The “Catch ’22” NFL Season Preview (See what I did there?)

The Funniest & Most Awkward NFL Photos Ever Taken

Another NFL season is going longhand, so Imma provide some expert analysis on what to expect. And before you give me shit for calling myself an NFL expert, have you watched a football talk show recently? It’s like watching kindergartners recite Macbeth, only much less adorable.

When thinking up ideas for this post, I tossed with sharing my fantasy football experience. But you guys don’t want any part of that and neither do I. And I figure it makes little sense to prognosticate on the pigskin when my football knowledge can fit into Bethany Frankel’s bikini. Instead, I’ll stream the consciousness out of this fucker and hope for the best.

Let’s hit it! . . .

The Rams Super Bowl win in Los Angeles was the second time in as many years that a team hoisted the Lombardi trophy in its own stadium, with Tom Brady and the Bucs having turned the trick the season prior. In the first fifty-four years of the big game, not a single home team won it in their crib. So thank God for the Cardinals, who will return us to the old normal since they ain’t getting close to Glendale in February without tickets. If you have a beef with my expert opinion, please lodge your complaint here.

The Creme de la Creme of the league this year? Imma give you the top five:

Buffalo Bills: In a couple months, the temps in Orchard Park will be colder than Melania Trump’s diary, so for the love of all things Scott Norwood, let these people dream!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: For exactly nineteen seconds, I was actually feeling sorry for Tom Brady, what with all that unhappy wife goss that’s been harshing his football mellow? But then I realized that feeling sorry for Tom Brady is a bigger sin than watching a Netflix reality show on Sunday.

Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers is the smartest guy in the room. According to Aaron Rodgers. But he’s a great player and he’s the QB on my fantasy league team so I’m rooting for the dude.

Kansas City Chiefs: We’re looking at a solid decade’s worth of the Chiefs being in the title conversation with Mahomes under center. You’ll know their window has closed when he starts going bald. Which will be a depressing day in Kansas City, and for men everywhere.

Los Angeles Rams: Outside of Cincinnati, I’m hard pressed to find someone who hates these guys. If they win it again, that’ll change.

So now that I’ve got the top five Vegas favorites accounted for, I think you would probably sleep like a baby if you were to place a wager on the sixth highest ranked club. Because the Los Angeles Chargers are my choice to win it all in the desert next February. I utilized the Porpoiserean Theorem in order to reach this conclusion.

It goes like this . . .

a

The Miami Dolphins passed on Justin Herbert in the 2020 NFL Draft, allowing the Chargers to grab him one pick later. In his first two seasons, Herbert has thrown for more yards and more touchdowns than any quarterback in NFL history. Of fucking course.

b

The Miami Dolphins have also swiped left on Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Joe Flacco since the turn of the millennium. Those guys have combined to win ten rings while the Dolphins were busy scheduling tee-times.

c

Being passed over by the Dolphins is the football gods way of saying “You’re welcome!”.

NFL Memes (@NFL_Memes) / Twitter

In the AFC, I expect the following to happen . . .

The Cincinnati Bengals were an offensive line away from winning it all last year thanks to Joe Burrow, but Super Bowl hangovers for the runners up is a thing and I know this to be true because I read the science. And they have a mosh pit of talented rivals to contend with in the Ravens, Jaguars, Raiders, Dolphins, Broncos and Colts. You know what happens in a mosh pit? Nothing good.

  • Did you know? . . .Drug lord Pablo Escobar built his own prison? Which sounds super impressive until you consider that the Cleveland Browns do that every season.
  • Did you also know? . . . The league produces “Super Bowl Champions” merch for both teams before the game is even played? Then they ship the losing team’s duds overseas. Which means that in some remote village on the other side of the world, they tell stories about the greatest football team of all the time . . the Buffalo Bills.
  • Oh, and here’s one more . . . Brett Favre’s first NFL completion was to himself.

Meanwhile, in the NFC . . .

Everyone is chatting up the Los Angeles Rams, San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers. Which means some other team is going to be representing the conference. The ‘some other team’ list is less inspiring than a QVC flash sale. We have the Eagles, Cardinals, Panthers, Saints, Vikings and Cowboys and If I’m being honest, I don’t see any of them making it to February.

The Cowboys bill themselves as ‘America’s Team’ which makes them the football equivalent of that MAGA hat. The Lions are like the EV people who insist that everyone has to be on board with them even though it makes little sense. The Falcons are too liberal and the Seahawks are too conservative . . . and I just won a bet that I could tuck politics into this post and get away with it. Woohoo!

Of course, no NFC representative means that Fox Sports will have to use a holographic roster for the Super Bowl. This could work out really well if they can get Rob Lowe to take a break from brushing his hair so he can play QB. Jamie Foxx as diva receiver feels totally right. Jeff Bridges as the ornery old coach trying to score that elusive ring before the lights go out?

Sold!

 

 

 

78 thoughts on “The “Catch ’22” NFL Season Preview (See what I did there?)

