A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . .
The Yankees used to be despised on a level Darth Vader could only dream of. They were damned on Broadway, vilified on the silver screen and despised by rival teams, fans and writers everywhere. Mike Royko, the legendary columnist for the Chicago Sun Times once opined “Hating the Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax,”. In 2002, the President of the Boston Red Sox Larry Lucchino made Yankee hating an iconic paradise when he referred to the Yankees as “The Evil Empire”.
Those were the days.
And then the unthinkable happened; the Yankees became just another team. There’s still plenty of hate thrown their way these days, but it’s simply not the same level of intensity. That’s what happens when you win one measly championship in twenty one years . . . and when you lose to your ancient rivals in historic fashion, after which you stop beating them in the postseason altogether . . . and when you don’t fire a manager every six months . . . and worst of all, that’s what happens when a rival club starts hogging hardware whilst being an enmity magnet in its own right.
Tragically, the Bronx Bombers have lost their mofo. So Imma dish up a 10-step plan that will (hopefully) return the Yankees to most hated status.
Hey . . . a boy can dream.
1- Elon Musk buys the Yankees. You gotta admit, you hate them more already. I do too and I’m a fan!
2- The prevailing opinion is that the Yankees will outbid every other team in order to keep Aaron Judge in the Bronx. Problem is, he’s thirty-years old and injury prone and he’s going to cost enough to pull half the cities in this country out of the red. All the zeroes attached to his next contract will be rewarding him for a once in a lifetime season, and that’s not good business. It’s time to thank him for his services and move on. Unless it’s the Red Sox, in which case we’re gonna have to pay him.
3- Of course we can afford the money Judge is gonna demand. That’s the point. By not rewarding the most popular Yankee since Jeter, fan bases across the map are gonna hate us. This will be especially true if he’s beating up on the National League next season. Unless it’s the Mets, in which case we’re gonna have to pay him.
4- In the best case scenario, Judge signs with a club that is at least a time zone removed from the Bronx. If and when this happens, we figure out how to get Shohei Ohtani. Sell the farm, literally, to get him to New York, and then pay him more than you offered Judge. This will engender even more vitriol. Now we’re cooking!
5- Sign FA Carlos Correa. Yankees fans will quickly forgive the former Astros sins since he’s a sensational player. Every other fan will call us Satan Inc. Mmmmmm.
6- While it would be sublimity squared to sign free agent shortstop Trea Turner away from the Dodgers, we already filled that position with Correa. That ain’t gonna work. So . . . we just buy the Dodgers instead. A tidy 4.5 billion will get ‘er done.
7- Since we’re supping for salt mines, we’re going to buy the World Champion Houston Astros while we’re at it. Hey, if you can’t beat ’em, buy ’em!
8- Our unprecedented free agency haul sets us back a cool 6 billion plus, but it has added a couple hundred wins and a world title to the roster. After which we sell off our redundant positions in order to replenish the farm system we sold away earlier.
9- With a payroll approaching one billion Steinbrenners, the Yanks are slated to pay a couple hundred million in luxury tax penalties as per MLB rules. No sweat, since we’ll just use the money we fetch from our real estate investments in Houston and LA to cover things.
10- Charge Twitter users who won’t pledge their allegiance to the Death Star extra.
I realize there’s no guarantee this sinister plan of mine brings the world series trophy back to the Bronx, but all I know is Darth Vader ain’t walking through that door any time soon and welp . . .
It’s my only hope.
You got me thinkin’ …. I know this is a 10-step plan that is very reasonable and doable …. but having Musk buy the team may be enough. Then again, I can think of only one other buyer who could make a bigger impact …. and that would be HUGE!
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Oh no . . .not that. ANYTHING but that! I realize it would gain a lot of haters, but the idea that Yankee Stadium might become a sea of red hats in the stands?
I shudder.
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I’m just a sayin’!
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On the other hand, I wish Trump had been able to buy an NFL team back in the day. Maybe that would have sated his gorilla-like thirst for attention and he would have kept his nose out of the political arena. But the NFL didn’t want anything to do with him. How come we didn’t get the hint then?
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B,’
And why were the Yankees so despised? Was there one thing or a series of things that made them so loathed?
I do realise there comes a time when action must be taken because we’re proud of being the top of, well, whatever it is we are the top of! Top of the hate chain is still tops and when that no longer is the case, well…
So, to me, your scenarios all have some decent potential. Plus they made me laugh (to which I apologize as this is no laughing matter to one born in the Bronx and for whom, this is his team).
Do keep me posted on the happenings. That Shohei kid is something else, though… I say we nab him.
Never a dull moment with ya, Bronx!
Q
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Q
How much time we got? 😉
The Yankees were the team that broke Boston’s heart when they got Babe Ruth. Never mind the Sox owner held a fire sale and gave him away. From that point on, the Yankees basically became this monolithic enterprise that took advantage of teams with less financial might by pillaging their best players. They also had a rather dubious entry into integration. And the fan base is arrogant as all get out.
Those are the cliff notes.
If you’re hated in sports, you’re doing something right. Even if its wrong.
I love the hate, what can I say?
