The Funny Thing About Death

I never understood why people fear mortality.

What’s the point in being afraid of the inevitable? I mean, if you’re going to be afraid of bad company you can’t reschedule, be afraid of in-laws and the IRS. Leave the grim reaper out of it. He’s just doing his job, and business is good when you consider that mortality rates were up last year.

This thought occurred to me- death- whilst enjoying my every other day half hour run. Thirty minutes, three miles and change, the perfect Zen. Now, thinking about death is way different than being afraid to die. Thinking about death is something I do every day, several times a day. It usually pays a visit inside my lighter moments.

Of course, death isn’t all fun and games. There are certain methods of cosmic transportation that do not butter my bread. so a list of ways in which death would truly suck? Yeah, I just so happen to have such a list.

Ventilators- Nope.

Shark Attack- Sharks are majestic, but so is the St. Patrick’s Cathedral and I wouldn’t want to be impaled by one of its spires.

Plane Crash- Every time a plane crash happens, some aviation expert will let us know it’s far more likely we’ll die after slipping in the bathtub than die in a plane crash. Yeah but last time I looked, my bathtub wasn’t forty thousand feet above the ground.

Dying in the audience during “Live with Kelly Ripa and _____”- I would sooner hurtle to earth in a plane while hooked up to a ventilator, after which I survive the impact only to be devoured by sharks.

When my half hour run was in the books I decided to treat myself, which isn’t a regular occurrence for yours truly. The problem with this brilliant fucking idea is that I quit most of the stuff I used to treat myself to. Like painkillers, day drinking and smokes.

Meanwhile, mi mama is on the road to recovery after having tangoed with mortality a couple months ago. She lived to tell the tale, even if the telling is sometimes in the form of bitching and moaning about her physical therapy. So it was that I summoned a little Mickey Goldmill on the drive to her latest session and once she aced that shit? I treated her (us) to McDonalds.

McDonalds is truly every once in a while for me and it won’t be a regular occurrence for the old gal either, but in the moment it was a pretty brilliant fucking idea. Which got me thinking happier thoughts. And that’s when my list of ways to die that don’t suck quite so much came to me.

Because of course I have one . . .

Skydiving- The only problem is my intense fear of heights. In order for me to die while skydiving, I would have to be drugged and then thrown off a plane. But I’m willing to try it so long as the drugs are really, really good.

Competitive Eating Contest- It would serve me right to get strangled by a five-pound bacon cheeseburger with all the fixings. I’ve wasted enough time watching these marathon masticators do their thing while making light of it that I probably deserve such a fate, as long as caramelized onions are an accessory.

As breakfast for a Bengal tiger- I only romanticize such a thing because of Yann Martel, but it still counts. And besides, I would lose consciousness within thirty-seconds, tops. Sure it would be the longest thirty seconds of my life, but it sure as hell beats thirty minutes of Ripa.

An explosion in a distillery- I get to take it with me!

Being impaled by a spire from St. Patrick’s Cathedral- Alright, I thought about it some and yanno . . it would be a pretty cool way to buy the boat.

Yann Martel once wrote that death fell in love with the beauty of life, and that’s why it stalks it. And I think that if I’m willing to allow a Bengal tiger to macchiato my ass into the ever after, there’s gotta be some truth to that idea.

I betcha Ryan Seacrest would agree.





40 thoughts on “The Funny Thing About Death

  1. Interesting how situations with other people get us thinking about topics as death and mortality. I’ve done that two – but never with prose as you’ve delivered. I wonder if one of your kids would surprise you on your birthday with tickets to Kelly & Ryan? Great video and song for the post … and a new one for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t need the prompt, but yes, they do in fact contribute to the marathons that happen in my head.

      Let’s just put it this way. If my kids surprise me with tickets to Kelly and Whoever, I’ll surprise them by moving and changing my number, ๐Ÿ˜‰

      The Kills have been around for a while now, and I came across them when I was Cayman Thorn. Good stuff.


  2. B

    Only you would think of writing such a post – and with such style.

