sorryless

From the Archives: Top 5 Heroes Of The Week

Sorryless70 Comments

Imma dish up a brand spanking new Rundown this weekend, but I thought it would be kitschy fun to dig into the old treasure chest today. I found one of the very first of the Heroes/Rundown series. I hope you enjoy this blast from the past.

Remember the old Rolling Stone double issues that used to take a week to read? And longer than that if it was summer and you were perpetually high? Welp, that’s this week’s Heroes installment. You’ll notice I’ve tucked some news squibs in between the Big Five. It’s just me, tinkering.

Now let’s get on with it.

Romaine-tic Comedy- Country music singer Miranda Lambert (Should I stop there? Is that enough of a punchline? No . . you sure? Okay, I’ll continue . . ) is bringing a whole new meaning to her salad days. And believe me, I ain’t dressing this up.

Lambert made headlines (again) for all the wrong reasons (again) when she dumped her salad on a woman who was provoking her. The lap dance tantrum happened at a Nashville steakhouse where Lambert was dining with friends and family. And it just makes me sad.

Once upon a time, country music’s preferred method of payment when it came to altercations were baseball bats and whiskey bottles. Now . . it’s lettuce and cherry tomatoes with julienne carrots in a balsamic vinaigrette (speculative editorializing). The legends of country music didn’t even know what the fuck a salad was! The current generation of stars has weaponized it.

Ted Cruz wants to use El Chapo fortune to fund border wall. Because our government has never, ever used blood money before . . .

Ice Cold Stove- Two of the biggest stars in the game- Bryce Harper and Manny Machado- remain unsigned. Pitchers and catchers time has arrived, and these two big ticket items of the hot stove league remain on the shelf. Which says everything about the blah quality of the league. Call it collusion by the owners or call it a deluded MLBPA but the bottom line is the game is suffering from an alarming lack of sizzle lately.

Cancel out collusion, because offers have been made and stupid contracts (See the Nationals signing of Corbin) have been inked. As for the player’s union, they’ve got to pipe down on any claims of owner conspiracy, what with the average MLB salary sitting at a cool 4 mil a year. They need to get their shit straight for sure but worrying about their players getting paid would be the wrong pony to ride. Listen, owners see players like JD Martinez of the Red Sox kicking ass at a fraction of what Harper/Machado were asking for. They want bang over bloat, and I don’t blame them.

But the MLB has got to do something about this hot stove of theirs, which has gotten its ass kicked by the NFL and NBA trading deadlines and signing periods over the last calendar season. Baseball used to own its off-season but that is no longer the case. Where have you gone Reggie Jackson? . . .

Grammys

The Grammys- Who. Fucking. Cares.

I ain’t got much to say about an awards show I haven’t watched in forever, but what I do have to say isn’t pleasant. And yet . . it’s a hell of a lot more pleasant than what these peeps are dealing. Reading up on the postscripts to the show is akin to checking up on the first grade choir. It’s a bunch of musical talent wrapped in elementary school clothes. They snipe, they curse and they hate on each other with Styrofoam vitriol; which means to say, it’s marshmallow four lettered banter delivered up by musical brats who couldn’t hold Prince’s luggage.

And this isn’t some old dude pissing on the music of the day, because there’s plenty of new stuff I dig on. And I also happen to believe we should leave Cardi B alone when it comes to that Tom Petty gaffe. Truth be told, there are times when I have to think about which Beatles are left . . and I am guilty of not knowing whether Steven Tyler was dead or alive (He’s alive). Nah, Cardi B is a kid who ain’t down with yesterday’s music, and that’s no crime. But the way her peers trashed her after she won for best rap album is just sad. And proof that I ain’t missing anything by skipping this show.

Kylie Jenner is into condom art. To paraphrase the great Andy Warhol, in the future everyone will be famous for three and a half minutes . . . 

Sarah Sanders Stars in ‘God Squad’-White House press secretary Sarah Sanders says that God wanted Donald Trump to win in 2016. And a quarter of Fox News poll respondents agree with her. In another Heroes first, I’ve linked to a Fox News poll for shits and giggles. If you insist on sending me hate mail, please forward it here. Rather than doing a post-oped, Imma dish up a semi-fictional rendering of how this might have gone down.

Somewhere in Malibu . . . 

The phone rings. 

“Challo?”

“God, hey . . it’s Lucifer,”

“Hey Lu . . what’s going down?” God chuckles.

“You remember anything about last night?” Lucifer asks.

“Well . . I remember we were playing poker. Moses was bragging about his Red Sea vacation . . Noah was telling fish tales . . and then Lot brought the Patron and we all started doing shots and . . .”

“You went all in when I said you had to elect Trump if you lost your pot,” Lucifer informs him.

“Prove it,” God demands.

His phone chimes to life with a text message containing a video link of him losing the bet with his arch-nemesis.