Shohei in pinstripes would be akin to a Broadway production.
MUAH!
B
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Lots (I hope…)
Ohhhh… is that what it is? And the Yankees are blamed for the “fire sale”… that makes perfect sense, of course. To the arrogant fan base…
K, Gotcha!
This is true, though.
And of course you do!
I think he’d look wonderful
MWAH!!
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If I wasn’t a Yankees fan, I would hate them too. I understand the hatred, really I do. But from this side of the fence, I always loved it. Believe it or not, there are certain Yankees fans who don’t like being hated. They’re called wackos.
The Yankees are the same as any other classic brand name in sports- from the Cowboys to the Canadiens. Our expectations as to what they should be doing in the present are based on what they did in the past.
MUAH!
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Of course. How could you not? And you fall into what category of fan? 😉
There is that. When you put it that way, I understand completely. Of course I can’t ever hate my Canadiens, no matter how much the frustrate me!
MWAH!
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I’m the observer. I don’t need to be all in, that’s not how it jibes for me. I’m plenty fine just keeping tabs.
But Maple Leafs fans can and will.
MUAH!
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I know what you mean. I’m plenty fine with watching a game or a snippet or two. Except two years ago when the Habs got us all excited…
Hell, they are a different lot!
MWAH!
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I can get wrapped up in a show and completely forget that I was keeping tabs on a certain game. It’s why I’m still a Miami fan I’m guessing.
MUAH!
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That’s too funny. And hey, it just makes you more rounded, rather than a rabid fan who see/hears/talks of nothing else 🙂
MWAH!
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I enjoy many sports and I partake as if it were a buffet. What’s wrong with dat? 😉
MUAH!
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Nuthin! Ain’t nuthin wrong with dat at all!
MWAH!
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Nuthin!
MUAH!
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MWAH!
😘
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😘
MUAH!
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😘😘
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What WAS that Habs run? Out of the wilderness and into the finals!
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THAT was as close to a miracle as you can get. Now… when will we see that again?
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It was! And they were closer to pushing Tampa to the limit than the casual observer understood. They were clearly outclassed in terms of talent and yet . . .
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Ah man… So close! And I hate to admit how much they were outclassed… still, a person can dream, eh?
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They were not embarrassed. That final game was close and could have gone either way. The fact they had been able to beat a couple teams who were better on paper before getting to the finals speaks to how special that run was.
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No reason to be embarrassed whatsoever. That final game was a nail-biter. Truly a special run… sigh…
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‘Twas.
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Was fun while it lasted!
MWAH!
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😘😘
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😘😘
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You know that none of this needs to happen for me to fully hate the Yankees, right?
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Thank you for making me feel a lot better about things. 🙂
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By the way (I don’t think I’ve mentioned this to you. If I have, my apologies.), I’m headed to NYC at the end of March to see the San Francisco Giants open their season at Yankee Stadium.
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Yanno, I was pissed when they razed the old Stadium for this caviar crib. Don’t get me wrong, it’s quite a place, complete with the wraparound façade as a hat tip to the original. But . . . it’s TOO perfect. And it doesn’t fetch that same sound the old place had. But Giants/Yankees is always a classic tilt!
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Would’ve been a nice World Series, just saying.
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From where I sit, the Yankees are alive and well when it comes to the title of being the most evil and loathed team in team sports. It is possible you aren’t feeling the intensity of the hatred because spending a gazillion dollars a year hasn’t panned out so well lately, and admittedly some fans are too busy laughing hard to hate harder, but rest assured below the surface it is my feeling the Yankees are still loathed by casual and die-hard fans alike. All that being said, if Musk bought them we might have to retire this discussion as they surely would hit the Hate Hall of Fame at that point.
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Let’s face it, the old standards don’t always behave the way we remembered. Teams like the Celtics and Canadiens and Yankees are still hated but it’s more rote memory than results that makes it so.
I hope Musk doesn’t ever check out this blog post.
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That would be hilarious if he left a comment.
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I would have to charge him, wouldn’t I?
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Oh, yes. For sure, you’d have to charge him.
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It’s only right.
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I carry my hate over from when I was a little kid in Detroit. Of course, when we had Al Kaline we garnered our share of hate too. Fun post, Pilgrim
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You say the meanest things when it comes to my Yankees and I really appreciate that Boss.
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😁
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I don’t understand most of this, but I get #1!
Elon Musk is quite hateable.
MUAH
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You got the gist of it then 😉
MUAH!
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MUAH!
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Aaah, Elon Musk….we didn’t know we could despise him so much. But we can. Cheers from Glasgow my good man.
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He’s universal when it comes to the alliteration of the hateration, so why not be Yankees principal owner I say.
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Ha ha 😀
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To Glasgow!
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🍻🍻
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Salud all around!
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I especially like number 10!
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Oh, it’s gonna be a thing. 😉
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Awwwk…no more Elon. Puleez.
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We lose one obnoxious pain in the ass and there’s another to take his spot!
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Yeah, sadly there is no shortage of these fools.
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Ugh
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I love this title!! It really pulls the reader in!! Nice Job!!
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Thank you!
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