When Football Meets Festivus

Miami Dolphins 2020 Draft - 1st Round Draft Picks Since 2000 - The Phinsider

This Thursday night, the NFL will prove once again that professional football is playing chess while all the other sports are playing checkers. More fans will tune in to watch an event where no game is being played than will watch the World Series or NBA finals. From its humble beginnings, the NFL Draft has become America’s second most favorite sporting event behind only the Super Bowl. And the added bonus is that Tom Brady can’t win this one . . I don’t think.

The first NFL Draft took place in 1936 at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Philadelphia, inspired by an all out bidding war, a mayoral candidate out of Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota and the Brooklyn Dodgers. The NFL was comprised of nine teams at the time, with Stan Kostka- a star running back for the University of Minnesota- being the coveted prize. Rather than signing right out of school, Kostka decided to hold out. He even ran for mayor of his hometown before inking a deal with the Brooklyn football Dodgers for the princely sum of $5,000 dollars. When some owners cried foul, a selection process by which college graduates were chosen by teams was agreed upon, and the draft was born.

The presumptive top pick in the 2021 NFL draft- Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence- will sign a four year contract for somewhere in the neighborhood of $35 million when the Jacksonville Jaguars make their selection. And he won’t even have to run for mayor to get it.

I just figured out who Trevor Lawrence looks like | SECRant.com

The only Vegas lock is that Trevor Lawrence will be the first overall choice as God, Central Casting and Mattel intended. After which a quarterback feeding frenzy will ensue since the prevailing opinion is that getting the quarterback right is more important than electing a President. Don’t take my word for this, just ask 2016.


Quarterbacks are the belles of the ballers, since every club dreams of plucking the next Tom Brady out of a bag of maybes. Of course, back in 2000, nobody knew Tom Brady was going to be Tom Brady, seeing as how he was selected with the 199th overall pick. But that doesn’t stop teams from trying, and usually failing. And this year, no fewer than five quarterbacks . . and perhaps as many as six or seven, will be chosen in the first round alone. It’s the Waiting For Godot Theory, where teams let Jesus take the wheel . . . so long as he can sling the ball, use complete sentences and stay out of trouble for at least ten minutes.

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Historically speaking, wide receiver is another popular position even though the failure rate for first round receivers is higher than Snoop Dog was last Tuesday. Choosing a first round receiver is akin to buying the latest Apple product. You’re going to pay way too much for something you want but really don’t need. The Odell Beckham Jr. Rule states that a first round wide receiver should possess more playoff wins than hair colors in order to be worth the investment. The Browns did make a playoff run this year . . . after OBJ got injured and was out of the lineup, so there’s that.

NFL mock draft 2021 (4.0): Oregon's Penei Sewell prepares for a reunion and the 49ers make a surprise QB choice; trades and other first-round predictions - oregonlive.com

If you’re looking to maximize your Maximus, you gotta go big or you might as well go home. Offensive linemen are like the dorky girl in that eighties teen comedy who gets a makeover during the musical montage. When most of the popular girls- quarterbacks and wide receivers- have already peaked, the O-linemen are just getting started. If the Miami Dolphins selected Oregon left tackle Penei Sewell based entirely on the image above, I would be totally on board. He’s the winner of my Rick Ross Boss Award. I mean, he’ll beat the Jets twice just by fixing that stare on their asses!

NFL Draft Preview: Florida's Kyle Pitts headlines deep, but not elite, tight end class

Then there’s Kyle “The Unicorn” Pitts. He’s a tight end/receiver hybrid who is currently the “IT” player this football holiday season. He wins the Johnny Come Lately Award for this year’s event since he’s the new kid in town and everybody loves him most of all because there are only a couple days to the draft and not enough time to hone in on some other can’t miss prospect. The only critiques I can offer as far as this kid is concerned is that he doesn’t play quarterback, and he didn’t play for the U in Miami. I would be over the moon excited if Miami ends up grabbing him at 6, but please . .don’t tell Penei Sewell I said that.

None of this matters, of course. Because trying to predict how a college player’s skills will translate to the next level is akin to teaching a cat how to wake you up in the morning without using their claws. It’s why your guess is as good as the so called experts who write up dozens of mock drafts over the course of a year . . each one wronger than Khloe Kardashian’s Instagram page.

As long as the Dolphins don’t select Stan Kostka, Imma chalk it up as a win.

36 thoughts on “When Football Meets Festivus

  1. Love the bookends of the opening history and Nat King Cole. (BTW – a Quickstep would be the dance to that song.). Your Fins are in a good spot for a win-win – well, all based on what my Bengals do at #5. Fins take the one the Bengals don’t. There are two kickers. What will ATL do at 4 – including trading down – which could set up a Bengal trade down but stay in the top 12. I’m justa sayin’.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t try that, but glad it worked out that way now that you mention it. And Nat King Cole is always close by, at least for me.

      The Dolphins SHOULD take Sewell if he’s there at 6. As much as I love Pitts and would be thrilled with the pick, we can get a WR or two later. We need to keep hitting that line up, especially with the Flowers trade.

      The truth is, the Bengals should ALSO take Sewell. They want Joe upright.


