Sorryless Letters: Fan Mail Made Simpler!

Anyone can read fan mail, but how’s about I make some shit up and package it as legitimate? Okay, how’s about semi-legitimate? And failing that too . . let’s just do this thing anyways . . .

Dear Marco,

I love your blog but I do have a small complaint. Enough with the checkout line posts, please? I know you’ve only penned a handful of them but they are simply dreadful. 

Julia Child


Eh too?

I thought if anyone would appreciate my love for grocery shopping, it would surely be you. Hell, it’s the only shopping that I don’t set a timer to. And since the average person spends more than nine months grocery shopping over the course of their lifetime, it’s obvious that I don’t write about it nearly enough but thanks for the inspiration!


Dearest Sorryless,

Back on your old blog, I believe you wrote something to the effect that the US women’s soccer team would get equal pay when they achieved equal ratings. Well, they have in fact scored better ratings than the men in US World Cup action in recent years so would you like to expand on your previous comments? 

Elizabeth Bennet

Hey Elizabeth.

First of all, thank you for paying such close attention to my work. As for whether I would like to dig a bigger hole for myself by expanding on my previous comments? My short answer is nope. And the long answer would have to be hell nope!


Hey man, 

I was wondering if you needed any landscaping done around the house? My  schedule is wide open so if weeknights or weekends suit you best, I can make it happen. Thanks in advance! 


Mr. Brady

Hey Tom,

told you not to quit your day job until you had something else lined up, remember? I realize you’re just looking to make ends meet until you start your new gig in the fall but I’m afraid I can’t oblige. Check out Target, I think they’re hiring!


Mr. Sorry L Ess

As a distant bystander to the political machinations of this day and age, I do declare that what y’all have on your hands is Hades on loan. Your muscle headed leaders are an embarrassment of leeches given to removing the stubborn dye from Lady Liberty’s flag! 


Huey Long

Dear Kingfish,

Just when I thought our political climate couldn’t get any worse? You go and prove me absolutely wrong.


To whom it may concern,

You spend far too much time penning film reviews in spite of the ghastly state of the industry. Pardon my saying so, but this circling of the drain is beneath you and your friend Mr. Pesci. 

Ignatius Reilly

Yo Iggy!

It seems you have way too much time on your hands. I’m going to give you my friend Tom’s phone number. He’s an out of work athlete looking for venture capital with which to start up a seasonal business and since you clearly have none of what he’s looking for, this works splendidly!





35 thoughts on “Sorryless Letters: Fan Mail Made Simpler!

  1. Dear B

    It’s funny… I was searching for something to write, as I felt like writing, but couldn’t come up with shit. So I’ve given up and am going to go get my mother so we can have a Wilensky Special…. Can you believe in 29 years marriage my old man NEVER brought her there? Seriously.. Hmmm…maybe this will be my inspiration!

    Love when you throw your ideas to the wind and manage the swirls into entertaining reading.

    Love the tune – I had never heard it!

    Lotsa love,

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Sir:
    Once again you’ve hit it outa the park! Well done. And for the records, you were a whole lot kinder to Mr. Brady than I could ever be. I’d have told him to go pound sand or in lieu thereof, that take a long walk off a short pier and take his fellow Bostonians with him. Color me happier than a clam at high tide when the Bruins were eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. At least the Av’s can say they had nearly 500 injured man games this season and we didn’t set NHL records they’re still waxing on about on ESPN or TNT. So there, pfft bozos! {blowing bigly raspberries}.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t really talk too much shit about the bastid since I still feel like he might end up in Miami. Which is not great news if it happens because it means Tua got hurt again and his career is probably over.

      Unbelievable! 65 wins got them bupkis.

      Hey, the Avs raised the Cup, so whatever happened this season, they can rest assured they DID climb that mountain at least.

      Liked by 1 person

      • AWK! Is it even possible that Miami might pick up the ancient one?! Yikes. My deepest condolences.

        If anything, this season proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Stanley Cup is the hardest championship to win. Between the injuries, league bias and ineptitude (the officiating was the absolute pits across the board), the Av’s win is even more unbelievable. With at least 10 unrestricted agents, it’s gonna be a nailbiter to see who’ll be there after a nice long offseason. They will likely be unrecognizable.

        Liked by 1 person

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