We are hot on the tail of the troublesome ides of March, when the moon and the stars and the spirit of Caesar’s ghost come out to challenge that pain in the ass groundhog to a winner take all title fight for the rites to spring. So I decided to marry the Academy Awards to March Madness, since I didn’t shimmy to their gimme this year.
In lieu of the some somethings of gold and hardwood, I settled a few meddlesome debates that had been taking up residence in my brain once and for all now. And no, I won’t be discussing the Lebron vs Jordan debate since that was never a debate to begin with. Jordan wins!
Let’s get down with it . . .
Academy Awards Host: Bob Hope vs Billy Crystal
Imma place these two Hollywood icons at top of the list because their names are synonymous with the event; Hope hosted the Oscars 19 times to Crystal’s 9. The next closest celebrity in terms of appearances is Johnny Carson with 5, so there’s that.
Hope and Crystal are Emcee Squared.
Honestly, this is sort of like pitting the Yankees against the Dodgers, because there ain’t a wrong answer. For yours truly however, there is a right answer and it’s Crystal. He made the thing his job, practicing months in advance for the big night, and it showed. And whereas Hope oftentimes shared the hosting duties with other luminaries, Crystal went solo every turn. And in an age where comedic dialogue was becoming infinitely more complicated, Crystal never once stepped on a mine. He was old school meeting present day and he always framed the evening perfectly.
Winner: Crystal
Best late seventies debate that wasn’t: Rock vs Disco
I loved them both, but the truth of the matter is there wasn’t much debate outside of the pockets of dead heads who were simply looking to pick a fight with disco lovers. I loved to point out how Bowie and Pink Floyd, among many others, incorporated plenty of disco into their rock classics.
Winner: Both
Best Super Bowl bet: Miami Dolphins vs Dallas Cowboys
I chose these two since they’re so adept at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Over the past quarter century, these franchises have gone from gold standards to snake-bitten also rans. And . . . stop me if you’ve heard this one: They’re chic picks to make the Super Bowl next season.
Before this week, Dallas was looking at 16-1 odds to make it to Vegas for Super Bowl 58 while Miami was at 35-1. But whereas the ‘Boys have to knock out the NFC Champion Eagles, the Dolphins will be facing a Bills team that very well may have peaked. Beyond that, Dallas has a much easier road to Vegas if they beat Balboa, and I don’t care. Because I think the Dolphins are going to clinch home field, and I think they’re going to go against the script this year and actually win it all.
Winner: Miami Dolphins
Best Pizza: Chicago Deep Dish vs a New York slice
There was a period of time when I actually switched allegiances to the deep dish after discovering Edwardo’s Natural. Their spinach pie is still one of my favorite foods, like . . ever. But if we’re talking pizza and not a casserole dish, it has to be New York. Add to that the fact that Edwardo’s was the only pizza joint I really frequented in Chicagoland. In New York, my pie chart had many branches to choose from.
Winner: A New York slice
Best James Bond: Sean Connery vs the field
It’s one hell of a field to be sure, with such marquee fashion plates as Roger Moore, David Niven and Pierce Brosnan. But I’m bringing a different perspective to this debate since I never cared for the franchise until Daniel Craig made the scene. All Craig did was turn Bond into Jack Bauer with a much more impressive wardrobe. Apologies to Connery fans but this one was easy for me.
Winner: The field (Craig)
Best Chicken Sammie: Popeyes vs Chick-fil-A
For transparency sake, I should let you know I boycotted Chick-fil-A for good after Dan Cathy publicly condemned same sex marriage before the 2012 national election. He can believe whatever he wants, but it was wrong to air that shit out, especially when your company serves everyone, gay people included.
That said, Chick-fil-A makes a hell of a sandwich and yes, I found the loophole to my boycott by partaking on someone else’s dime, which I have done three or four times since my self instituted boycott. And I would be plenty fine choosing them if I felt their sammie was the best, but here’s the thing. Their nuggets are way better than their sandwich. Popeyes wins this one rather easily because their selection is a better crunch and a way more delicious munch.
Winner: Popeyes
Best President Ever: Lincoln vs Trump
That is my way of saying I’ve run out of shit to debate with myself. My apologies to Honest Abe and common sense.
Winner: Stupid people everywhere
Be Sorry . . . Less 