The Sorryless 81st Annual Super Bowl Preview!

Vintage Photos of the NFL That Show How Football Has Changed

Apologies to Jim Nantz, but our Super Bowl preview is the tradition unlike any other. And thank God for that.

Before I get to the good stuff, Imma give you a heads up on a HUGE get for my interview collection. Next Sunday I will be sitting down with Tom Brady to talk about life, love, football and his addiction to retirements. And you don’t have to subscribe to another streaming service to get it, so there’s that.

The week leading up to the big game turns into a big, fat news hoagie . . .

Aaron Rodgers announces that he will marry himself. “My soulmate was right here all along,” he says. Podcast pal Pat Macafee will preside over the ceremony, after which the former Packers QB will report to his new club- the New York Jets. Subscriptions to the New York Post soar as their back page headlines welcome him to town with “Hiya, Huasca!”.

The quarterback carousel gets kicking: Carson Wentz joins Grey’s Anatomy, Ryan Tannehill joins a tribute band and Jimmy Garoppolo joins Porn Hub.

In his weekly press conference, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones claims he’s not impressed with the rival Eagles second trip to the big game in five seasons. “Super Bowls are all well and good, but I get to enjoy the perks of being boss and they’re every bit as satisfying. Like . . when I go to the mall, I can park anywhere, no charge. When I go to the movies they let me pick my seat. And when I go to Cracker Barrel, free refills,”.

The league announces there will be a four team European division beginning in 2025. UK’s team will be the London Fog. Madrid will introduce the Spanish Flies. The Frankfurters will play in Germany and Denmark gets Something Rotten.

Urban Meyer confesses he wants to give the NFL another try, after which all thirty-two teams change their contact information.

Tom Brady’s second retirement is proving to be even better than his first. “I joined a D&D Club, ate a whole mango and learned my kids names.” He also cancels his trip to New England where he was expected to sign a one day contract with the Patriots so he could retire as a member of his original team. Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross steps in and signs Brady to a two day contract and pays him $50 million guaranteed if he promises to friend the Dolphins on Facebook.

As for the main event . . .

It’s learned that George Santos had offered to sing the National Anthem. He claims to have graduated from Julliard and says he could have had a successful career in music if he hadn’t decided to become an astronaut. He boasts that he is an EMT in his spare time and could have assisted in the event of a medical emergency. “In high school I gave the star quarterback mouth to mouth. In fact, I gave the whole team mouth to mouth. Under the bleachers, after the game.” The NFL ignores the request.

Play by play announcer Kevin Burkhardt is denied entry into State Farm Stadium despite showing his credentials. No one on the Fox Sports team is able to verify his identity, leaving the network without a lead announcer. Rob Lowe’s hair steps into the role.

The Chiefs win the coin flip, after which Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni throws the challenge flag because the officials used a Missouri quarter. Fox Sports lead analyst Greg Olsen agrees, “The Missouri quarter is notoriously inclined to a north/south verticality so when the ref high pointed the coin its spin was partial, thereby deferring to the Chiefs ever so slightly,”

The Eagles jump out to a 21-0 lead as Mahomes throws two pick-sixes, prompting Fox Sports’ Colin Cowherd to proclaim the Chiefs quarterback as “the biggest bust since that Cats movie!”. Kansas City mounts a furious comeback, propelled by four Mahomes touchdown passes to take a 28-24 lead at the half, prompting Cowherd to proclaim that Mahomes is “the most dominant football player since Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson!”.

For the halftime show, Rihanna performs a live concert from the moon. Since time moves more slowly in space, the forty-five minute performance equals one day on earth, so the game picks up on Monday Night. While the music is universally panned, it does produce one highlight as Matt Kowalski, George Clooney’s character in the movie Gravity, is found alive.

In the third quarter, Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts scores on a 125 yard run before it’s called back on account of the fact the field is only 120 yards long. On the very next play Hurts scores on a ninety-nine and a half yard run, which is also called back on account of a holding penalty. Two plays later, Hurts scores on an eighty-one yard run with no flags on the play. Greg Olsen credits Hurts’ tenacity, “In that situation, you’re looking to gain positive yards in space while genuflecting just enough in order to produce missed tackles and reduce the risk of mid-air collisions and Hurts is a master at it!”. Congress alleges that Olsen is attempting to steal their identity.

