loves his popcorn money, I’ll tell you what.
But he’ll be back to comment, and I’m sure he’s gonna agree with you on all points. I kind of pissed him off with this assignment, so I’ll have to throw him a really good selection next time around.
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Da only good part was banging that broad a hunnart times in an howah. So yeah, let Joeseph pick his own shit. Den there’ll be nutten for him to complain about except the lousy pizza.
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You do GREAT Joe Pesci
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Dats Tiny. A course he’s sorta kinda like Joe. Tanks, Marco. Gimme a fist bump.
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There ya go!!
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By the way. This was great. John said that.
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Hey Boss, it’s me! Joe. . . .
Yeah, I got back early. Turns out that truck . . . uh . . . delivery . . didn’t happen. Too many state troopahs around . . .
But Marco promises me he’s gonna give me a better movie to review da next time. I don’t know that I trust the bastid, so I might just choose my own, and ta hell with him.
Thanks fah being on my side
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Any time Joe. It was really Tiny who got on Marco. I’m just saying.
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I find dat amusing . . .
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Heh heh. Amusing like haha amusing? Or is it that I amuse you. What is it about what I said that is amusing?
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I dunno . . it’s how you tell a story . . .
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A story? So how do I tell a story?
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***Long, somewhat frightening pause***
. . . Get the fuck outta here . . . Tommy!!!
***The joint erupts in laughter . . no gunfire****
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I had you going there. Didn’t I?
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You got me!!!
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Joe, you should take Roger Ebert’s place in the pantheon of film critics. And don’t ask me what a pantheon is, cause I haven’t a fuckin’ clue!
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First off . . tanks!
And this pantheon woid? It sounds like a disco I used ta go to back in da eighties . . .
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So much shit.
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I’m a huge B movie fan, but this wasn’t that. There was zero art to this.
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And ‘Canadians’ are supposed to be nice and gentle. Man, I gotta tell you I love these Joe Pesci reviews. Rotten Tomatoes got nothing over you guys! 🍅🍅🍅
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Don’t let the maple syrup exterior fool ya. They’re gangstas when they wanna be!
Joe Pesci as a movie critic is something the world needed(?)
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Damn straight. How else can the rest of us cope with what’s going on? 😃
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I will toast to that!
On Friday . . .
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So….. you’re Joe?
I can tell you loved this film. It must have been nominated for something?
If we’re lucky, maybe it will be like the tapes in”Mission Impossible” and self destruct in 10 seconds.
I only hope K & K left their hats on! (Was just over to Dale’s aka Thunder!)
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Yeah, it was nominated for da film most likely to be dumped in Jersey . . .
I hope! That would be poifect if this ting just exploded, nevah to be hoid from again.
THAT was tasty huh?
Thank you lovely!
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Fun with Thunder!
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Couldn’t have said it sexier myself!
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😀
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