My Polonius Has A First Name

Cop Rock,' The Most Infamously Awful Show In TV History, Is Finally Coming  To DVD

I’ll be posting the last Rundown of April early next week. For now, Imma preempt the regularly scheduled programming to bring you something completely stupid. I mean different.

Both.

As Newton Minow is my witness, my television habits weren’t always a lost cause. As a boy, I rather enjoyed the snarky resilience of James Garner in The Rockford Files. I crushed on the comedic genius of I Love Lucy. And then I chased that with Newhart, Moore, Franklin and Burnett. And I was socially conscious, even if I didn’t watch Good Times or The Jeffersons or All In The Family for any other reason than I loved those shows. 

And then adolescence came calling and my sophisticated palette was replaced with a vagabond warrior of the airwaves whose mission it was to kill my brain cells without using illicit drugs. So while I would love to blame the insidious nature of streaming services for obsessing my compulsions, Imma fess to my own mess, considering my long and sordid history when it comes to the entertainment I consume. Want proof? I watched a couple episodes of Cop Rock back in the ’90’s. Or, a couple more episodes than the family of the show’s creator, Stephen Bochco, watched. Clearly, I put the boob in tube.  

Since my therapist isn’t cool with me recording our sessions, I enlisted the Corleone family to dramatize the time I brought up my television viewing to her. 

As far as shows are concerned, I don’t do medical dramas or family dramas or best friends for life dramas. You know why? Because personally, to do so would be masochistically redundant, that’s why. 

  • Minute To Win It- Imagine a game show written by drunk people. With Guy Fieri as host. 
  • Hardcore Pawn- A reality show featuring a family run pawn shop in Detroit. More staged than a Ted Cruz breakfast on the shooting range. Dumber too.
  • Joe Millionaire- I took the wayback machine to retrieve this gem from the early 2000’s for a reason. Because I watched this one with my kids and somehow, did not receive a visit from child services.
  • Cooking With Paris- Ms. Hilton in the kitchen will never be confused with a Julia Child special.
  • The Punisher- Not completely horrible, but if you were to create a Superheroes League Division, this show would be the Baltimore Orioles.
  • The Tiger King- The streaming equivalent of voting for Donald Trump. 
  • Rock of Love- 25 women compete with the prize being Poison lead singer Bret Michaels. I watched this without having a gun to my head. 
  • The Ultimatum: Marry Or Move On- So THIS is what purgatory looks like! 

You’re probably thinking my movie diet can’t possibly compete with that level of stupid. Actually? This is where things really get nuts.

If you make the regrettable decision to keep on reading, you have to promise me you won’t judge. Okay . .  who am I kidding? Of course you can judge me. Hell, I would be disappointed if you didn’t. 

  • Killer Sofa- If you’re under the impression this was a documentary studying the link between obesity and television viewing? Nope. This is a movie about a killer sofa. 
  • Power of the DogOf fucking course Imma mention this flick. It wasted the talents of a star-studded roster- Jane Campion, Kirsten Dunst, Jesse Plemons and Benedict Cumberbatch. And then it hid behind a losing personality by showing up with a stunner on its arm- in this instance, the backdrop of New Zealand. And none of it mattered because I’m dumber for having spent a couple hours in its company.
  • Bolero- Bo Derek was in it, okay?
  • Showgirls- Yep.
  • Catwoman- If you’re sensing a trend, welp, this is what happens when a guy doesn’t dig on porn.
  • Birdemic- I think the writer James Nguyen was trying to pay homage to Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. I think it’s a very good thing Nguyen is a writer and not a brain surgeon. 
  • Cats- Oooooookay, I’m no longer in denial. 
  • Jason X- The tenth installment of the Friday the 13th franchise in which Jason goes to space. Yes, you read that right.

I could go on but instead I think I’ll heed the advice of that Polonius fellow I mentioned in the title to this post. The dude believed that brevity was the soul of wit. Which is one of my all time favorite Shakespeare quotes, even if Hamlet didn’t think so since he ended up killing the guy. 

If only Shakespeare had been a screenwriter.

 

 

 

 

54 thoughts on “My Polonius Has A First Name

  1. B

    I love your “different” posts!

    And just so you know, we all have our “guilty pleasures”. I enjoyed all those shows when I was younger and then some.

    I DO do medical and family and life because, you’re right, I am a masochist – and I genuinely enjoy them. So to your original list, you can add the L.A. Law and the E.R. and the Chicago Hope, etc. and well, you get the picture.

