The Ultra Fantastic Just For Shits And Giggles Super Bowl LVI Preview! (Now In HD!)

In his annual state of the league speech , Roger Goodell announces the NFL will add two teams for the 2027 season. The NFL becomes the first of the four major sports to cross into the European market with the London Fog. The other move will bring professional football back to Detroit for the first time since 1957.

The week leading up to the game is full of revelations. Antonio Brown admits to modeling his playing career after Taylor Swift’s love life. Aaron Rodgers decides he is going to take a year off to walk the earth before changing his mind after he stops trending. The Dolphins hire former FBI agent and hostage negotiator Chris Voss to be their next head coach. The Jacksonville Jaguars announce they will play several home games at the Wonderland recording studio, which will accommodate two-hundred fans, no problem. And Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Mike McCarthy makes the cover of Time.

Tom Brady shows up to the game in uniform and is rebuffed by the security guard at the player’s gate.

“Don’t you read the news pretty boy? You retired. No Super Bowl for you!” The guard says

“Shit, force of habit! I’m sorry man, Is there any chance you can let me in?”

“My boss would have my ass Tom, no way . .”

“Who’s gonna know?” Tom winks.

“See those cameras up there? Spies everywhere . . . ”

“What about a signed helmet?”

“Listen you mope, I lost two wives, three investment properties and a dog named Tuck thanks to the fact I was a degenerate gambler who always bet against the Patriots. I won’t even drive through New England. Uh, sign it To my dear friend Alex, will ya?”

“If it’s any consolation, I ghosted them in my retirement post . . .” Tom says as he personalizes the Bucs helmet for the guard before handing it over.

“Alright, I guess you can go in. I don’t like this job anyway. Hey . . is that your ride?”

“Yeah,”

“Good to know, entre vous,” The guard says.

The game gets off to a brutal start as penalties are called on the first eleven plays of the game. After the officials convene, they decide to cancel the rest of the first half and let the players take a one-hour break. NBC airs a repeat broadcast of This Is Us.

When the action resumes in the second half, interceptions rule the day as Burrow and Stafford each toss three pick sixes. Going to the fourth quarter with the score tied at 21, Chris Collinsworth lays out his keys to victory for both teams.

“Don’t throw pick sixes,” Collinsworth explains.

Both quarterbacks go nuclear in the final quarter, throwing for six touchdowns and 1,500 yards combined and the game is tied at 42 with less than three minutes to go in the game. Bengals head coach Zac Taylor calls time before requesting that Joe Montana be removed from his suite and escorted out of the stadium. Al Michaels refers to the move as his “call of the year!”.

With four seconds to go and the Bengals pinned at their own one-yard line, everyone in the stadium expects Burrow to simply plow forward into the line to kill the clock and force overtime. Shockingly, Cincinnati instead sends out its field goal unit for a 109 yard field goal attempt. Commissioner Goodell convenes an emergency meeting to determine the ramifications of such an unprecedented event for sports books. Al Michaels blames the decision on Jose Cuervo. Rob Lowe takes the time to meditate.

Bengals kicker Evan McPherson- a perfect 12 for 12 on field goal attempts in the playoffs- jogs out of the tunnel and takes his spot at the back of the end zone. When Rams head coach Sean McVay calls timeout in an attempt to ice the kicker, the brash rookie orders a pizza, signs autographs, has a sit down with Katie Couric and changes into his Hawaiian vacation duds.

“I’m not sure the sandals are gonna work in this situation, Al. But I have to hand it to the kid, he’s gonna save a bunch of time at the airport and that shirt is loud enough to create separation with the defense,” Collinsworth exclaims.

The kick has a clean takeoff, after which the FAA clears its flight path. In the thirty-three minute trip, a lot of shit happens . . .

• Sean McVay signs a lifetime contract with Fox Sports to become the next John Madden.
• Joe Burrow purchases the trademark for “Joe Cool”, not from Namath or Montana but from Joe Mantegna. “I bought it during a mid-life crisis and completely forgot about it until the kid made me an offer I couldn’t refuse,” says the veteran actor.
• Bill Belichick announces he will retire . . . to his hotel room for the evening.
• Rob Lowe airs a thirty-minute documentary featuring his perfect head of hair.
• Tom Brady leaves early to beat the traffic, only to find all four of his tires have been deflated.

As McPherson’s kick sails through the uprights to deliver the Bengals their first Super Bowl championship, Al Michael delivers his iconic call one last time . . .

Do you believe in miracles? . . . . YES!!!