“Jesus!”

“Yeah Pop?” Jesus says as he moves into the living room to grab his sandals.

“No, not you. Umm, where you going?” God asks.

“Me and Jerry Garcia are gonna work on the van,” Jesus says excitedly.

“What about that job interview you have at Lowes?” God asks.

“That’s manana, and don’t worry . . I’ll pass the drug test this time. Gotta go old man, peace out . ..”

“Lu . . you still there?”

“That kid can’t hold down a job to save his life,” Lucifer says.

“Preaching to the choir, Lu. But hey . . you can’t hold me to this Trump thing,” God says.

“You bet your cloud surfing ass I’m gonna hold you to it,”

“I gotta say, this is low . . even for you,”

“Tuesday, November 8th, Boss. Mark the date,” Lucifer says before hanging up.

If you insist on sending me hate mail for this sacrilegious skit, please forward it here.

Bob Ross Flash Mob- Seriously, that sentence is enough to put a smile on my face. But it gets better. Thanks to middle school art teacher Brady Sloane of Abilene, Texas . . it gets a lot better. Textbook smarts get you in the door, but outside the box thinking opens the doors you never knew existed. And Sloane, supplied. She noticed how her students were stressing over their work load in advanced placement classes and so she organized a cool little activity in which they would all don Bob Ross costumes as they painted.

Sloane used monies from a fundraiser to buy the paints and then her students helped her make the costumes. And this story is just so damned peach on top of my Heroes cake, that Imma stamp it in place of my usual musical spill.

Zen is what real winning looks like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bill Gates slams AOC’s 70 percent tax plan? No. Shit. 

70 thoughts on “From the Archives: Top 5 Heroes Of The Week”

  1. Hey sorryless –

    Loved the guitar e-card with guitar and ass usual / love how you have this pulse in the cuiture – I read and think —
    And lines like this
    “marshmallow four lettered banter, delivered up by musical brats who couldn’t hold Prince’s luggage.”
    Are so dense and tasty.
    The bob ross video – good way to wrap up 😉

    Liked by 3 people

      • dense and tasty were not easily tossed out – I went through at least four other adjectives before gettign to those (kidding)
        but it reminds me I still need to share the cubano sandwich and beer I had last year that brought you and dale to mind – and I am going to get to it this month for sure – keep you posted

        Liked by 1 person

  4. B,
    Where to start? I’ll try not to ramble.. ahem.

    Miranda – such a disappointment but really, this was not your usual country music establishment, the bar is probably hidden back where no one can see it so… no bottles at hand.

    I’d love to see the orange putz try to get an interview with El Chapo.

    Grammy’s? Puh-leeze (insert MY emoticon here) – that where fools like Kanye can go up and diss winners? Nope. Can’t sacrifice my time with that shit. Kylie. Kylie Who? Not wasting more ink there.

    Oh. Em. Gee. That conversation between Lucifer and God had me howling. Zeke’s ready to have me committed. Makes “Spanish Train” such small potatoes now…

    I lift my Bob Ross Wig to that wonderful Brady Sloane. What a fantastic teacher!

    You’ve outdone yourself this week, B!

    To blasphemy and hilarity and salad wars,

    Q

    Liked by 2 people

    • Q,

      You? Ramble? Surely, you must be joking. Oh, sorry I called you Surely. 😉

      Yeah, but back in the day the country western peeps brought their bottles with ’em! They’re the originators of BYOB, lol.

      Interview? He should have a talk show with the sonofabitch. They’d be a natural team, tell you what.

      Kanye got in the middle of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech, which .. in and of itself wasn’t a crime. But still, his Me, Myself and I act did get tiresome. Quickaly.

      Yes, that card game was the definition of high stakes. I don’t imagine Moses piped down until the tequila made the scene. But I can imagine God wanted to smite himself for having come up with the chapter entitled “The Age of Reason”.

      That Brady Sloane takes back the name Brady! Yay Ms Sloane!

      Muchisimas gracias lovely!

      And I’ll supersize that salad?

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • You being snarky with moi? 😉

        Those were the backup beers left in the pickup trucks AFTER they ran out of moolah to pay their tab…

        They’d be like two peas in a pod.

        High stakes is putting it mildly! What was he thinking putting in that chapter?

        Hah! Yes. A real Brady Hero!

        Always….

        And yes. And don’t forget the bacon bits and croutons, k?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t recognize that word. . . much. Okay, I recognize it but it’s very vague . . .

          Backup beers is something I always used to have in house. Now I have backup ointment, back up ibuprofen and a backup heating pad.

          Lots of people are not aware of this, but that high stakes poker game is actually in the New Testament. Between “What Stays in Vegas,” and “Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog”. Okay . . I’m officially going to hell now. On the plus side, I can pack light!

          Hahaha!

