Tonight We’re Gonna Party Like It’s $19.99

I never quite understood what “if memory serves me right” meant, until now.

When I borrow the term, it means I’m applying a hedge to my guess. I’m slapping a plus/minus to a given year since my memory ain’t what it used to be. I guess it’s true that the more time you blow through, the more expensive it becomes.

October of 2014 was (probably) the last time I considered Halloween parties a good idea. Which makes me an insufferable bore, thereby ensuring my omission from future entanglements. That’s how win marries win without anybody getting hurt in the process. I’m nothing if not a simple Samurai.

Parties have become a perilous excursion for me as it is. Outside of family or close friends, I no longer attend get togethers that require an RSVP. And I’m less inclined to consider one that involves costumes, alcohol and strangers. Except that I am. Considering it. Only because the hostess is fun and not an ex and . . well did I mention she wasn’t an ex?

Of course, this means I have to dust off “Marco’s Party Rules”, to which I’ll employ my power five. . .

The 3 Person Rule- If you can wrangle up three people you would spend a couple hours with, no problemo. This list cannot include the host/hostess since they will be preoccupied. And it cannot include someone who does not drink or someone who drinks too much. And no Scientologists.

Don’t Get High On Your Own Supply- Don’t partake of the bottle you gift. You’re not a Scientologist!

Tunnel Vision- Make certain to focus on the familiar. Dwelling on strange faces will make the evening feel like a Dario Argento flick.

Lie, Humorously- A great way to break the ice is to introduce yourself with a lie. I’m talking devil-may-care shit like “Nah, I don’t know the hosts, I was passing through and saw all the commotion and decided to grab a quick bite!”.

Be Unapproachable- Fuck breaking the ice, it’s better not to engage in the first place. A helpful yardstick is for your personality to reside somewhere between a member of the Taliban and a Sandinista on holiday.

So I’m trying to build a posse for this party, and my recruitment began with Nicole. She’s a farmer’s wife whose hobby is harvesting pollen from honeybees. She clearly lives a dangerous life and I need that kind of firepower for this operation.

“Barry’s definitely going,” She assured me, as if she was selling me a baby blue Cadillac Eldorado, which he most certainly is not.

“He doesn’t drink, he loves Jesus and he’s got a new girlfriend, so . . nope,”

“Is Brandon going?”

“Too young,”


“Too Catholic,”

“Did you ever think maybe you’re too particular?”

“All the time, but that’s beside the point. What I want to know is, are you going?”

“Halloween parties always feel like a good idea,” She began.

But . . .

“. . but it never works out that way . .”

She’s right of course. Halloween parties are like that summer blockbuster (all of them) that you can’t wait to see, after which you curse yourself for having been born in a country that encourages such atrocities.

So if my memory serves me right, I think I’m busy that weekend.

46 thoughts on “Tonight We’re Gonna Party Like It’s $19.99

  1. Snor! I’m with you. If I can’t bring my dog, it’s a hard pass. Come to think of it, if I can bring my dog it’s STILL a hard pass. Not that I’m anti-social…but ahem…I problem am. At least the past 18 months would seem to confirm that. 🎃

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Almost all parties are an easy no, even easier in this era of the delta variant. But a party where the faces and bodies of the (mostly) strangers you’re supposed to engage with are purposefully disguised? That’s just creepy.

    Liked by 2 people

    • No kidding, RW.

      And being that we’re in Lancaster County, which is still pretty conservative on the whole, I’m sure there would be more than a few people who haven’t been vaccinated.


  3. B

    I seem to recall that you actually DID go to a party in 2018, or was it 2019? Then again, if memory serves me, it was with your close friends. Never mind! I said nothing!! Carry on…

    I, for one, cannot stand, nay, I LOATHE Hallowe’en parties. Never got all jazzed about what costume I would create for the occasion. Hell, the few times I was forcibly dragged (okay, okay, gently coerced) to attend one (that whole marriage compromise thing (Mick loved them) I dressed as a gypsy… coz all it takes is a few items (all of which I have) and voila!

    Now, as a rule, I’m not quite as, um, averse, to parties as you are, being the social butterfly that I am, and all that. HOWEVER, when it comes to Hallowe’en? I’m right cranky and completely approve of your prerequisites…

    And since you didn’t… I will 😉


    Liked by 2 people

    • Q

      You know me too well, bebe. And yes, it was 2019 . . which seems like a million years ago now.

      Well, I promise not to imagine you all dressed up like a gypsy . . . AT that party. But I cannot promise you I won’t imagine you all dressed up like a gypsy now that you’ve mentioned it. In fact, now I cannot unsee it. 😉

      Loathe huh? In the files, of course. Averse too. And prerequisite.

      You’re a social butterfly and so of course you are attracted to the opposite. It’s how mama nature works.

      And yes . . yes you DO know me so very well.



      Liked by 2 people

  4. Halloween in Durango used to be a bash, but then I was a young pup at the time. This year, I bought a small pumpkin to decorate the dining table – such a rush! Look at that beauuutiful squash!! Do I know how to party?! (Note the absence of Homo sapiens in this scenario.) Jamie Lee Curtis is not welcome to my pumpkin party.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I dig, I dig.

      Halloween, that thrill that came with it . . well, it’s a solo flight for me at this point since it’s just not the same. It’s fun, but horror movies and a beverage of choice fun these days.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m with you on the sorry, not sorry, busy that weekend! Parties in general, bah humbug! Parties involve staying awake after nine, being charming (i.e. Kind) for longer than an hour, and tolerating at least one drunk longer than necessary. Nah! PJs, a good movie (if they make them anymore), and a cozy couch. That’s my Halloween dreams this year.

    But wait! If memory serves me right I recall someone shaving their head for a to-do. Wasn’t that Halloween? And did it all grow back in its former glory?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ella!!!!!

      Yanno, that is the jam right there. Nothing better, I say.

      And that was my pal Linds B who threw that shindig. Being that she’s like family (better, even) I was good with it. And yes it grew back and yes I shaved it off again.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I was going to make a comment similar to this one re the cost but Resa saved me the trouble! I will only add, again in the interest of bringing your concerns up to date…Scientologists are generally pretty quiet and indirect when trying to recruit you so in my experience they’re easier to push back on or walk away from. With this being my criterion on what to do when confronted by people who may try to “recruit” me, I would be more likely to keep away from the people who love Jesus and have stopped drinking! They are generally easier to identify since they are usually pretty blatant about sharing both with anyone who gets close enough to hear it.

      Liked by 2 people

      • When I went to the grocery store yesterday, there was pickup truck in the parking lot with a huge wooden cross strapped to its bed and draped over the ab. And the truck read “Repent America!”.

        So yeah . . you ain’t wrong on that one LOL

        Liked by 1 person

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