    As for that list, I am afraid I’ve not watched any of them… Well, sorry, that is not true. I did watch half an episode of the original Joe Millionnaire (I think it was that) – he whined about goat cheese being on everything; on, and ten minutes of Tiger King – that was ust a no. And, as you know, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to watch Ultimatum – episode 4 is where I’m at. Cats – the musical? Did they make a show of that?

    As for your second list… I may be guilty of a couple… I cannot agree enough about Power of the Dog. I do not think there is a way I can ever be convinced to give it another chance. Cats? Why is Cats on this list? You are speaking of the Broadway show? Does it deserve to be dissed? Must admit that Killer Sofa will NOT cross my viewing path…

    I cannot see the video you have shared! Oh, wait, lemme put on the VPN… k… Poison… Here’s a version for your Canuck readers 😉 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiaPEmn6Ycg

    As always, excellent write and fun to read!

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      Thank you for not calling it stupid. Because you could’ve . . .

      I was nice. I’ve gone even dumber than these but I figured that since I didn’t have my therapist on demand, the shows and movies I chose off the top of my head were good enough. Or bad enough.

      I watched exactly one episode of ER, and it was the one where the mother dies during childbirth and the father is alone, contemplating fatherhood as a widower. That was enough for me.

      I liked Joe M. It was really stupid, but the idea that these women really didn’t figure it out was hysterical. What the promise of money will do.

      The Ultimatum had a good ending, I thought.

      Joe Exotic wanted to run for President. I’m serious.

      They made a Cats movie with James Corden. Yes they did.

      The Power of the Dog took itself seriously. At least the Killer Sofa was a self deprecating plunge into madness.

      Don’t need nuthin but a good time! How can I resist?!

      Gracie!

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • Not my style… It’s not stupid, it’s more a fun and silly.

        I think you chose well and best not to rock that boat, yanno? 😉

        That was a muy sad episode. I watched an even worse one where the child died of the same thing Austin did and the whoel scene… k ’nuff said.

        Nothing wrong with liking Joe M. And anyone who thinks that it’s not all about the money on these shows, deserves to be on the show. (And hey, I am still watching Survivor twenty years later, so… who’s stupider? )

        I’ll let you know when I get there 😉

        Oh no… wait. I now remember seeing ads for it. Now I’m thinking it’s a good thing I didn’t see it…

        It really did. Fucking movie. Kudos to Killer Sofa, then 😉

        No we don’t… looking forward to having nuthin but a good time, soon!

        You know it!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Fun and silly like Fredo?

          Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby! Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over! Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby! Rock the boooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-aat!

          My God. No.

          It’s mindless entertainment and let’s face it, our minds appreciate the solid we’re feeding them. Empty calories, maybe. But not everything is a science exam. Our brains deserve a vacation too.

          I think you’ll agree it ended well.

          I defended it for the longest time and then I watched it again and okay . . .

          I can’t believe I watched Killer Sofa. Like, the whole thing.

          Reeaal soon.

          😉

          Liked by 1 person

          • Ummmm…. I think I have to rewatch the Godfather tonight.

            Sing it, baby! Hues Corporation! 😉 But you need the proper outfit 😉

            Yeah. And it was soon after he died, too. My sister was like: Don’t watch ER! So I did.

            Absofuckinglutely. We NEED empty calories for the brain as much as for the body now and again.

            You’re probably right. I’ll keep ya posted.

            Watched it again? Oh dear…

            I can 😉 But you were also writing or doing something else at the same time 😉

            Ya baby!!!

            😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • Vito would approve.

            I gots to hit a thrift shop for that getup. And uh, that thrift shop has to be living in the 90s.

            That was good advice.

            We really do. Our craniums crave Big Macs of the visual kind.

            😉

            Right?

            Yes, yes I was.

            Uh huh!

            😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • I shall make it so 😉 Got nothing better to do with my evening.

            Yeah… Make sure you get one for me, k?

            It was… but in an insane way, I watched as a reason to cry, too.

            They do!

            😉

            Absolutely!

            Of course you was. No way in hell you would give 100% of your attention to that 😉

            You know it!

            😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • Rub it in. 😉

            Done!

            It makes sense actually.

            😉

            The Ultimatum only requires 3 percent of our attention. Unless Madlyn and Colby are involved, in which case it only requires none of your attention whatsoever.

            Uh huh!

            😘😘😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • Sorry babe…

            Yes!!

            It gives you an excuse when you think you need one (which I didn’t but yanno… that tough broad who can handle everything? She needs to weep, too.)

            🙂

            I cannot believe I still have four to watch. Bloody hell… they stretched it out!

            Yeah!

            😘😘😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • LOL

            It’s a must. And when you must, you must.

