Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner: Das Reboot

The club dining room at Mar-A-Lago is opulence on crack; gold leaf trim adorns every loose corner and cornice. Painted frescoes drape every wall. Persian rugs swim snugly along the floor and million dollar chandeliers float above the space as if silent witnesses to the grandiose pomposity of its owner. Tucked behind a velvet rope so as not to be bothered by club members, former president Donald Trump, Kanye West and white supremacist and Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes dine together. As we catch up with the terrible trio, Trump and Ye are embroiled in a heated conversation about a chillingly dystopian scenario. 

Trump: You can’t run for office! There is no way in hell the American people are going to vote for a reality show celebrity who says crazy, hateful shit. Hashtag DISASTER!

Ye: It worked for you! Once!

Trump: Fake rebuttal Ye! I was winning in a landslide in 2020 until they kept counting the votes. Totally illegal!

Fuentes: Boy, boys, boys . . . you’re carrying on like a room full of Jew lawyers! And Ye, our Leader is right about winning the last election. I was at the Capitol on January 6th and every single person I talked to agreed that it was stolen.

Trump: And there were millions of Americans there that day, but the liberal media wouldn’t show THAT. My people tell me there were 75 million fans in Washington that day! How many votes you think Sleepy Joe got?

Ye: Not 75 million?

Fuentes: It was reported Biden got 81 million but after you take into account the ballot stuffing, the twice counted votes, the dead people votes, the immigrant votes and all the lost votes for Trump, it was more like twelve thousand votes for Biden.

Ye: I ain’t here to stir up no shit, Boss. I’m fighting the same brainwashing socialist devil worshippers you are! All I’m saying is we should be working together. Hell, I’m Nikola Tesla, Jeff Bezos and Elvis all wrapped up in one mighty mutha! What if we ran as Co-Presidents? You take the Oval Office Monday through Friday and I’ll work it on weekends. I’ll turn the Lincoln Bedroom into a nightclub, I’ve been working on the plans.

Trump: Lincoln didn’t have a Co-President and I’m better than Lincoln so the answer is no. Maybe I can fit you in my Cabinet.

Fuentes: Well you know what they say Mr. President, the enemy of my enemy . . .

Ye:  . . Is a Jew!

The three crack up as the appetizer is served.

Ye: Is this what I think it is?

Trump: Chicken McNuggets.

Fuentes: The McNugget proves that whites know chicken.

Ye: I wanted to name my youngest McNugget but Kim wasn’t cool with it.

Trump: We raise our own McNuggets here at Mar-A-Lago. I have been assured it is a completely humane process, not that I asked!

Ye: But I thought they came from some kinda pink paste.

Fuentes: That’s the narrative the Jews and the media would have you believe, but it’s just not true. The McNugget comes from aborted chicks whose bloodlines were compromised by interbreeding. The poultry industry has an exclusive arrangement with McDonalds for this tainted but delicious product. The left has suppressed this information since the menu item was introduced in 1981 by creating this mythological pink paste. They would never admit that interbreeding is responsible for the downfall of mankind.

Ye: Damn, I wonder if that’s why my kids ain’t good at sports!

Fuentes: Your kids are an anomaly Ye, because interbreeding is usually a precursor to athletic prowess. It’s why I believe sports leagues should be abolished. They create the false impression that black people are superheroes while lining the pockets of the Jews who are only too happy to profit off this illusion.

Trump: Can you pass the honey mustard boat?

Ye: My man! How many McNuggets can you fit in your mouth at once!?

Trump: Fifty one. It’s a world record but they won’t recognize it! Just like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Fake Sciences refused to give me an Oscar for Home Alone 2! I have people come up to me all the time who say I’m a better actor than that Hanks guy. If I would have gone into acting, I would’ve been HUGE!

Fuentes: Hanks is a fallen Christian who sold his soul to the Jews, which is why he is exalted in Hollywood. They fall all over themselves when he plays a retard or a Jew.