  1. OK … I can understand no confidence in my Bengals because I fear over-confidence will be a negative. After all, history shows they will figure out how to lose at least once to the Browns. Meanwhile, the chips will fall week to week. My fantasy teams? Well … I feel good about one, no so much about the other. Time to take in Black Box for a second time.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think there’s plenty of confidence in the Bengals, what with an improved offensive line. Chase in his second year. And Joe, who’s got a lot of Namath in him.

      But repeating, it’s a tough gig.

      Losing to the Browns this year is going to be a deal breaker. With or without Watson, since he doesn’t get back until the season is two thirds over.

      I feel as if my fantasy team is a solid 9-8. Just like my Dolphins…

      Black Box. I loved them.

      Like

      • I don’t know if those Bengals had a Super Bowl hangover, but boy oh boy did Burrow. And their rebuilt offensive line is already in need of being rebuilt. At least my Eagles played some seriously stout defense and limited the Lions to only 35 points…😲

        Liked by 2 people

        • Bruce,
          No question that Burrow made a number of critical poor decisions. And yes, it that is the rebuilt line, oh boy – we’re in trouble. I’m hoping it was more of them not playing together – but time will tell.

          Bengals did play good defense, but it wasn’t enough. Interestingly, I read several national articles that didn’t mention a key factor. The team has a long-tenured long snapper. How many games have you ever seen when that player gets hurt? For me, the answer is ONE – this past Sunday. The game- winning extra point at the end of regulation and game-winning field goal during OT were snap issues by a backup TE who is the emergency long snapper. I have no complaints because that’s part of the game. I actually feel for the young guy. Then again, the Steelers deserved the win because they had more points.

          Cheers to your Eagles for hanging on!

          Liked by 2 people

          • Frank, I was watching the Steelers-Bengals game on Red Zone but it completely got by me the backup snapper was in there. Good Lord, I remember when that happened to the Eagles one season. Thank you for enlightening me on that. As for the Eagles, we spent a lot of money on defensive players but we should have spent it on a brand new defensive coordinator…and here come the Vikings with Justin Jefferson (who we should have drafted instead of Jalen Reagor, one of the worst draft decisions in history)! Good luck to the Bengals in Week 2!

            Liked by 2 people

          • McPhearson is a great kicker – and both misses were snap issues. Meanwhile, off to Dallas next week. I hate the scenario of playing a backup QB because simplified offenses can be a lot of trouble.

            Reagor didn’t pan out while Jefferson is turning into a big-time receiver … and you face him this week! Wasn’t Reagor traded there? Nonetheless, your team has one more win right now than mine! Good luck against the Vikings!

            Liked by 2 people

  2. Here are my deep thoughts on my most hated sport:

    I think it’s laughable that the Packers are rated as high as they are. I saw them ranked #2 by one of the sports websites. The same ranking included the Niners at #8, which leads to my second deep thought …

    The Niners just aren’t that good. They bought into the Trey Lance sweepstakes and I think they now realize he isn’t the answer at QB.

    Third deep thought … it may be wishful thinking on my part, but I think the Steelers are going to surprise people.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Mind you, this top five was in fact based on the Vegas books. Not sure how updated it was but they were in the top ive. And I agree, I don’t think they’re top five. They will be good because of the D and Rodgers and the awful division. But, as with the Niners, who have two quarterback and have no quarterbacks, I don’t see a Super Bowl in their future. I hope Aaron balls though. Thing is, he’s a traditional passer and fantasy loves the two-way threats.

      The Steelers have Tomlin. Trubisky isn’t a bad QB and I like Pickett. They ALWAYS pluck quality receivers out of the draft. If their D can do anything, why not?

      Liked by 2 people

  3. PIGSKIN?????
    You mean they kill an animal to play the game?
    Now I really hate football.

    MAGA = Making American Goons Alright

    Now, now…. Rob’s hair deserves to be brushed!
    And Jeff … well I wish he would be ornery with me!
    Wasn’t Vanessa Williams married to a Fox(x)?
    I have a Christmas card from them.

    Muah!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Porpoiserean Theorem sounds like a very sound way to foresee who will win it all! I myself think those Buffalo Bills Super Bowl Champion t-shirts all over the globe will finally make sense as I see them as this year’s last team standing. Pre-game, in-between game, and post-game announcers are so annoying to me now I just turn on something else until the game begins or comes back from halftime. Thanks for the follow.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good good stuff here Marc
      And the hubs said that the Bulls likely won’t reach the super bowl because they are predicted to (something like that) and I hate when anyone thinks that we can predict the super bowl teams
      And a great example is when the Giants went on to beat the patriots – “the Giants limped into the 2007 playoffs with a wild-card spot and a 10-6 record.”
      And so we never know!

      Also – like how you said this (so true)
      “It’s like watching kindergartners recite Macbeth, only much less adorable.”

