Joe and Marco At The Movies!

I’d like to welcome you to our first movie review of 2023. I was able to get Joe Pesci to take some time away from his very busy schedule . . which includes tee times in Scottsdale and blowing his denture dough on the ponies . . .

Fuck you very much, Marco. For one thing, I ain’t gambled on the ponies in a month. And when I do, I win! For anotha, I only use golf clubs when negotiations hit a snag . . .

Wow, you’ve upgraded from aluminum bats! That’s some high brow shit you’re dealing up in the ‘boardroom’.

And if you got a problem with it, I can introduce you to my hybrid driver, ya stuttering prick.

No thanks Joe. Golf ain’t my bag, pun intended. But movies are, and we have a rather unusual entry this week. Skinamarink is the directorial debut for Canadian filmmaker Kyle Edward Ball. It was made on a skinny jeans budget of $15,000, most of which was raised through crowdfunding. And while I loved it? Joe . . . not so much.

Don’t forget to mention we got some spoilers Marco. I know how sensitive you get about that shit.

My little guy is growing up!

And what’s this crowdfunding about?

It’s like a grass roots online fundraiser where people donate whatever they feel like.

I know a guy who woulda leant him da money without all that aggravation. 

Yeah I’m pretty sure Ball didn’t want to be taking out a loan in which he was repaying the debt with certain of his body parts.

Whateva . . .

Enough of that, let’s get to what’s cooking. Joe, I cannot say enough good things about this movie, which pits me on the movie geek side of the ledger. It’s a polarizing film that people either loved or loathed. I happened to love it for its bare boned heft. It takes the mainstream paranormal movie and places it in a masterful reduction sauce the likes of which I do not believe I have ever experienced.

Well, if that means dis Ball guy robbed anyone who wasted their time with dis piece of shit of a movie, then I agree wholeheartedly. If a hundred closeup shots of Legos and an endless reel of cartoons that are older than me is your bag, then you probably don’t need to be sitting in the dark in the first place. You need stronger meds.

God forbid a filmmaker challenges you to put in some work! The nightmare scenario is something Ball honed for years on his YouTube channel, and he marries it to all those many things we still fear . . like the dark and strange noises and being completely helpless. And umm, what part of ‘experimental’ did you not understand?

Excuse me asshole, but I experimented plenty when I was younger. And it was WAY more enjoyable than this vomit on a stick.

That’s the whole enchilada man! Ball turns the paranormal genre on its head, both figuratively and literally. There’s no reliance on CGI or sound effects or big name talent. His story’s complexity is found in the simple things and that’s why it works. You have to be patient with this one, so I can see where the meaning escaped you.

Lemme tell you something pal, I am being plenty patient right now seeing as how your nose is still attached to your face.

May I remind you this humble little venture just surpassed $1 million at the box office, and it drops on the horror channel Shudder in February. That tells me lots of people are seeing it my way.

Oh yeah? Well that tells me there are a lot of mental patients walking around.

I give it four out of five stars with my only critique being the running time. Ball could’ve cut it down some, but really, I’m just nitpicking.

I give it a five . .

Wow Joe, you were pulling one over on me this entire time?!

No. I give it a five, as in you better have five drinks in you before you watch this crap. And you bettah keep right on drinking when it starts because if you’re lucky you’ll pass out and forget it ever happened. 

Well shit, Joe. Okay, next week we’ll review Poison Rose, starring John Travolta and Morgan Freeman. Spoiler alert, it’s simply bad acting. You can handle that, can’t you?

I’ll start drinking now, just in case.

Al Pacino Movie Review: Capone

When Marco called to ask me if I would be interested in doing a movie review, I asked him where it would it be published. There are a million different websites out there and it messes with my OCD, and I don’t even have OCD! Anyway, here’s how that conversation went.

Marc: The review will run on my blog, I call it Sorryless. 

Al: Wait, hold on a minute . . speak English! What’s a blog?

Marc: It’s a more casual and loosely defined website.

Al: You know . . Brando was loosely defined . .

Marc: It’s not like that, Al. I write everything from comedy to tragedy. I even do a weekly segment about heroes.

Al: I’m not interested in any kind of heroes stories . . ever since I was turned down for the role of Batman, anything to do with heroes . . bad taste in my mouth. Nothing personal, you understand . . but uh, yeah screw heroes.

Marc: No problem.

Al: Hey, you don’t think Beverly (D’Angelo) reads this blog crap, do you?

Marc: Like you, she probably has no blessed idea what a blog is.

Al: I’ll do it.

Marc: Oh, and Al? You can dish up the ‘FIAHHH!’ and ‘Hoo-ah!’ catch-phrases in liberal doses . . just saying.

