To Bee Or Not To . . . Okay, That Sounded Way Better In My Head

Run Away by Luciano Laborde for Indicius on Dribbble

Bees have always fascinated me, from the first time a couple of wasps rolled up and capped my ass when I was seven years old. I remember screaming all the way home as my arm burned with the intensity of a thousand suns. This might sound like hyperbole, if you’ve never experienced the lava laced lip-lock of this miniaturized fighter jet. But if you know how it feels to be kabobbed by the little fuckers, then you understand.

Ever since then, it has been my wish to admire the little buggers from afar. And by that I mean from as afar away as I can get without having to price real estate in Antarctica. And yes, I realize how important bees are to our eco-system. They’re more essential to humankind than Amazon. They work harder than an Alaskan crab fisherman. And their final drafts are tastier than anything the Cohen Brothers ever dreamt up.

I know a beekeeper. Well, let me rephrase that. I know a hobbyist who has decided that honey bees would be a really interesting hobby. I can only assume this is out of geographical necessity, since she would have to travel extensively if she wanted to chase storms or wrestle alligators. Lucky for her, bees live everywhere . . . excepting for Antarctica.

My curiosity was piqued when she told me that working with bees was her Zen. I asked her if she understood what Zen meant before diving into more pertinent questions, such as . . . why beekeeping? Admittedly, I never got past that initial question, because I think it’s a really great fucking question.

“I’m learning a lot,” Was her cheery response.

“And so rather than Google bees, you decided to take the scenic route?”

“I love working with bees . .”

I do not understand this mentality since I’ve never actively sought the company of bees in my life. Any interaction I’ve ever had with a bee was purely accidental; it came as the result of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, either for the bee or for yours truly. Oftentimes both. As Vito Corleone would say, as best as their interests don’t conflict with mine, we cool.

More than 75 Percent of All 'Honey' Sold in Grocery Stores contains No Honey At All - HealthyLifeBoxx

My relationship with bees works like that of a dedicated pot smoker. I don’t approach the farmers who grow the stuff because that’s not how it works in a civilized society. Instead, I do my business through a third party in order to score my fix, and this risk-averse arrangement works splendidly.

I get that honeybees come in peace and all they wanna do is keep mama happy, and that’s great. I also understand that the following sentence never would have happened if she had taken up, oh . . I don’t know, chess as a hobby?

“I was stung twice, but it was my fault . . ”

She explained to me that honeybees are not aggressive by nature and will only sting you if they feel threatened. And of course I’d heard that somewhere and had dismissed it entirely, and you know why? Because an insect that comes packing heat and who cannot communicate with you until the shot has already been fired is not my idea of a hobby so much as a dare.

“Hey. you know what doesn’t sting you? Chess pieces,” I said, the ratio of snark to sense delivered up as expertly as a well done Martini.

Good for her though, really. And for bees . . . and for the whole wide world. That there are people who do this kind of thing so that the rest of us can reap the sweet rewards is proof that love is indeed crazy. All I know is, us humans best keep our house in order. Because if there ever comes a day when our resources are so depleted that every individual is enlisted to work with bees in order to nurse the world back to health?

Well . . you know where you can find me.






23 thoughts on “To Bee Or Not To . . . Okay, That Sounded Way Better In My Head

  1. Ha! You’d probably be playing chess! I’m with you on this one. I know they are super important I did watch that Bee movie, you know 🙂 but I’m totally not cool in getting stung. It sucks, and if your kid gets stung that’s even worse. The scream be crazy. The only Sting I enjoy is the one that sings Message in a Bottle 🙂 ha! I’m so cheesy. But they do seem like an interesting species. High five to your friend who is brave and curious enough to learn more 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have, I do, and I will choose chess . . every day of the week and all day Sunday. No sting, just strategy.

      You saw the Bee movie huh? I didn’t. But yes, they are super important to us, and I thank them for their hard work and all, but as far as shaking hands? Probably not.

      You’re so right. When my kids would get stung, I wanted to kick the bee’s ass.

      That is the correct answer as far as Sting is concerned. I’m cheesy too, as your blog hermano, yanno?

      Bees are interesting enough that I will keep Googling them as she keeps inspecting her shelves. Woot!


  2. B(ee) Bzz Bzz Bzz,

    This was a most enjoyable post – as only you can deliver ’em!

    Bees and wasps, as you know, may wear similar coloured clothing but the couture is different. Wasps/hornets/yellow jackets/bumble bees are nasty, unfriendly bitches who take pleasure in stabbing you multiple times. I have been kabobbed as you say but one such little fucker when it got stuck between my hand and the door handle. Sonovabitch (or, as we like to say salamabeetz)! Did that burn like the devil’s tongue.

    Like you, I prefer them to keep their distance. Oh, I am good with honey bees, they really are gentle little things that provide us with such a delightful elixir. But I do still respect my distance. Unless one is gorging her/himself on the nectar found in flowers. Then, I get up close and personal with a camera between me and it. They don’t seem to mind when I do that.

    The folks who own the “Cook in Tuscany” biz (where I had my trip of a lifetime) have recently taken up beekeeping, too… ‘Course, I don’t see them getting up close and personal… methinks they’ve hired hands to do so. Glad they are doing their part!

    Love the comparison between the pot grower and honey maker – only you could come up with such!!

    “…packing heat and who cannot communicate with you until the shot has already been fired..” killing myself laughing over here! You are too much. And I love it.

    Methinks we will find you somewhere near… oh… Antarctica?


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      My ears are . . . wait for it . . . buzzing.

      And you’re as sweet as honey, you know that?

      Couture is officially going INTO the file! Let it Bee babay! And yes, those little terrorists buzzing around, just itching to attack little old me and you because they know they can get away with it! I gotta call Joe!

      Why do I imagine you might find a bee doing his business on a flower in one of your WW? Hmmmm. . .

      Hopefully the hired hands wear gloves.

      It’s true! I get my primo shit through my grocer, and the best part is? I can charge it!

      Again, true. I have always been leery of any creature whose emotions you cannot gauge. Outside of fish, which I’ve owned because I feel sorry for them, being all cooped up in a tank like that. And then of course I overfeed them and they die . . so there’s no winning.

      Not nearly. Unless the bees want to take over. In which case, hell yes!



    • They are the longshoremen of bees in those things. Wasps are nasty because they’re so pissed off. You ever see how tightly pinched their waists are? I’d be pissed too.


  3. Fun post
    And like the reminder at the end about the serious value of bees!
    And this bee and honey 🍯 hobby and exploration offers some nutritional value
    – I have heard that when people eat local honey it could help with allergies

    Liked by 1 person

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