          I DO have backup bacon and croutons.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. I was madly in love with a guitar player, still am kinda, at least in my dreams. Evocative….there’s that word again.

    I like the patter with God, Lucifer and Moses. Now there’s an odd threesome you’d never see at a poker game, yet…here they are playing Who’s on First.
    Not to be mean, but Sarah Sanders owes God an apology. I mean really. If that were true, if he wanted Trumpet to win, he would have at least taken out Stormy Daniels in some accident. Sarah along with her commander-in-chief, were both dropped on their head. Poor God. He’s probably at his shrink’s right now getting his meds refilled.

    Your imagination is so intriguing.

    Again…I’m no match for all this banter since Dale and you are true masters at it. You should have a blog together. bet it would do well. 🙂 Have a nice weekend

    Liked by 3 people

    • SB,

      I used to pal around with musicians in high school. When you can’t play a musical instrument worth a lick, the next best way to meet the ladies is to hang around musicians.

      Sarah owes a lot of people an apology. After which she can step back and just go off somewhere. And she can please take her father with her. Please . . .

      My imagination keeps me entertained.

      This is my last blog stop, I do believe. Hell, I didn’t even imagine I was going to blog again until I just fired this one up for a kick.

      Happy weekend to you too chica!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I always enjoy reading your take on popular culture stuff – I’m mostly out of the loop. But I did hear about the Bob Ross thing, which is really cool! Great take on the God-Lucifer bet!

    Liked by 3 people

  8. First things first … if God wanted Trump to be President, God also wanted Obama to be President, the Democrats to take over the House in 2018, and Disneyland to rape its customers with obscene ticket prices.

    Moving on …

    Baseball is falling apart. I don’t begrudge owners who refuse to sign an athlete to a 10-year contract. No athlete in any sport should get a guaranteed 10-year contract, particularly at the dollar amounts these guys are asking for. It’s just ridiculous.

    I blame Scott Boras because he’s almost always behind the players who have signed these ridiculous contracts or has pushed things to the point where players and owners go to war against each other. I have no doubt Boras told Harper to reject the Nationals contract offer because he was sure Harper could get more elsewhere. Let’s have a bidding war!!! Well, you need bidders and what a lot of baseball teams are figuring out is that it’s better to have a bunch of young talent you can try to develop than to blow your stack on one player. There’s nothing wrong with that conclusion. And there’s nothing wrong with a sports league returning to sanity on player salaries (Hello NBA) — just so long as the savings don’t all go into owner’s pockets and fans might see some relief. Yes, I know, but a guy can dream, can’t he?

    Meanwhile, there are all sorts of other reasons MLB is collapsing. And there’s a really simple solution nobody in baseball is actually talking about — batters need to become hitters again and not just go up there looking to home run or strike out. A team needs to commit to the old offensive philosophy of making contact, hitting to the opposite field, stealing bases, and win playing that way. If they all keep doing what they’re doing, the game will fade to hockey status eventually.

    Liked by 2 people

    • First thing noted. And let them be recorded as we are in agreement on this.

      The 10 year contracts began, I believe, with Alex Rodriguez, as far as the MLB goes. Arguably the greatest player in the game at the time of that signing by the Rangers, it was still viewed as imbecilic. And not to be outdone, the Yankees perpetuated that mistake twice more. Ugh.

      Long term contracts favor the players first, the owners second and the fans end up last, as usual. The players get their hyper inflated market value that escalates all contracts, the team owners ain’t losing out either. Sure it’s a ton of cash, but they’re not in the business of losing money. They dole it out because they make it back in spades- via merch, TV deals, ticket prices, etc. The fans are left holding the bag, they pay the tab.

      I remember LA manager Dave Roberts telling a reporter he doubted ANYONE on his team knew how to lay down a bunt. Are you kidding me? And YES! You know how you beat the shift? You hit the ball the other way! Been done forever . . until saber-metrics took over. The sacrifice fly has become something players do by accident! I don’t know how many times I see situations that are BEGGING for a sac bunt to be laid down. But hey .. they don’t play that game any longer.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. 🌲🌲🌲I’m not even sure happy little trees can camouflage out Ms. Sanders. Ugh.
    “Mix up a little more shadow color here, then we can put us a little shadow right in there. See how you can move things around? [please move her out the f*ing picture, Bob-like right now!] You have unlimited power on this canvas — can literally, literally move mountains” ~Bob Ross

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Each time I finish laughing I think I”d like to comment on one of the topics you raised here, but then I start laughing at another one, and then another. This is just filled with the best kind of chocolate one can buy. I think even God would agree. Maybe even Sarah. Funny how her initials generate some bad memories. Coincidence?