  2. My husband has been obsessively watching sports news about the draft. He had something on yesterday about the Jets and their inability to make a solid decision…it was pretty good, even as a non football fan

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Not a big sports fan, here. I usually tune in if a Toronto team get in to the semi-finals.
    Didn’t go to the massive monster adoration fest when the Raptors won.
    Still, this is a well written article, with facts and humour! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The attention made to the NFL Draft is the best sign that the NFL is the Death Star of American sports. It just amazes me how much attention this stupid sport gets even when they aren’t actually playing games. I can only hope that the NFL meets the same end as the Death Star eventually did.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. B,

    Dadgummit. I lost my response. Sigh. Imma try to be as witty as I was the first time. Which wasn’t all that much since the draft is a subject that confounds me to no end. I mean the hows and whats and whos. As in the why this team gets that pick and what goes into the wheeling and dealing of switching places for this one or that one leaves me dizzy.

    What does not leave me dizzy is the way you dish out the prose to make some sense of this whole crazy thing that is the next level of must-see-TV for the football junkies out there (and even those who only dabble). Wow. What a shift from the original 1936 bidding war! Makes you wanna go back in time and then find a way to tweak it so it didn’t become such a multi-million dollar affair. Hah! Sorry, lost my mind there for a sec…

    And we agree that no matter who is top dog choice-wise, there is no guarantee that he will be successful in the big boys’ team. That said. I’m looking forward to you filling me on your Thursday night!

    And yes. Anytime. Mr. Pussy-Willow voice is always a good choice. I love me some Nat King Cole.


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      I didn’t realize a Canadian girl could speak American Ball Coach! What is the world coming to . . it’s fantastic!

      The draft is not all that difficult to understand. The basics are, collegiate players are recruited by professional clubs with the worst clubs picking highest to the best clubs who pick the latest. And then it’s made difficult, like everything else, by really smart people who make too much money doing something that will not cure cancer or end poverty.

      Sorry to get so dark there, it happens.

      Anyways, I find the whole production kitschy. It’s like watching a reality show that is actually . . interesting! Served up with chips and dip? Even better.

      It’s like anything else. From going to the movies to buying a car. It’s all WAY more expensive with the only difference being, we need movies to get us out of the house and we need cars to get us there. But we really don’t need sports. We just think we do. And that is the magic of it all right there.

      No guarantees . . you’re right. Imagine, a twenty year old kid is handed the keys to a franchise. He’s expected to be its fearless leader, the face, the brand. AND he has a cool, twenty . . thirty million in the bank just like that. I mean . . it’s impressive the number of kids who make it work.

      Nothing like him 😉


      Liked by 1 person

      • Hah! It was a toss-up between dadgummit and dagnabbit… LOL

        Oh, I get the last picks first and the first picks last… it’s the in-between shenanigans that confuse the hell out of me! But I’m with you on making way too damn much money for what they do.

        It’s a good place to go dark because it puts things into perspective.

        You make me half want to watch it for the first time in my life. Maybe I’ll get myself some chips and dip for the occasion 😉

        It is magic! To create a need where there is none, really.

        I can’t imagine what I would have done at that age with that amount of expectation and that much cash at my disposal…

        No. He was one of those special ones.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Very, very well done. I am impressed.

          If THAT confuses you, I’ll spare you the Jimmy Johnson Draft Pick Value Chart, which states that a first overall pick is worth 3,000 points while a 32nd pick is worth 590 points. This chart was actually used by front office personnel when making trades.

          The value chart is dark web stuff.

          It’s great background noise, if nothing else. I’ll tune in and then write. As happens most years, a text or a phone call will alert me to what I just missed LOL.

          The NFL has mastered this.

          These kids deserve more kudos than they get. We hear about the train wrecks all the time, but the vast majority get it done. It’s pretty fucking impressive if you ask me.

          He could sing a commercial jingle and make it sound like a velvet hug. Tell you what . . .

          Liked by 1 person

          • I bow in thanks…

            Well now… if you draw me a picture…

            I believe it!

            I hear you… It’s what keeps you in the know without having to invest too much 😉

            They have.

            They do. And train wrecks sell… just look at the news. Over and over and over it’s the dreck. This is why we go to your Heroes on Fridays!

            That he could…

            Liked by 1 person

          • Don’t bow. Reckonize yo bad self sistah!

            No need to draw a picture, just check out a Jackson Pollack painting. ANY Jackson Pollack painting . . . And FYI, the chart is no longer used much.


            I logged off after missing the 18th selection. Kept it on the 4 letter but got to writing up Heroes and getting lost in the rabbit hole of YouTube and scoping out stories for NEXT week.

            Train wrecks do sell. Except for that movie of the same name with Amy Schumer, which I think five people went to see.

            To Fridays!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Right. I shall stand tall and assume myself!

            Ah… Makes so much more sense, then!

            Told ya you were smart.

            Which I more than gladly provided despite it be an undesired choice…

            They do. Oh gawd. Don’t remind me. I was one of the five…

            To Fridays!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Righteous!

            Yes? Does it?

            No worse for the wear is the way I see it.

            Ain’t nothing undesired about the choice. It’s just a reach is all due to health concerns. IF it works, it will be great.

            Oh no!



  6. You know I love your title. That alone is worth a high-five. But you know the draft is the only sporting event type deal I don’t watch. Not even when Rodgers was leaving Cal. I’m not a huge fan of it but I love the enthusiasm in which you tell it. And on a side note I never thought the Browns would creep out of last place in my lifetime but man, I guess they were in it. Sunshine and waves hermano:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cali

      I watched until Miami’s 18th pick, which I actually missed in real time because my internet went out and I had to reboot.

      The draft is kitschy, and I dig that. A million and one things going on and nobody has any blessed idea what’s really going to happen until it happens. With my favorite part being how some peeps grade the round five minutes after it ends. Love it.

      The Browns are for reals.We have arrived at Bizarro World.

      Sunshine and waves hermana

      Liked by 1 person

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