To open the fourth quarter, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid calls for a  “Smothered Hash Browns” flea flicker in which Mahomes tosses the ball back to himself, catches it, and then flings it the length of the field to himself for the touchdown. After the play, Mahomes announces he will donate his left ankle to science while coach Reid admits he wasn’t calling a play at all. “I was ordering from the Waffle House menu so it was a win/win!”

The game is tied at fifty-one with four seconds to play and the Chiefs pinned inside their own two-yard line, prompting Greg Olsen to say “Kansas City has time for at least three plays and another Waffle House order with Mahomes under center,”. Sure enough, Kansas City’s gridiron god uses all of two and a half seconds to get the Chiefs within field goal range at the Philadelphia thirty yard line. There’s only one problem; the team is down a kicker when Harrison Butker gets poked in the eye by a penalty flag. Kansas City signs Rob Gronkowski to attempt a 47 yard field goal, which he nails. The game winning kick is negated by a penalty, backing the Chiefs up five yards after which Gronk hits a 52 yard field goal, which is also negated by a penalty flag. A third field goal attempt is blocked by a Chinese spy balloon after which Andy Reid lets Mahomes throw a Hail Mary. The Chiefs have twelve men on the field- thirteen if you count the Uber Eats guy- but the refs don’t throw a flag since they ran out of them. Mahomes’ sixty yard toss into the end zone bounces off Travis Kelce’s helmet and right into Mahomes’ arms for the game winning score. Mahomes takes home the Super Bowl MVP trophy and becomes a featured item on the Applebee’s menu- The Mahome-burger: An Angus beef patty, hot mustard and GOAT cheese.

The Chiefs disputed win leaves Philadelphia devastated. Long time Eagles fan Will Smith calls the loss “a slap in the face,” while Jalen Hurts requests a trade back to Alabama. As for Kansas City, the Chiefs receive the blessings of former capo Robert Kraft and the team is the overwhelming favorite to win next year’s Super Bowl and sweep the Oscars.



53 thoughts on “The Sorryless 81st Annual Super Bowl Preview!

  1. I was on the edge of my seat wondering if the Waffle House thing would work and when it did fell over. This was a great Super Bowl satire and almost so good one can believe it to be true. Sometimes I think those halftime shows are on the moon. Anyway, A terrific beginning to a week of Super Bowl anticipation.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There was a time long ago when most people watching a Super Bowl genuinely cared about the game. I suspect since its inception each generation that has come forth has been less and less interested in the football, and more and more interested in the commercials, the halftime show, the social media hot-take excesses, etc. Even when your team is involved, there is this feeling it is more like a reality show than a sporting event. I would certainly be highly amused watching several of the scenarios you laid out above for the week ahead, except for the final score of the game of course. No matter how super-sized and gluttonous this uniquely-bizarre American event has become, you still want your team to be the one holding the trophy at night’s end. Fly Eagles Fly!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You got this right Bruce. The epicness of this grand event has become so HUGE that lawmakers in Tennessee are trying to turn the Monday after the Super Bowl into a holiday. They would have to scrap Columbus Day to do it, and they wanna try.

      Of COURSE you’re going to root your Eagles on. I was listening to Cowherd talk about the NFC quarterbacks and he said Jalen Hurts is the best in the conference. Do you agree?

      Liked by 1 person

        • I find that I agree with him from time to time as well. Of course, my opinion sticks where as he tends to change his weekly.

          I think so too. The 49ers game didn’t show me a lot and I hope he was just overcompensating for the injury and isn’t still hurt.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. B

    Ah man, this was great. I look forward to next week’s interview.

    I cannot adequately comment on each point because well, what could I really add to this wonderfully brilliant and fun post!

    Aaron will be very happy with himself.

    Being able to park is not to be dismissed…

    LOVE the names of the European teams!

    Urban – sorry, the number you are calling cannot be reached.

