Atomic Fireballs, Seinfeld Skits and Spring Baseball

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror | Weekend Ecard

Life comes at you strangely.

I wonder what would happen if we could slow the world’s spin by half? Seeing as how humankind ain’t a lab experiment, rather than provide a definitive answer to our what’s what, the manipulation is likely to create even more questions. And we have enough of those as it is.

So Imma mine some minutiae before supplying a few thoughts regarding the splendor that is spring baseball.

Retro Atomic Fireballs" Poster for Sale by tangerinespeedo | Redbubble

I tend to engage in brief skirmishes with candy these days. I have a fifteen-year chip for breaking its evil spirit many moons ago during Lent. When I went back to the sweet stuff after forty days, it just didn’t cocoa my puff in the same way.

The candy in my crib is scant these days. I mostly partake when I’m at work and I tend to dabble in the shit that never turned me on back when candy- specifically chocolate . . dark chocolate . . anything that rhymed with chocolate- was my crush. I’ll consider licorice and I’ll even go for sour, which I once considered an affront to common sense. And this past week, I did me some hot.

Enter the Atomic Fireball. At 3500 Scoville units, it musters the same kick as your average jalapeno, with a cinnamon finish that keeps the brush fire in your mouth interesting enough. But there’s some peligroso to this round mound of resound. The dubious deed occurred to me when I popped the candy marble- which measures almost an inch in diameter. This immediately triggered my worst case scenario list.

Top 5 Dumbest Ways to Punch Your Cosmic Ticket? N’kay . .

1- Being shot with a nail gun
2- Getting flattened by an air conditioner window unit
3- Death by birthday candle fire
4- Drowning in a puddle
5- Choking on hard candy

What makes these ignoble exits truly frightening is that if you happen to buy one of them, the collective reaction will most definitely include laughter. That luck, as Twain would say, is an ill gotten shower I want zero part of. So I’m officially on a forty-days plus forever diet when it comes to the hard stuff.

Laughing Jester - Wikidata

That Seinfeld skit I mentioned in the marquee came to me as I was discussing my mother’s recovery with someone. Me and my son have this neurotic habit of applying Seinfeld to the most ordinary situations. The skit goes something like this . . .

Jerry and George run into an old friend who fell out of touch. He explains the reason for his absence had to do with a ‘health scare’, leaving the boys to speculate on the matter. They come to learn their friend’s relative was the one with the health issue, after which they call him on it. Because he was obviously hijacking someone else’s health and using it for his own personal gain.

British artist Andy Brown captures essence of baseball through paintings | The Japan Times

You can have your March Madness©, with its never ending supply of brand coaches and felonious freshmen looking to turn their hot collegiate minute into a baller bank account. For my swing at the spring, baseball is where it’s at. Because in spite of the Manfredian Empire’s occupation of the game’s most sovereign qualities, poetry still reigns over the sport when push comes to glove.

What begins with a flicker in the spring, transforms to a raging fire in summer before getting tucked into bed by Longfellow’s pen in the fall. And across this three act production that spans three of the four seasons, there exists the very same magic I felt the first time I laid eyes on a big league diamond. The new curriculum doesn’t change the math when a pitcher is painting corners with the brushstrokes of a master painter. That harmonious mystery of two pounds worth of maple turning cowhide into one of Dante’s circles remains intact. And when nine innings become the page turning matters of life and death, you’re thankful for the chance to read it’s three-dimensional ending.

Spring is where every team has a chance, maybe not to win it all, but to do something that will convince the universe that old Abner Doubleday deserves a raise.

I’m there for that.


44 thoughts on “Atomic Fireballs, Seinfeld Skits and Spring Baseball

  1. B

    First off… great title! You do know how to grab our attentions. And I love that meme 😉

    Oh man, would we even know what to do with that feeling of extra time?

    Those fireballs really are dangerous, aren’t they? Never mind the heat, which, to the ones who do not have fried taste buds can be hell itself. You are so right about the choking hazard. Because the one who gives you said fireball is just waiting for you to react to it so they can burst out laughing, causing you to laugh and well, landing on your no. 5 spot of dumbest ways to say sayonara to life as we know it.

    The other four ways are rightfully on your Dumbest list.

    Might be a good idea to put it on a forty-plus day hiatus.

    I SO agree with you on the hijacking someone else’s health to use for personal gain. Love that there is a Seinfeld skit for pretty much all of life’s happenings.

    You know how you say baseball is poetic? It sure is through your pen. That was a beauty of a write and such a pleasure to read. Seriously gorgeous.

    And Lizzo. How can we not love the sexy Lizzo? Talk about ownership.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wait, there’s splendor in spring baseball? #stillwaiting #rockiessuck

    Yeah, I’m with you, no bueno on the hard candy thing. Ever. And as for chocolate, yes please, but learned to realize it should be good, quality chocolate, not just something brown. M&M’s are pseudo-chocolate. I want something decent for those calories, not just the clever marketing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We agree to disagree on March Madness > Spring Training. I will say I have found the “adjustments” to all the clocks baseball has now amusing. I can envision a world series decided because of a second ticking off. Good grief, Charlie Brown! Choking on hard candy is not how I plan on going out. I think of the scenarios listed drowning in a puddle may the likely exit. Atomic Fireball is a hard pass…I find enough challenges with yellow onions.🧅🧅🧅

    Liked by 1 person

  4. All madness, and then sports.
    So.. all madness in the end.

    Speaking of madness:

    Part 3

    Days passed and Danny’s boredom grew.

    He started borrowing money from crew members. It was always $200.00.
    Word was he had drawn all he could out of the production. Also, word was he had been gambling, cards, and was on a losing streak.

    Still, he was not drinking or doing drugs; just gambling. He was his happy lucid self, lots of hugs and fun.

    Finally, the first shooting day of his big scenes arrived.

    It was a suburban location. It was the character’s home, and the scenes were conversations between him and his wife. Story wise, his character had been sexually abused by priests as a child, and things were coming to a head in the court proceedings.
    Needless to say the at home conversations were deeply emotional.

    It was only Danny and the actress who played his wife, on set all day. There were script day changes, but it was a comparatively easy day for me. On such a day, I would sleep in until 6:00 am., to arrive on set by 7:30 am.

    Danny was late. In the end, he never showed up.

    At noon the production called “wrap”, on a costly day that yielded no results.

    Danny was in the hospital. The buzz onset was that he had slipped on some hair conditioner, while washing his hair in the shower. Apparently the Hair Department had given it to him and asked him to use it in the morning.

    I got the real story from a high up.

    Danny’s gambling debts had careened out of control. When he couldn’t pay up, someone took a bat to his knee, flipped his knee cap upside down (or was it inside out?) and shoved it behind his knee.

    He was up for surgery that day. He would be out of commission for days, or more. It would be weeks, maybe months, until he was decently healed. Producers & editors began reviewing the footage that had been shot with Danny in it. The question was; what was more expedient and less expensive? Should they cash in insurance, recast his character and reshoot all of the scenes he was already in? Or?

    The AD’s began writing optional shooting schedules, to acommodate the various scenarios of what the production would end up doing.

    Part 4 should do it!

    Liked by 1 person

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