I’m Such A Baby Cause The Dolphins Make Me Cry

Dolphins fumble away opportunity to make statement, fall to Bills 35-7

They say that breaking up is hard to do.

Check that . . Neil Sedaka sang that song, because it had a catchy tune and nobody really cared to verify the authenticity of his claim. And while I’m not going to call old Neil a liar, he really was. No one called him out at the time because the song went to #1, but it was a lie. Breaking up is easy. Staying broken up? Not so much.

Take the Miami Dolphins. Please. I’ve broken up with this team more times than I care to admit (Twenty-eight), from the Reagan administration to present day. As with any relationship, I’ve experienced my share of ups and downs. Problem is, I can count the ups on one hand. Don’t believe me? N’kay . . .

  • The Dolphins top rated defense reigned supreme in Super Bowl 17, holding to a 17-13 lead over Washington after three quarters. Problem is, they play four quarters in the NFL and Washington took advantage of this fact by scoring 14 unanswered to win it.
  • Wunderkid Dan Marino hit Joe Rose for the go ahead touchdown against Joe Montana’s vaunted San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 19, giving the Dolphins a 10-7 lead in the second quarter. And just when it looked like nothing could stop Miami’s top rated offense, well . . Final Score: 49ers 38- Dolphins 16.

That’s all I got for ups. And do you happen to notice a grotesquely asymmetrical pattern in the two events I listed? In the span of three short years, Miami owned the best defense and then the best offense. Just not at the same time. And when they flipped, they flopped. A solid offense would’ve won them Super Bowl 17 and conversely, a solid defense would’ve at the very least given Joe Montana’s boys a game. But it didn’t happen that way because with the Dolphins, it never does.

When it comes to timing, the Dolphins and their fans are the sporting equivalent of Mia and Sebastian in La La Land. We want to believe in happy endings, but then the season starts. For Dolphins fans who go back even farther than me (All six of them) Miami’s championship bagel currently stands at forty-seven years (I included this season in order to save time).

The team formerly known as the Indians owns the longest drought in North American sports, but whereas their heartbreak reads like Longfellow, ours is more Mapplethorpe. The Lions never win, but at least they don’t pretend to actually . . yanno, want to. The Maple Leafs haven’t won since the Beatles were still together, but they can blame their Montreal neighbors for hoarding all those Cups. What’s worse, we don’t even have a curse to fall back on. Unless you think bad art and fans who leave early to beat the traffic counts.

The current iteration of professional (sic) football in Miami was going to be different, and I believed it completely. Okay, I believed it pretty much. Alright, I wrote a post about it . . so, there’s that. In the post, I imagined Miami making it all the way to the Super Bowl in New Orleans next season with third year quarterback Justin Herbert at the helm.

Problem is, Miami didn’t select Herbert in last year’s draft in spite of his height, his cannon arm and his big numbers. Nope, they went with the shorter, slighter and more injury prone Tua. So while Herbert is going all supernova for the first place Chargers, Tua has underperformed to this point in his young career and is currently on the (shocker!) injured list.

The Dolphins have made picking the wrong guy an art form. They chose Daunte Culpepper over Drew Brees in free agency and then watched as Culpepper crashed and burned before retiring while Brees went on to have a Hall of Fame career which included a Super Bowl win with the New Orleans Saints. They chose Jake Long over Matt Ryan, Ronnie Brown over Aaron Rodgers and most recently, Ryan Fitzpatrick over a guy named Tom Brady.

So at 1-4, I am once again breaking up with the Miami Dolphins. Call me a fair weather fan if you will, but I have better things to do with my time. Like stand in line at the grocery store and watch Season 2 of Mr. Mercedes. And I’ll also be rooting for the Georgia Bulldogs to win it all this year, but not too intimately, since I don’t want to transfer any of that Miami juju to those guys.

I’m getting out while the getting is gravy, since next week the Dolphins play the winless Jacksonville Jaguars. Who happen to be coached by Urban “Magic Lap” Meyer. I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch the Dolphins gift that fuckhead his first NFL win. I mean, getting our asses handed to us by the Bills and Bucs is one thing, but next week would be a bridge too far for yours truly. So I’m out.

Until next year. Of course. Because between now and then they’ll fire a bunch of coaches, hire a bunch of new coaches, draft a couple players with high ceilings and sign a couple of promising free agents. And then they’ll be like Hey baby! And I’ll be like No boo, you can’t keep doing this to me! But they’ll promise me that this time, things really are gonna be different and I’ll believe them. Again.

Love bites.




