Sorryless Letters: Yup, More Of This Shit!

There’s a reason why I ignore my blog inbox. Because entering that dark web of misbegotten is akin to dredging up a Satan worshipping pirate ship from the cold, murky depths. Nothing good comes of it. And since I don’t receive any assistance from FEMA in dealing with this man-made catastrophe, y’all get to be the beneficiaries.

You’re welcome!

Dear Sorryless,

I’m just wondering which burger you’re choosing if it’s between Five Guys and Shake Shack? And you can ONLY choose between those two, okay? Be a man! 

Dave

Mr. Portnoy, first off, love your videos. Well, at least the videos you were producing back when you were still hustling your empire into play. And congrats on that. Hmmm, if I absolutely HAD to choose, Imma go with La Cage in Boucherville . . .

YOUR FAKE INTERVIEWS WITH ME MUST BE TAKEN DOWN IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL SUE! IT HAS BECOME CLEAR TO ME AFTER READING THROUGH YOUR MANY FAKE INTERVIEWS THAT YOU WERE ALSO INVOLVED IN THE GREAT STEAL OF THE 2020 ELECTION! 

Dear Mr. Trump. Wait, what . . you read?!

Dear Sorryless, 

I’d like your thoughts on our great national sport now that both Toronto and Edmonton have been dispensed from the playoffs. We had high hopes going into this postseason, but in the end Canadian hockey will mark the thirtieth anniversary of the Montreal Canadiens Stanley Cup series win over the Los Angeles Kings with another early trip to the golf course. 

Sincerely, 

Don Cherry

Dear Mr. Cherry,

First off, your letter is by far the kindest and most thoughtful I have read thus far this morning. What’s up with that? You feeling okay? But seriously, the state of Canadian hockey is still quite strong seeing as almost half the league is made up of players born in Canada. That far exceeds all other countries and it speaks to the pipeline that still runs strong. Canada has won the Cup in every season since ’93, in lineups across the league. Yes, that’s glass half full thinking. And that glass is filled with Creemore Ale.

Dear Sorryless,

My next door neighbor is really starting to piss me off. He mows his lawn at five o’clock in the morning and has parties till all hours of the night on weekends. Is homicide justifiable if your neighbor is a royal pain in the ass?

Asking for a friend

Dear Mr. Simpson,

Sorry to say, homicide is not justifiable under these circumstances. Understandable? Hell yes, but you’re still going to have to deal with the long arm of the law on the other side. And please be advised that Johnny Cochrane, F. Lee Bailey and Robert Kardashian are all dead.

Dear Sorryless,

What’s your favorite show right now? Also, give me one guilty pleasure and one take it or leave it show. 

All the best, fellow traveler

Dear American Streamer,

By far, my favorite show is The Diplomat. Imma be in mourning until season two drops. As for my guilty pleasure, that’s easy. Indian Matchmaking is so much fun. And a show that I can take more than leave would have to be White House Plumbers. 

Dear Mr. Sorryless,

Would you be so kind as to give me your early betting favorite to win the Oval Office in 2028. 

Your friends at Caesars Palace

Hail Caesar!

And a big thank you for bypassing what is destined to be a highly forgettable 2024 national election. For my money, Imma go with an individual who has exhibited erratic behavior in the past. A person whose knowledge of American history is limited to fast food and liquor. A person who believes you can drive to Europe from the states. And no, I don’t mean the guy who occupied the White House before Joe. I’m talking about Britney Spears. And I already have a winning slogan for her campaign.

Make America Late Again!

 

 

 

 

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