      Liked by 1 person

      • The hubs is correcto-mundo on that assessment. The preseason crushes usually go by the wayside, leaving all the ‘experts’ to pretend they never predicted what they predicted.

        But . . . the Bills do look good. And even though they live in my team’s neighborhood, I’m rooting for them to bring it home. For Kelly and Levy and all those great Bills teams that came up short. And for the fans who stood by them.

        I remember we were doing a podcast that bled into the start of the Super Bowl because we thought it would be a good idea to have adult beverages while chatting up what was expected to be a Patriots coronation. Our podcast ran through most of the first half and I remember saying to the guys . . . hold on, something’s going on here. And something was. I later wrote that that Patriots team was the “worst” 18-1 team in the history of the league because it was the wrong “1”.

        I can’t stand the football pregame shows. Ugh.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Hi Marc
          That podcast sounds fun (and had to laugh at the adult beverages because isn’t it funny how that can lead to so much – and usually not good – anyhiw….)
          The pregame shows now have more women than ever and my pet peeve with that is the “distracting clothes” the one lady wears –
          All the men are in their classic timeless suits – not sure how much I like the look but it is professional and NOT a distraction
          – but the lady is wearing soft and loud PINk- shirt shorts so her large legs are standing out
          Sometimes a one-armed dress and cleavage /
          Too didn’t the guys showing chest hair or biceps –
          And I know this women in the line up is new – but they really should tone it down with the creative outfits so it can be about the pregame talk where the ideas and conversation are not distracted by loud outfits!!
          Okay that is my rant on that–

          And my least favorite thing is when a team starts six and zero and all the hype goes their way!
          So much means NOTHING until the playoffs
          (Cue the playoffs line from that coach Jim Mora saying
          Playoffs??)

          Liked by 1 person

          • Our podcasts were a lot of fun. I remember that one distinctly because everyone- including us, thought it was a fait accompli that New England was going to win. I can’t stand the Giants, but for one game, I was a Giants fan.

            I don’t get the suits, but I can see the point. Hell, I wouldn’t care if they wore sweat suits if they just spoke plain English. Plus, the wagering perspective has overtaken all of these shows and it’s sad.

            Women in high profile positions are still expected to ‘perform’ something for the audience with their wardrobe. I agree it’s archaic and insulting. It’s one thing to dress up and look nice, but I get what you’re saying with some of these gals.

            Get ready for the Buffalo or LA Chargers to be that hype early. Or some surprise team that comes out of nowhere and wins a couple early, after which everyone jumps on and then they crash.

            Happens every season.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Yes / every season the early hype leads to the crash –
            And thanks for your other replies

            I is t watch all the games and I often multi task when I do watch
            But It sure feels good to have football season started – and enjoyed your post!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah I was enjoying the city shots of Pittsburg during the steeled game – I like how the nfl
            Will sometimes show the area (or food / like during an eagles game they showed a local place with some bodacious looking Philly cheesesteaks )

            Liked by 1 person

    • When it comes to the Dolphins, I knows of what I speaks. They are that girl in high school that talks you into a bad idea and then dumps you before the prom.

      The Bills are TNT squared. I hope they make a run. Bills fans have had to deal with a lot of crap, not the least of which was all that talk about the team moving to Toronto. I mean, those peeps deserve a parade.

      As far as these infernal shows are concerned, I realize hate is a strong word. But since I cant think of a stronger one, I’ll go with it.

      Of course! Glad to be along for the ride.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. B,

    Love your title… I think your expert analysis is more on the ball than your kindergartners mauling the Bard.

    I love when you stream your consciousness 🙂

    That’s pretty amazing that it only happened twice to play and win a Super Bowl in their own crib…

    As for your Crème de la Crème – I’ll defer to your expertise, not being at all close to knowing the what’s what.

    Love your Porpoiserean Theorem…

    And I just cannot add anything intelligent to your A-B-C.

    Have I mentioned how in awe I am of your knowledge of all this stuff?

    Hah! Comparing Escobar to the Browns…
    Not surprised about the merch, tell you what.

    I think you shoulda put the other Family Guy video….

    Cowboys ‘America’s Team’? Pffft.

    Rob Lowe will be ready, hair brushed and conditioned. Jamie Foxx as diva receiver? I like it. Jeff Bridges? Better than Beau – can’t trust him no how.

    Love me that tune. Bloody hell… the legs on that broad

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      I think you’re right. Those shows are proof of our intellectual decline.

      Thank y’all!

      It’s strange how it had never happened before it happened twice in a row. Conspiracy nuts probably have a field day with that one.

      I have zero idea how the season will play out. That top five is based on the current Vegas odds. And they have already changed!

      Fucking Dolphins.

      I’m just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks. But muchas gracias for saying that. 😉

      It makes sense. Because it can be argued that the Browns franchise is one big crime.

      Ya think?

      They keep rolling that archaic term out there and they keep getting sent home early.

      I think this team would be appointment television, don’t you?

      A-Mah-Zing!

      B

      Liked by 1 person

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