Tell Me Your Fantasies And I’ll Tell You Mine

Fantasy league football is God’s way of saying “I got nothing! “.

If you’re not familiar with the game, you should probably stick to Netflix chilling. Don’t get me wrong, the endeavor is kitschy and amusing, but it’s also horribly redundant when you consider we live in a world where questions as to what is real and what is fake already take up way too much of our brain matter. Fantasy football takes reality and squeezes it into an unnatural paste that compromises many a fan’s enjoyment of the sport. Good thing for me I don’t watch much football and possess a half-ass (at best) knowledge of the players. If I was any more blissfully ignorant, I’d be in Congress.

The history of fantasy football dates back to 1962, when a part owner of the Oakland Raiders got together with a few of his pals and a shit ton of alcoholic beverages in a New York City hotel room and came up with a game based on players statistical valuations. That lost weekend has become a $70 billion dollar industry that gives fans yet another reason to love the game, and hate it too. Both.

I’ve partaken of this curious netherworld once before and I acquitted myself rather nicely with a playoff berth. After which I was unceremoniously discarded by an opponent who chose his players based on results rather than by whether or not their names would fit in a Tarantino flick.

The ass kicking was a reminder that some peeps take this shit seriously. They read up on the numbers and watch videos and aΒ lot of them even play in several leagues simultaneously. I refer to these folks as psychos . . . sorry Frank.

There are a million different leagues with a million different rules out there and for the purpose of this blog post I will ignore all of them. My league worships at the altar of the running back position, which runs counter (pun intended) to the actual sport, where running backs are afterthoughts compared to quarterbacks and wide receivers.

My original lineup was plenty good, or so I thought. I had guys like Aaron Rodgers, Keenan Allen, Jaylen Waddle, Najee Harris and Kyle Pitts. It was peach street to my lying eyes, after which the season started and my pie went rancid. Outside of Waddle, who’s been a solid keep, I gave the Luca Brasi treatment to the rest of these dudes. Aaron Rodgers played like Mr. Rogers on hallucinogenic tea. It was easier to spot Bigfoot than Keenan Allen this year thanks to a hamstring malady. Najee Harris played like Franco Harris, which ain’t good considering the latter is 72 years old. Kyle Pitts, as it turns out, is aptly named.Β I was able to turn those deplorables into some righteous gets; namely Jeff Wilson, Miles Sanders, Isiah Likely and the future Mayor of Chicago, Justin Fields. If I was a real general manager for a real football team, my acquisition of Fields would’ve meant season tickets to the Lyric Opera House, my own booth at Gibson’s and a shared hedgerow with the Obamas. Instead, I’ll have to settle for a winning streak. Whatevs.

After a forgettable start, I fought my way back to 5-5 with a chance to make the playoffs, where anything can happen (Read: Imma get my ass handed to me). That’s another problem with fantasy football. It’s damn near impossible to cheat your way to victory. The best I could do on this count was offer an opponent a bottle of Hennessy if he sat Josh Allen for our tilt. I also engaged in some trash talking with another opponent in a failed attempt to make him forget he had a couple players to switch out on their bye weeks. Alas, my record has nary a “Gate” but mucho mediocrity.

Next year I’m joining a Chess Club.


31 thoughts on “Tell Me Your Fantasies And I’ll Tell You Mine

  1. B

    I’m gonna pretend I understand the machinations of the fantasy league – yeah, no… I can’t even pretend!

    That said, it has been entertaining listening to you sound off on your gets and misses and trades and sit-outs and managing, despite your own belief in yourself to get yourself to 5-5 (whatever that means).

    And THAT said, your writing is always entertaining as all get-out.

    Go playoffs! May you find your berth!

    Great tune, of course.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been playing fantasy football since 1998, and my wife started playing two years later. We always have 2-3 teams each and every year, and while we enjoy using it as a way to make every NFL game meaningful, it is just about the dumbest, most time-wasting activity we do. Nice to know I have a fellow frustrated fantasy player to communicate with on WP!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You guys are psychos and I say that in the most respectful of ways. Because after all, I get what you’re going through now. πŸ˜‰

      Seriously, it’s strange when I say to myself, “Well Miami lost today but my fantasy team pulled it out,”. Thankfully, Miami is much better than my fantasy team.

      My pluses have been few and far between but I did go from having a QB room with Rodgers and Carr to having one with Fields and Tua, so it’s something right?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nice job flipping the script on that QB room! Well played. A brief story – we joined a 12 team league this year not knowing anyone else in the league. I gave the rules a once-over before we joined, but that once-over should have been twice-over. The commissioner left in ALL of the rushing and passing and receiving yardage bonuses…example, if someone runs or throws or catches a 50 yard play…they get the bonus points (5) each for a 30, 40, and 50 yard play. In all my years of playing, I’ve never seen this, Teams are having great overall weeks in this league and still getting beat because of one guy having 50-60 points. I lost this week because I was playing Fields and he was a 64.38. I haven’t mentioned to the commissioner how stupid this was because I’m too busy trying to get my other two teams going. Looks like after this week I’ll be 4-6, 5-5, and 6-4. Sigh. Oh yes, Miami is for real. I picked up Mostert in one league, had Waddle already in another. Happy for the Fins!

        Liked by 1 person

        • That is ODD stuff! And no, I like that we’re pretty straight forward because the one thing I learned this season is that I am completely unfamiliar with half the league!

          Miami’s O-line is on the upswing and if the running game kicks the way it has the last couple weeks, they’re going to be a tough out. It comes down to what their defense can do and how they perform when the temps are 40 or below. They’re 0-7 over the last few years in that weather.

          Liked by 1 person

          • It was a good weekend for the Dolphins. They beat a team they have to beat if they want to make a run to the playoffs and then the Eagles went by the wayside leaving the ’72 Miami team as the last to go undefeated.

            Yeah, as great as the Dolphins have looked, I have a “Yeah, but” in my pocket for when the games get nasty and the game plan gets turned on its head. Winning impressively when you have the cards lined up is one thing. That said, McDaniels has impressed the hell out of me.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Great stuff, Marc because you had a combination of my nodding my head and laughing. It’s definitely unpredictable & frustrating, so the key is to have fun.

    My keys are 1) no money involved and 2) no trading of players between owners, and 3) having active owners managing their team. Yes – just have fun with it. I’m in 2 leagues that operate that way, one with a group in Michigan and in here – and some of us are in both.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I have fun with it, I think. I just laugh at the completely over the top way some peeps are with this stuff. Last week I beat someone who pores over this stuff, as if he was a real GM. Me? I checked to see who was available and who I wanted to cut bait with in a few minutes time.

      It’s kitschy though, which I dig.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I gave up on fantasy sports years ago. I did fantasy baseball for awhile and added fantasy football to the mix. But … it’s harder and harder to identify the players who are going to get points. Back when I first started playing, you knew Jerry Rice was going to get the most WR points for the 49ers week in and week out. And most teams had a true #1 WR that you could rely on. Now, every team has a stable of WRs that are all capable of getting the points from one week to the next. Which ends up meaning that there is no consistency. Few teams have a true #1 WR anymore. So, it’s a total crap shoot. And then, there are the running backs. What are there … two in the league now who are actually used like a running back instead of as a glorified blocker?

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I have no idea what you are talking about.
    I see the ads on TV and have asked many what is this Fantasy Sports?
    My pals have no idea either.
    I thought, oh now Marc will explain it. Finally!
    I still have no idea, wtf!
    A Chess Club sounds good. There’s dignittity … dingity … digitty …. digtitty … you know what I mean, in that game.

    Liked by 1 person

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