    The Dolphins – surely they’d not be THAT dumb?

    Poor George. He is so misunderstood. He’s got talent, man! Give him a chance!

    Anybody think of using a Canadian quarter? They don’t have to think it’s biased as our guy doesn’t play for the Chiefs anymore…

    And the winner is: MAHOMES! You mean the Chiefs? No, no… Mahomes, man. He did it all…

    You are certifiable, you know that? I love when you let ‘er rip like this.

    Perfect tune, of course! Waaaaaaaaah! Whaaaaaaaa!


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      Me twice! Tom? Not so much . . .

      I thank you, and no, George Santos had nothing to do with the making of this piece, no matter what he might say.

      He makes a great couple.

      Yeah you’re right. JJ might have a pretty valid point there.

      The London Fog is a return favorite.


      Uh . . . ummm . . . Uh. . . .

      George’s references are impeccable, after all.

      That’s true, but then there would probably be a segment of ‘Murican fans who would rail on about how the league was being un-American.

      The Chiefs are along for the ride.

      I cannot guarantee results, but if even one of these scenarios happens to come true, well . . it probably means we’re all doomed.

      Jump around!!


      Liked by 1 person

      • Gonna be great – I don’t doubt!

        Glad you clarified that coz he’s running his mouth.

        He does!

        You ever try to park near a stadium? Besides costing you your firstborn, you need to get there way too early.

        Yeah, that ones’ perfect. I kinda like the Spanish Flies, too

        Thank gawd.

        Right. Don’t answer that one.

        They are… interesting….

        You’re probably right, there would be those who would protest.

        That they are!

        Let’s not go there, k?


        Liked by 1 person

        • The Tom Brady Interview is going to be epic. Ish . . .

          The game should be good, maybe even really good. But I just ain’t feeling it. It HAD to be all those penalty flags and players who exhibited zero self awareness.

          I don’t miss going to stadiums. Excepting for the Independent League team here, where I get free parking, I stay for six or seven innings and I’m home twenty minutes later. That works for me.

          Miami is going to sign a QB to compete with Tua. It’s probably not going to be a name, just a solid veteran who doesn’t have a chance in hell of actually beating out Tua.


          Liked by 1 person

  4. Now, if sports were like you describe them, I could be convinced to become a fan. So, Rodgers is the new Namath? Shows you how long it’s been since I gave a whatsit. Jones does sound like a real VIP. Snort.

    (And I did see the Prince halftime show, I confess – worth it)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I watched two full games a couple weeks ago. It didn’t work out. I thought it would be fun kitschy, maybe even a hoot. But it turned out to be a long day in which I felt as if I had wasted a day of my life to penalty flags, players with zero sense of discipline or self awareness and announcers who think they have to fill up every second of dead air with terminology that NOBODY uses in real life.

      I don’t plan on watching the Super Bowl because of the not so great time I had watching those two games. I would much rather read about it and watched a condensed highlights video on YouTube.

      As for the new Namath? That’s Joe Burrow. Rodgers is the NFL version of the Kardashians. And Jones is the kind of boss we have all had at one point or other; he wants the yes and when you hit him with no, he shows you the door.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I
    Wishing I would have read this because watching knowing what happening before it happens is a waste of time. Maybe I won’t watch and go to Waffle House. But their panel of big screens will show the game. Guess I’ll go to Hooters because no TVs or distractions from my meal. Meanwhile, late game degree involvement brings up too many memories.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think the game should be a good one, I hope it is. It’ll make the highlights and next day’s reading that much more interesting.

      Waffle House has big screens? What Waffle House do you go to? 😉

      As for Hooters, I used to go for the wings . . .


  6. It’s amazing how much truth is in this!!!

    Meanwhile, here’s another truth … I can’t imagine a match-up that is more snoozeworthy for me. I’m committed to not paying attention to the game this year. I say that most years and fail, but I’m devoted to the effort this year. Not even the commercials or the half-time show will draw me in.