            😉

            God, I do not envy you . . . I say as I crouch at the finish line, still breathing hard and totally spent from the doing.

            Yaya!

            😘😘😘

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Alrighty then, at least I know what NOT to stream! Apparently I’m in a nostalgic mood ’cause I just started streaming M*A*S*H and Golden Girls. For grins, I recently read the 1968 novel the TV series M*A*S*H was based on (M*A*S*H: A Novel About Three Army Doctors). Fun to see the inspiration, but boy, certain things (e.g., racial epithets, sexual harassment) don’t age well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • RW

      Mine is the list that has a slash smack dab through the middle. Mind you, I also watch good stuff. I’m not all empty calories.

      Yeah, I’ll watch an old standup act and same thing. Some things do not age well at all.

      Like

  3. When you first started reading your list of TV shows, I was SURE you were making this stuff up. Now you know how NOT hook into TV I am. Suddenly, though, we have a Netflix subscription. Almost made the mistake of watching Power of the Dog the other night. Watched The Adam Project instead. Whew!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Love fess my mess, and Polonius did say to his wild son Laertes, “This above all, to thine own self be true,” and that kinda goes for Imma too, if you don’t mind me saying, and I loved Lucy and James Garner in anything and those were the days to watch TV when it was innocent, silly and smart…s.o there. My two cents.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. If brevity is the soul of life then I am a witness wonder going for longevity instead. I love the Bard but pithy I ain’t! I read this post with a reaction of pure horror! You made most of those shows up didn’t you? Or perhaps my blinders are working and I simply didn’t notice. Lucky me. Although I too like James Gardner. I’m just saying…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I thought you were making most of this all up. After googling a few, well…
    I won’t be watching any.
    Killer Sofa sounds like it might be a half a hoot. Made me think of Christine, the killer car.
    Not rushing to the TV.
    Anyway, I’ve got a lot of tv watching to do before I get to nominate. Apparently they are all quality shows.
    I don’t recognize any on your listing list.
    I guess that’s why I like you. You have your own special lean on everything.

    No sports in this post. Why am I suspicious?
    Bo Derek…there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long while.
    When I lived in Miami for a year, many years ago, there was this band “Tar and the Nicotines”.
    Their 1 and only groupie was a sight to make eyes sore. She had that Bo Derek braided hair thing. I nicknamed her Bo Derelict.
    Showgirls? A sh!tty movie, with a complete disregard for gowns.
    Still, I like Gina Gershon!
    Mooah!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Buahahahaha!

      They do sound made up, don’t they? Sadly, they are not.

      Christine was a very chilling read, I thought. I can’t imagine how Killer Sofa could be made so, LOL.

      Oh I am special alright. 🙂

      Believe it or not, I am not the biggest fan of sports movies. And while I am currently watching a fictionalized account of a sports dynasty from the 80’s the only reason I am doing so is because the cast is superb and the writing is hilarious. But nope, no sports shows for me either.

      Bo Derelict is something I must borrow. Pretty please? That is TOO good!

      Yes, yes it was!

      Me too.

      You are the best Resa.

      MUAH!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. In this age where mental health has taken front and center stage, it’s no wonder we tune into some of the aforementioned offerings. Right now I’m zoning out on hockey, hockey and more hockey (except when The B’s are playing-gotta draw the line somewhere). Nothing like watching talented skaters, fast ball speed SOG and surprisingly sexy looking mullets on buff young men. Yeah I’m shallow like that. But at least I haven’t tuned into Hoarders. I want to escape not become more depressed. Happy Easter.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No to the Bruins, I agree. We have to have a floor when it comes to our entertainment, right?

      I’ve never watched Hoarders. Or that pimple popper show. So I guess I am not completely hopeless.

      Hope your Easter was beautiful, Monika

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Damn … late for the party – but better late than never. I don’t watch any of the shows in the first list. Only heard of some of them. Power of the Dog – whew – torture. Only thing worse would be being chained for watching nonstop wacko Repulican campaign ads. Cats – I didn’t watch the movie because at the play’s intermission, I was still trying to figure out the plot. Bolero was a lousy movie – but Bo brightened the screen. Enjoy your blog break …. and oh …. this post wasn’t different – just pure you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yo Cincy!

      This post was a sample size, for my movie viewing more than anything. I’m more of a movie person, and for every winner, I’ve got a slew of rotten tomato scores. I could blame Prime since they have some truly awful selections, but my habit has been following me for a long time now.

      I guess you could say it was raining Cats nd Power of the Dog in this post. And yes, they both were forgettable.

      Muchas gracias pal

      Like

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