    I think we all think of death – you’re right, it serves no purpose to worry about it, it’s guaranteed to happen. Life is a fatal sexually transmitted disease. We just don’t know the when of it (of course, taking it by our own hand does have a time and date stamp to it but honestly, not ideal).

    As to the hows that are not desirable? Your list is rather interesting, to say the least. While at first, one could think death by zombie could be interesting, as you die to live(ish) again, but what a boring death/life you do have: snarl, attack, eat, repeat; so that’s a no. I shall have to ponder this one.

    Dying while doing something fun and exciting (like skydiving) is way cooler than lying there, wasting away; so that’s a yes. More to ponder now.

    Cool tune. I didn’t know it.


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      Style, huh? Well thank ya. Thank ya very much!

      For me, I actually haven’t really ever been afraid of the stuff. It’s just there, waiting. Like a pain in the ass customer.

      The zombie death has been pondered many times over and I always come to the same conclusion. It would absolutely SUCK to be eaten alive by a gross, funky meat puppet. And then to become that? Nope.

      Better than going to a Kelly Ripa show, tell you what.

      The Kills is a duo I came across a little while back and really liked their stuff. They’ve been around for a while now.




      Liked by 1 person

      • Yep, style.

        I don’t think I’ve ever been really afraid of it; but not in any rush to experience, if ya ken. It’s more of a pain in the ass when you’ve witnessed it, or felt it’s breath on you.

        Yeah. No zombie, por favor.

        While painful, going to that show is such a brief time… it would be more like a non-lethal hit with, say, one of Carol’s arrows… you’d survive it but it would leave a mark.

        I seem to remember the name of the group, just couldn’t have named a tune. Good stuff.

        You know it.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, I just finished our taxes…but there is this Death thingy still “out there.” I’ve already put it my formal request to pass on in my sleep. I’m not down with any of the scenarios outlined above. Death will only be considered a success if I don’t know it is coming. I mean, I KNOW it is coming, but I’d like that switch to be thrown nice and cleanly while I am ZZZZ. Cool tune and video. In the worst kept secret ever, Seacrest steps aside for Mark Consuelos. Who didn’t know those crazy-in-love kids wouldn’t wind up hosting that gig? As for Ryan, this probably frees him up to take a dozen more jobs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. At my age, the subject of Death has been overthought to the point of finally becoming a non-item. Your post was fun in that it gave rise to the idea of being able to choose one’s own exit. I came up with a massive heart attack brought on by consuming way too many Tanguray gins on the rocks with three olives, too many Nat Sherman smokes, and making a pass at the beautiful blond next to me. The heart attack is the realization that the blond is married to Tiny, who just came through the door, and I’m too stupid drunk to protect myself. I think I’ll work on this, but in the meantime, this is a fun post, Pilgrim.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The older I get and the more others close to me seem to ‘exit…stage left’ I find myself thinking about it but nothing quite as clever as your scenarios. Here’s to sticking around for a long, long time dude. Your posts help me get through some of the cloudier days. Bengal tigers and sharks notwithstanding.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I have to make light of death since I am officially at the age when, well . . who knows?

      The Bengal tigers are my crush. Such magnificent creatures. I hope that when the humans finally pitch tent, the magnificent creatures rule for a long, long time.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I would rather die laughing. At least I would be the punchline. And just so you know, my father walked away from two plane crashes. OK limped but he was still in two. I do like the idea of the distillery thoughโ€ฆ Want company?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hmmm……

    Laughing to death from the funniest joke/gag ever!

    In my sleep while dreaming the best dream ever. Maybe that’s where we go?

    Hit by a truck while shooting street art. (a car might not do it)

    You’ve already taken impaled by a spire, so I’ll go with …. spontaneous combustion! (Like the drummers in Spinal Tap!)

    Meet you on the other side
    By the gates!
    My cloud or yours?


    Liked by 1 person

    • Let’s go clouding together Resa! It’ll be fun. You can show me how you grab these fantastic mural finds.

      Death ain’t funny, so we have to make it laughable in order to get by. That’s the way I see it. ๐Ÿ˜‰



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