    Liked by 1 person

      • well too many celebrities are in commercials now – I guess it is good money but I almost wonder if it is also self-serving to be “seen” during the game (Ie Ben and Jenn Lopez were in a commercial)

        we had the game on while multi-tasking
        an at the start of the game – gambling ads

        and Rhianna’s halftime show had floating stages and fully clothed (almost arctic like)
        and my only complaint there related to her sexual innuendos and lyrics about “see me naked” – because if this is family friendly – that was not family friendly content – it was all sexualized when she pointed to her butt and vagina numerous times – sigh!

        and not too much more to say – as I am sure you have skimmed a few news articles – but the ending of the game was lackluster

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think the thing with Super Bowl commercials at this point is that it is painfully obvious they are trying MUCH too hard. These things happened organically back in the ’80s, after a string of forgettable games led to fans looking for a reason to get excited. The commercials became a thing.

          Yeah the league doesn’t give a flip about family friendly. They pander and they pose but it’s so phony.

          The way it ended left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths. But having watched the hold, it was a hold. The timing of the call aside, it wasn’t not a hold. I guess knowing it was to be a formality after that sucked though.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yes, an I heard the player that had the penalty said he agreed with the call.

            I had another thought about commercials –
            the reason why the SuerBowl ones are not as exciting anymore is partly because the NON-Super Bowl commercials are way better these days.
            We are living in the digital age where making amazing commercials is easier than ever – and cheaper – and the little dramas or stories that unfold in the average US commercial can be pretty amazing – the advanced cameras and fun little scenarios are outstanding (even though they are all overdoing the “surprise” element – like where coors lite and iller lite were being touted and it ended up being a blue moon commercial – the entire “gotcha” theme is really getting over done

            Liked by 1 person

          • I’ll have to look up that Blue Moon commercial. Just for the hell of it.

            And yeah you make a great point, the days of commercials not being treated like a micro-movie are long over.

            Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t really know who/what you are talking about.
    Do you have a preview of Rihanna’s half time? That’d be cool.

    Okay…. MUAH!!

    Daniel Baldwin…PT 2

    So, call time for wardrobe was 6:00 am on the first day of shooting.
    Danny was up that day. He had lines, and so he was occupied. That was good.

    Unfortunately, for the next 2 weeks he was in every other day, but had no lines. The scenes dictated he be there, he had some close ups and facial reactions, but by and large he was like a glorified extra during that time. That was not good.

    He became bored. We had hugs every day he was in, and as the days passed, the hugs changed. He seemed to need them more.
    Something was going on, and I felt it.

    It was on one of these days, about 2 weeks in, that we lost Danny for almost an hour.

    We were shooting courtroom scenes. Danny was a must in the scenes, as he was one of the victims that the trial was about. Still, he had no lines. It was all about the lawyer (Ted Danson) presenting his case.

    It was time to bring all actors and extras to set for the scene. Danny had been dressed and waiting in his trailer for awhile.

    The Honeyland AD went to Danny’s Winnebago, and informed Danny he was called to set. The AD saw Danny leave his Winnie.

    It was establishing, so I was on set waiting to make sure the costumes were how I wanted them. Everyone arrived and were positioned in the set, but where was Danny?

    Then the insanity began. They checked his Winnie (just in case he went back in for something), the craft truck, wardrobe trailer, hair and make-up trailer, the grip truck (he hung out there with the guys sometimes), extras holding and they walked to set in case he was walking to set.

    The walkies were on fire!

    After a good 20 or more minutes, a semi panic set in. Where was Danny?

    Around the half hour mark, someone thought to ask his driver. Turns out Danny had not made it to his transportation location. The driver was waiting, behind the line-up of Star Winnebagos, to take him to set. Danny had not made it to the van.

    Danny’s Winnie was second last in the line-up of Winnies. Ted Danson’s was the last one. The transport vans were behind Ted’s trailer. Somewhere between Danny’s Winnie and his driver’s van, Danny had gotten lost.

    Finally, in spite of the fact that the Stars Winnebagos are all locked when they are not in them, someone suggested Ted Danson’s trailer was the only place in between.

    An AD retrieved the key from its hiding placed, and unlocked the door.

    Danny was asleep on Ted Danson’s couch.

    Liked by 1 person

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