Marjorie Taylor Greene’s first two years as the representative out of Georgia’s 14th Congressional District have introduced a fresh new hell to American politics. Greene didn’t take long to unleash conspiracy theories that resulted in a boom for the tin foil hat industry and a crash of our collective common sense. Her political positions scored a zero on Rotten Tomatoes and yet, she is a rock star in some circles- surprisingly none of which were written by Dante Alighieri.
Before my interview with MTG, I spend forty-five minutes talking to her publicist about topics that will be off limits. I’m warned countless times not to utter a single word about masks, vaccines, her rhetoric that involved killing political opponents, the border wall, sanctuary cities, Area 51, Motel 6, Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama, Ayn Rand, Hitler, the Gestapo and Gazpacho, Taco Bell, QAnon . . or anything that begins with the letter Q, gun control, Jews, the harmonica or Chef Boyardee.
Once I’ve been cleared, I agree to meet Greene outside BLT Steak- a popular D.C. eatery for what she is referring to as a ‘road trip’. I notify my next of kin in the event I go missing just as a jet black stretch Hummer pulls to the curb. The tinted window rolls down and a driver dressed in Ray Bans and a bad tan asks me for the password.
“Let’s Go Brandon?”
“Good enough, get in,”
I climb into the passenger side seat and turn to find Greene in an orange dress, sipping a “Pimped up Pineapple Passionfruit Babay!”. I pray to God she keeps her legs crossed for the entirety of the trip as the driver pulls away from the curb.
Sorryless: I would like to start by thanking you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit with us this morning. I was told you had some important meetings you had to push back in order to accommodate us . . .
Greene: No problem at all. Let’s face it, I’m getting paid whether I’m sitting in on those meetings or not, yanno?
Sorryless: You’re a true patriot, doing the people’s work.
Greene: I’m glad you think so. And umm, what do you mean by the people’s work? What does that mean?
Sorryless: Your constituency?
Greene: Is that one of those French words? Not a fan. The only French I like are fries, kissing and toast! Heck . . . I wouldn’t even watch the show Friends because it sounded too much like French!
Greene lets loose with a cackle out of Stephen King’s worst nightmare while eyeing me suspiciously. I have to change the subject quickly or risk her ditching the interview. I’m ashamed of myself for not choosing the latter but hey . . journalism!
Sorryless: What are your thoughts on the Titanic?
Greene: Well, I’m not saying it didn’t happen but, where’s the video footage? All those survivors and they even made a freaking movie about the boat but not a single piece of footage? Something’s not adding up.
Sorryless: A lot of things ain’t adding up, Ms. Greene. But let’s assume for a moment that the hundreds of thousands of verified reports are in fact true and the ship really did sink. Do you have any theories?
Greene: Well I have to be very careful about what I say because I know my detractors on the left are gonna be like There she goes again! and then the socialist late night talk show hosts are gonna use me in a bunch of skits and make me look really stupid . . .
Sorryless: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Greene: I’m sorry, what was your question again?
Sorryless: The Hindenburg. Who killed the Hindenburg?
Greene: The French, probably.
Sorryless: Let’s change things up. Did Donald Trump win the election?
Greene: Fucking A right he won the election!
Sorryless: According to . . . .?
Greene: Anyone who watched the early results where he was ahead by like a bazillion points and they kept on counting even though it was over, clearly.
Sorryless: You do understand this wasn’t a boxing match, right?
Greene: I would bet taxpayer money with you right now that Donald Trump is still President.
Sorryless: So who’s to blame for the economy? And gas prices?
Greene: The president.
Sorryless: In your words, then, Donald Trump is to blame.
Greene: No of course not.
Sorryless: But you just said Trump is president, and then you said the president is to blame.
Greene: I meant neither. And both. And the first one.
Sorryless: Alright, let’s try it this way. Will Trump run in 2024?
Greene: Yes, and this time he’ll win by more than he did in 2020.
Sorryless: So he’ll regain the office that you claim he already possesses?
Greene: Correct. And absolutely not.
I want the interview to be over because I’m running out of patience. And Xanax. Both. Greene chugs the rest of her vodka marinated passionfruit drink and then retrieves a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon from a cooler.
Sorryless: What compelled you to enter the political arena?
Greene: Jesus came to me one night and we had a long conversation about it. I was depressed because I had always wanted to be an astronaut but an astronaut’s license is really expensive so I wasn’t sure what my future had in store for me. And then Jesus decided that he wanted me to be a messenger for all of the disenfranchised people who do not have a voice and I guess you could say, I answered the call.
Sorryless: Boy, that really resonates with me because I know that as a white man living in this country, it has been one hell of a struggle!
Greene: I hear you brother.
Sorryless: Wait . . a minute. Were you trying to impersonate Mary J. Blige just now?
Greene: Who’s she?
Sorryless: Sorry, she’s the other Mary. Anyway I gotta ask. Is there a special prayer you have to say to get an audience with Jesus? Some kind of religious equivalent to a cheat code that allows you to bypass all the regrettable shit you did before that life altering moment?
Greene: Well, you don’t actually see his face when you’re talking to him.
Sorryless: Oh, like Mickey Rourke . . .
Greene: It’s more like, you feel his spirit inside you and you’re consuming him but he’s also consuming you. As time passes, you are overcome with this feeling of euphoria and then you are powerless to light and music. It goes on for hours like that.
Sorryless: You just described the time I got wasted on Jack Daniels before going to see that Pink Floyd movie . . . to a tee.
Greene: Are you with CNN?
Sorryless: If I say yes, will that end the interview?
Greene: Get out!