By Linds B.
I was determined. I had to push myself out of my shell. In my mind it was the only way I was going to move forward. So there I was, on my way to Portland to explore the west coast. Before my leaving, I had one final therapy appointment, to which I discussed my going to Oregon and I would be ringing in the new year without this job that had become my current hell, in a beautiful state with my amazing sister. I felt like I could take on the world, I had so much newfound confidence; I told myself as soon as I got home from my mini vacation I would instantly crack down and start looking for jobs, and for the time being, go back with my old job while I looked.
Before I knew it, I was on a plane to the other side of the country, which went surprisingly much smoother than I could have hoped for (with the exception of me being partially deaf upon arriving). My sister had picked me up, and I proceeded to have one of the best weeks of my life; I felt so free, everything was so new, and it was overall such an incredible experience. I finally wasn’t afraid to take risks, in my mind if I could do this, I could do anything. I had actually considered moving to Portland myself, starting over. At this point I find myself thinking about that a lot. The only downside would be leaving behind all of the people I love, but boy, a fresh start would be amazing.
Upon my return from Portland, I was sad, to say the least. I loved everything about being there, the atmosphere itself was generally more uplifting. However at this point, I needed to get my life sorted out in my current place of living before I went moving across the country. I still had so much work to do and I knew that. Balancing a relationship that I had indeed deemed myself ready for, I had to continue my journey forward in finding balance, which at this current time, I was getting a pretty good feel for. Is this what being a functional human felt like? Being able to do things without feeling nervous, or when you do get nervous, being able to talk yourself through it? It was so liberating to know that I’ve come so far, and after my return from Portland, I have since made a therapy appointment and have been doing exceptionally well. I remained off medication and continued on with my methods of calming and coping, all of which work wonderfully for me.
Even until this day, I know I will never not struggle with all of my illnesses, which I accept and embrace, and where they are part of me they do not define who I am. Where I am still on a journey to positivity, healthy mindsets and beneficial self-care, I will always look back at my experiences and cherish them, as difficult as they were; they helped shape me into the human I am today, and I am still learning things about myself and growing every day. So, to those of you who take the time to read my story, those of you just starting your journey, or those who are in the midst of your travels, please know that things will improve if you keep at it. The odds may seem stacked against you at this time but just remember there is always an end to such trying struggles.
Be kind to yourself, love yourself. You only get one life and I encourage you to make the most of it.
By Linds B.
Black coffee in hand,
A cigarette in her lips.
She leans her head back so lazily,
Letting the smoke escape from her mouth.
She produces a laugh due to the current conversation.
I watch her the whole time,
smiling right alongside her.
I don’t want to look at anything else.
I spend copious amounts of time trying to figure out how a human could be so perfect.
I still haven’t figured it out.
luckily . . .
I have a whole lifetime to figure it out.