Sorryless Letters: Fan Mail Made Simpler!

Anyone can read fan mail, but how’s about I make some shit up and package it as legitimate? Okay, how’s about semi-legitimate? And failing that too . . let’s just do this thing anyways . . .

Dear Marco,

I love your blog but I do have a small complaint. Enough with the checkout line posts, please? I know you’ve only penned a handful of them but they are simply dreadful. 

Julia Child

Julia!

Eh too?

I thought if anyone would appreciate my love for grocery shopping, it would surely be you. Hell, it’s the only shopping that I don’t set a timer to. And since the average person spends more than nine months grocery shopping over the course of their lifetime, it’s obvious that I don’t write about it nearly enough but thanks for the inspiration!

 

Dearest Sorryless,

Back on your old blog, I believe you wrote something to the effect that the US women’s soccer team would get equal pay when they achieved equal ratings. Well, they have in fact scored better ratings than the men in US World Cup action in recent years so would you like to expand on your previous comments? 

Elizabeth Bennet

Hey Elizabeth.

First of all, thank you for paying such close attention to my work. As for whether I would like to dig a bigger hole for myself by expanding on my previous comments? My short answer is nope. And the long answer would have to be hell nope!

 

Hey man, 

I was wondering if you needed any landscaping done around the house? My  schedule is wide open so if weeknights or weekends suit you best, I can make it happen. Thanks in advance! 

Sincerely, 

Mr. Brady

Hey Tom,

I told you not to quit your day job until you had something else lined up, remember? I realize you’re just looking to make ends meet until you start your new gig in the fall but I’m afraid I can’t oblige. Check out Target, I think they’re hiring!

 

Mr. Sorry L Ess

As a distant bystander to the political machinations of this day and age, I do declare that what y’all have on your hands is Hades on loan. Your muscle headed leaders are an embarrassment of leeches given to removing the stubborn dye from Lady Liberty’s flag! 

Regretfully, 

Huey Long

Dear Kingfish,

Just when I thought our political climate couldn’t get any worse? You go and prove me absolutely wrong.

 

To whom it may concern,

You spend far too much time penning film reviews in spite of the ghastly state of the industry. Pardon my saying so, but this circling of the drain is beneath you and your friend Mr. Pesci. 

Ignatius Reilly

Yo Iggy!

It seems you have way too much time on your hands. I’m going to give you my friend Tom’s phone number. He’s an out of work athlete looking for venture capital with which to start up a seasonal business and since you clearly have none of what he’s looking for, this works splendidly!