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Miranda Lambert – it’s not a rerun if it’s new to you and I had not heard of this incident before. The only thing I can compare it to is the time we were at a Longhorn Steakhouse (perhaps Miranda was playing in the background?) when a waitress tried to clear a table for five’s dishes in one take, and failed miserably. The sound of those hundred dishes hitting the restaurant floor was heard from miles away, but there was no salad involved – those dishes had been cleared previously. We were about five feet from impact. I thought I was shot. Fortunately, no partially eaten food came our way. Just glass. Lots of glass.

    Harper/Machado – Was happy (of course!) Harper signed with the Phillies. Was also happy Machado signed with the Padres. The Padres are currently the team I root for aside from the Phils. Maybe they will both make the post-season? That would be sweet. My other team, the A’s? Let’s not discuss that here.

    The Grammys – I gave up on all award shows years ago since the arts are so subjective, or objective…whatever. Each person has a take, and how can you say one song is better than the other, or one film, etc.? It took me getting a bit more mature to realize how stupid creative awards are to me. For that matter, I don’t care about sports awards either.

    Bob Ross Flash Mob – The local Public Broadcasting station STILL has Bob Ross on a couple of times a day. You can turn on the TV at 6 AM and there’s Bob, painting away. I picture all sorts of people at home, before dawn arrives, painting right along with him. I get the chill vibe, but painting is something I gave up a long time ago when we decided to re-paint a bedroom. We didn’t get divorced, but it wasn’t nearly as fun as that Flash Mob obviously had.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In all fairness to the waitress, she was going for the Longhorn Steakhouse record. But hey, you survived the carnages and that’s the most important thing.

      That’s funny because as a Yankees fan, I have had a crush on the Padres the last couple seasons. And as it turns out, Harper-when healthy- and Machado have worked out by and large.

      That’s true. I mean, Chuck Norris never won an Oscar, which makes no sense to me. And how Vera Farmiga doesn’t win an Oscar for everything she’s in . . . I don’t get it!

      I had a similar Waterloo moment in my marriage when we painted together. It quickly evolved into “You paint the dining room and I’ll paint the living room”.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Yeah, Rolling Stone Magazine….used to be great. Is it an online magazine now? If I go look I might get caught up for an hour or day.
    Don’t understand the sports stuff.

    I married a guitar player. He does a lot of arranging & producing now, and has music night with real musicians who play real instruments.
    It’s loud, it’s under my bed, sometimes the windows rattle and I love it. Great for drawing!

    I like your skit. You coulda been a writer for SNL. If Challo is hello, is Cha cha goodbye?

    Love the flash mob art video. That is the sport of art.

    MUAH!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rolling Stone lost me a long time ago. And then it lost me for good when it wrote a love letter piece to one of the Boston bombers. Nope.

      Sports ball? Ya mean sports ball? 😉

      You live a life of madness and passion, which only adds to your insanely talented works.

      Cha Cha! Or how’s about I give you just plain Ciao!

      I agree with you on the flash mob art video.

      MUAH!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. There’s an awful lot here. Vast archives Imma has. I did smirk at your line about the Grammys….who fucking cares. Something Kurt would have said without batting an eye. Do I sniff a comparison? Hmm I have to read it all again. It’s like a Greek buffet, or better yet…Connie’s wedding.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know right? And Kurt WOULD have said it because it was there to be said. You write the write and you say the thought and he did these as well as anyone.

      I love that! And Connie’s wedding, with Sonny guarding the doors.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Remember when he breaks the camera in the driveway then tosses some dollars from his pocket? All those memorable mannerisms. Was it Cann, Coppola or Puzo responsible for such artistic subtleties? Like painting a live portrait.

        Liked by 1 person

          • Remember how well Coppola represented the era, how seamless it all was? Even the film tones brayed the 40s. Michael in his army uniform sitting with a Kay in her dowdy hat, explaining why Tom had a different last name…how Sonny brought him home one day like an abandoned cat they kept. I just love that. Francis showed no matter what, Italians are a loving people, even if they leave the gun and take the cannoli. Always nice waking up to Mr. Imma. 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          • ” . . . brayed the ’40’s”. That is brilliant and as you would say to me, pull it!

            And yes, bray is NOW in the files. Thank you.

            Dowdy is also in the files, NOW.

            And yanno, our Godfather chats are some of my favorite chats for a reason. Because we watched and then rewatched it countless times and always found something else to hold to. A teacher once told me that all of life’s lessons were in that movie and I do believe he was right.

            You tucked not one,but TWO words into the file inside this comment, so take a bow SB.

            Like

          • She’s happy to contribute. I so love the wedding, all of it…how bout when the skinny guy singing with Mama Corleone, how his lyrics got dirty though in Italian…his gesture, how it really made Mama laugh. All the little nuances he sliced in like secret spices. Well, Francis was a consummate chef in his own right, often making big batches of spaghetti and meatballs for the crew, like Clemenza, just without those mattresses. 🙂

            Like

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