Robert De Niro Reads ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all through da house,
not a creature was stirring not even a mouse . . and forget about rats, we took care of those bastids.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in da hopes that St. Nick didn’t blow all his money on da ponies . . .

The children were nestled in their big comfy beds,
that I got off the back of a truck, brand fucking new!

And mama lost da ‘kerchief and I popped a Viagra,
it was gonna be one helluva night for at least ten minutes.

When out on my lawn there arose such a clatter,
that I grabbed my Glock, because unlike a rifle, less splatter.

Away to the window I moved like a flash,
I tore open the shutter and started blasting since I had the suppressor on.

I saw da moon on da breasts of my wife’s new boob job,
as I ran downstairs to punch some holes in da scumbag.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
it was my old pal Jimmy in a stolen Riv!

For an old fuck he thought he was pretty lively and slick,
but he wasn’t fooling me, the rotten prick.

More rapid than eagles, his goombahs they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

Yo Vinny! and Johnny! and Tony! and Pops!
get your asses moving before he calls da cops!

And then I heard something up on the roof,
it HAD to be Sally, the big fucking goof.

As I lifted my Glock and was turning around,
down the chimney Sal came and I blew his fat head off!

Jimmy sprang to his Riv and gave his guys a whistle,
and they started running like their asses was on fire.
But they didn’t make it to the hallway before I filled them with lead,
I ran outside and told Jimmy they was dead.

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Fuck you, you piece of shit!”

That’s okay . . .I caught up with him in Florida.