37 thoughts on “I’m Such A Baby Cause The Dolphins Make Me Cry

  1. I couldn’t help but nod and say out loud, “uh-huh, yeah, yup” during your list of examples (though I will note, you perhaps, purposely, failed to mention 1972 when the Fish played a perfect game, something no other NFL franchise has done-but yeah I know, it ain’t like winning the Super Bowl). Only difference being my own team the Denver Donkeys who did managed to win a couple of Super Bowls on the sheer will and talent of Peyton Manning back in the day when the team actually ‘HAD’ a front offensive line. These days the up front guys leave poor Teddy Bridgewater hanging out to dry (or suffer a concussion). At least both clubs can take a bow they haven’t (as yet anyway) have someone the likes of Jon Gruden on the helm. That’s a win in my books even if both teams look pathetic for the foreseeable future.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sure I’ve shared this story before, but just in case. Part of my family obligation as a child was to be a SF Giants fan. This required a couple of things: first, the joy of seeing a game in the windy, Arctic confines of Candlestick Park. We were real fans. Going to see a game at Candlestick meant you cared about the game, far more than for the view or the ambience.

    Second, we were forced to go through years of misery with hardly a sniff of the post season. Growing up in the 70s meant there were no highlights with that team. Which, see above, seeing the Giants play at Candlestick was a triple whammy of cold, concrete, crappy play.

    One year, as a young lad, I decided I had enough. I was going to root for another team. I was willing to forsake the family legacy in pursuit of a winner. I chose the Cardinals. It didn’t last very long. I couldn’t listen to their games on the radio and the local paper’s daily article about the Giants game the night before kept drawing me in. I gave up after only a couple of weeks and have accepted my date ever since.

    The Giants are as much a part of me as beer and pizza, books and naps. And fortunately, the last decade has seen the squad achieve heights I never thought possible.

    The best thing about being a fan of a team is that you care. No matter what, you care. You suffer when the team drags and exult when they finally achieve.

    This week’s series with the Dodgers is a perfect example. I’m a multi-tasked at heart. But during each of these games, I have been unable to do anything except sit on the sofa and watch the games. And I sweat blood from the stress and weep with joy when good things happen. Okay. Maybe not quite like that, but I am an absolute mess during these games. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes indeed you have. And you must be happy with this season, which I’m pretty sure none of the experts had forecasted for the team. I think it was predicted Dodgers vs Yankees, mostly. So much for that!

      As for my sporting fandom, I’ve waned significantly as I’ve gotten older. To the point where I can seriously just sit out the rest of the season. It’s not like I was doing much watching anyway. I think I’ve caught maybe two quarters when it comes to Miami.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. B,

    Haha! Love your calling Neil Sedaka a liar. Breaking up can be easy as hell. I, on the other hand, am able to stay broken up. Course, I am also able to remain friends with the guys left behind – they just don’t get another chance at more 😉

    That said, the Dolphins are doing their damndest make it way too hard to remain friends, no? I mean the ups are hard to find amidst the downs, that’s for shizzle.

    I am always blown away at how you can throw stats out like that left, right and centre and STILL make me look up some reference. (I had to look up Mappelthorpe…)

    The Dolphins really know, I mean DON’T know how to pick ’em…

    And I’ll be there to wipe your tears the next time they break your heart…

    Excellent tune, of course!


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      I can’t be friends with exes. Well, I USED to be friends with exes, but then I got single and women don’t tend to care about the broken up part if they feel like pushing it. And yes! Neil Sedaka is a stinking liar.

      They suck. And I really am not going to pay attention to their game this weekend since I will hear about it soon enough as it is.

      My ex wife introduced me to Mappelthorpe at a Borders Book Store. HELLO! I was like, “Babe maybe next time show me the abridged edition instead? Jesus.

      They suck. Oh yeah, I said that already. Still.

      I am officially tearless. I have never cried over a sports result, and it’s a good thing I don’t lean that way because Miami tends to do that to peeps.

      Oh yes, Sarah hit it.


      Liked by 1 person

      • I hear ya. Let me refresh what I said. I remain friends with those who understand that there ain’t no crossing of lines.

        They suck. And there are better things to do with your time.

        But. Wait. Wasn’t Mapplethorpe a photographer? Do I need to do more research? Bloody hell…

        They do. Suck. Balls.

        No tears shall be shed over a sports team or result. That’s a waste.

        She did.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Baby boy!
    When I saw the title, I thought this was gonna be some horrid story about man’s cruelty to animals, dolphins in particular.
    As a fair weather fan myself (WAY more fair weather than you), I get this post, to a point.
    However, no sports team…EVER … will be, sweeter than a dolphin.
    (You nut)

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, in this case it’s the Dolphins cruelty towards man. Weird, huh?

      I just feel like I need to take a break from the constant state of dysfunction surrounding those sweet little, pathetic Dolphins. I’ll return to them next year, of course.

      Me? LOL

      Liked by 1 person

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