Ye: My last manager was a retard and a Jew!

Trump: Hanks is completely overrated. He got paid not to talk in that Castaway movie!

Ye: I got paid not to talk by a lot of sponsors.

The main entrée arrives on a solid gold platter: Big Macs and French fries with a variety of milk shakes. Trump scarfs down the rest of the McNuggets before grabbing a couple plates worth of burgers and fries. 

Fuentes: How often do you eat like this?

Trump: Whenever I want a home cooked meal.

Ye: So who you gonna pick for your VP?

Trump: Marjorie is out, she’s too gassy. Sarah was dating her gardener, who’s Mexican, so I can’t take a chance with her. Boebert’s damaged goods with that whole foot fetish movie career she had going. I can’t understand what the hell that Herschel Walker is saying . . .  I’m suing De Sanctimonious for turning against me, Haley said something not so nice about me somewhere so I’ll probably sue her too, and I’m gonna murder Pence . . figuratively? Which one is that again?

Fuentes: It means not literal.

Trump: Oh, I mean literally.

Ye: What about that Kari Lake chick? She’s hot as fuuuu. . .

Trump: Voters think she lost . . she would just drag me down.

Ye: Hell, then Ima be on your short list the way it sounds!

Fuentes: What about me?

Trump: I don’t know you, (winking) remember?

Ye: Okay, how ’bout this? I’ll be your consiglieri, with the understanding that when you decide to step down I take over.

Trump: You might be onto something . . .

 

 

 

The Fuck It Post

I was never very good at swear jars or excusing my French, so it only makes sense that I write a post in which I celebrate one of my favorites words in the English language. So here then is my first (and probably last) post celebrating the word Fuck.

Because, why the fuck not? . . . .

• What in the unholiest of fucks . . . Is the world coming to when I read about a shooting outside of Nationals Park in Washington, and I’m not surprised in the least? The fans inside the stadium were another story, as they ran for their lives. And you can expect the San Diego Padres to make an appearance on my Heroes episode this week for what they did to help those fans.

• What the fuck . . . Was a Utah company thinking with their Lego-themed pistol kit? With the “Block 19” pistol kit, gun owners could use Lego blocks to create their own sights and designs on top of a Glock 19. The kit would have retailed for $600. Culper Precision pulled the product only after intense backlash (No fucking shit there was backlash!). But they did so reluctantly, and they blamed gun control advocates for overreacting. I don’t know about you, but I think that deserves yet another What the fuck.

• Where the fuck . . . Are Olympic athletes gonna go for some overtime play now that they can’t do the horizontal back at their village cribs? Officials have set up 18,000 cardboard beds, and while they’re sturdy enough for a single athlete, it might not hold up in the event of a doubles match. Which is what the suits are hoping for, seeing as how they want two weeks worth of competition rather than quarantining. But athletes are gonna be athletes, so I just hope there are more cardboard beds where those came from. Either that or . . umm . . grab some blankets and use the floor.

• Why the fuck . . . didn’t I check out this image after reading the story of a woman in Krakow who called animal welfare to report what looked like an iguana crawling up a tree in front of her house? When officers arrived on the scene, they learned that the creature in question wasn’t an iguana after all, but rather, a croissant. Now, when you simply read this account, your first thought is What the fuck? But then you Google the image and it tells a different tail. I mean, tale. Both. Which just goes to show, not all fucks are created equal.

• It’s about fucking time . . . A billionaire orbited space, now that Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos have done the deed. Sixty years to go eleven minutes, but hey, it still counts. And now that rich guys are walking all their space talk, can we please book passage for that fat schmuck down in Mar-a-Lago?

Welp, that’s a wrap, and if you made it this far, congratulations! For your trouble, I’ve included a short video all about my favorite word. And if you’re kind enough to leave a comment, feel free to substitute my favorite word with one of your own.

Hey, I’m that kind of fucking guy.