It’s been a long time since I did one of these movie reviews for Marco, seeing as how I was holding out for more money. Lemme clarify that statement for ya . . . I was holding out for any fucking money whatsoever! The cheap fuck doesn’t pay me for these gems, and if not for the fact he has so much dirt on me, I’d already have moved him into some cheap digs out in the desert.
So this week I’m reviewing Final Score. It’s an action movie even though it involves a soccer game, go figga! Dave Bautista and Pierce Brosnan are the only actors I recognized because the cast of this thing is more British than General William Howe’s army. And no, I ain’t a history buff, but I banged a chick who was a Revolutionary War reenactor back when I was chasing acting jobs. Or at least I think she was a reenactor. . . .
Anyway, Bautista plays this schmuck named Michael Knox. The reason I call him a schmuck is because he adopts his Army pal’s family after da guy croaks. Knox blames himself and I understand what it’s like when one of your soldiers hits the snooze, permanently speaking. But if I played Uncle to the families of every soldato I lost to a business meeting, I woulda gone broke, yanno? Knox clearly didn’t get the memo because the stronzo visits them all the time. And get this . . . they live in the UK! So he hops a plane, from the states, just to drop in on ’em whenever the fuck he has a free minute.
Knox convinces his Army pal’s wife to let him take his make believe niece to a soccer game. Mom runs a bar and deals with a lot of pains in the asses, but they’re a piece of cake compared to her daughter so she agrees to let Uncle Mike take her. That’s where the soccer game comes in, and not for nothing but the guy who wrote this is fucking brilliant because he figured out a way to make the sport inneresting: Terrorists!
Stop me if you’ve heard this one. The terrorists are Russians and their entire plot hinges on a couple nut-bags reuniting so’s they can start a revolution. It reminded me of the time I almost married a Russian girl but the fuckhead handling the online transaction maxed out my credit card and ran off with her. So . . yanno, Russians ain’t my favorite people. But these guys are even worse than that! They lock down the stadium during a game and the fans have no idea that they’re hostages, because the only thing dumber than an American sports fan is . . . well okay, there ain’t anything dumber than an American sports fan.
After the terrorists lock down the joint, we find out they have it wired with explosives and nobody’s leaving. I remember the time my late business associate Sal pulled a stunt like that with one of the bosses. Let’s just say there’s a reason Sal is my late business associate.
As much of a schmuck as Knox is, he also happens to be a real badass. So he takes care of most of the terrorists and then he finds Dimitri Belav, played by Pierce Brosnan. Dimitri doesn’t wanna be reunited with his nut-bag brother because he’s traded revolutions for soccer tickets. Whatever. And of fucking course, Knox’s pain in the ass niece is running around inside the stadium with a little douchebag for half the movie and then he has to save her on top of killing the terrorists and making sure thirty five thousand fans don’t get turned into bread pudding. He accomplishes all this with the help of a Middle Eastern kid working security at the game. I shit you not. Everything works out, in the event there’s a sequel.
Oh yeah, Marco wanted me to let ya know there may be spoilers in this review.