Al: What am I? A monkey? Get out of here before I change my mind, you little asshole!

So that’s how I came to be here today. To do a movie review . . about a movie that is a royal piece of shit if you ask me. But I’m guessing I should have prefaced that opinion with a spoiler alert. Aaahh . . . fuck it, you only live once, right?

Okay, so it’s my professional opinion that the beginning of a movie is very important. I was always a stickler for a great start because I feel that a movie is like a football season. A great start sets the tone, unless you’re the New York Jets, in which case you’re going to suck regardless.

This movie, doesn’t start great.

Tom Hardy, who’s a sensational actor even if he’s a little bit of a prick, plays the lead role here. He looks like Capone alright, he sounds like Capone alright, but it doesn’t matter because he’s suffering from neurosyphilis, dementia and shitting his pants. Now maybe the last problem is a result of the other conditions, I dunno. What I do know is that I don’t want to think about Public Enemy Number One doing number two in bed. It’s humiliating!

All I’m saying is, when you make a movie about Capone as an invalid it’s like making a movie about Rocky Balboa playing Bingo in a retirement home. I mean, if they had paid Hardy by the word, he woulda taken home ten bucks! I haven’t seen this kind of mumbling performance since Matthew McConaughey in that True Detective show.

The movie is supposed to cover the last couple years of Capone’s life, when he’s living in Florida after he’s released from prison on account of his brain having turned into rice pudding. Of course, the Feds think it’s all an act. They think he has ten-million bucks stashed away somewhere so they have surveillance units spying on him. I can tell you this for a fact, that if you’re shitting your pants, it’s no act.

This movie is one big collection of hallucinations, from a fever dream sequence of the Valentine’s Day Massacre . . why botha?! . . to a series of wise guys he rubbed out who come back to visit him, to a crocodile that almost bites his crazy head off. I wasn’t sure whether the directors were going for Goodfellas or A Christmas Carol but it doesn’t matter because they fucked things up worse than Fredo.

The next time Marco has me review a film, he better give me a movie worth reviewing or I’ll threaten to take him fishing.

That should get his attention.

 

 

 

Joe And Marco At The Movies!

Marco: Welcome to yet another first here at Sorryless, as yours truly will sit on the aisle with the inimitable Joe Pesci to review the sequel to The Conjuring. It is the third movie in the series and the eighth movie in the Conjuring Universe. This sequel follows real life demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren’s involvement in a historic 1981 murder trial in which demonic possession was used as a defense . .

Joe: Wait one fucking minute! Those people was real? And they really used that defense in a murder trial?

Marco: Yeah pal, it was true life shit, I told you that while we were watching it, but you were too busy lip-schtupping that bottle of Chivas to listen. And hey . . before we go any further, let’s make sure to let our readers know this post contains spoilers.

Joe: A-fucking-gain with the spoilers, you stuttering prick? What is with the bug up your ass when it comes to spoilers? They KNOW we’re reviewing the movie! Whaddaya think they’re coming here to read about the World Cup? 

Marco: It’s just a courtesy, Joe.

Joe: Yeah, like da mints they leave in a bowl when you go up to pay your bill at a restaurant. And you know what that courtesy is full of? Shit. Literally, they did a study on it.

Marco: Thanks Dr. Fauci. So yes, in answer to your question, the Warrens were consultants in a murder investigation that took place in Connecticut.  They claimed that Arne Johnson was possessed by a demon when he stabbed his landlord twenty-two times.

Joe: Where . . . da fuck were the Warrens when I was on trial for allegedly murdering Jimmy “Nine Toes” Benedetti?

Marco: Refresh my memory on that one.

Joe: The prosecution claimed that I shot Jimmy thirty-five times. But they didn’t have a case!

Marco: Why’s that Joe?

Joe: Well, the alleged witness who saw me going in Jimmy’s place . . disappeared. And the other alleged witness who saw me leaving Jimmy’s place . . disappeared. And the other alleged witness who heard gunshots . .

Marco: Lemme guess, disappeared?

Joe: Bingo! No case. But it took a couple months to come to dat conclusion. I coulda used the demonic possession defense and been out in time for Christmas!

Marco: But you didn’t shoot Jimmy, right?

Joe: (Winking) Of course not. 

Marco: Before this movie review leads to a criminal investigation, why don’t you give my peeps a synopsis of the movie?

Joe: If by synopsis you mean why don’t I talk about the movie, sure. Whoa! What a novel fucking concept, you mope! And do me a favah, will ya? Stop with da French . . just ask me in plain English?

Marco: Actually, the origin of synopsis is Greek . .

Joe: I never heard Jimmy the Greek use that fucking word so shut the fuck up. Anyways, about this movie. It begins at this little kid’s birthday party where things get outta hand . . .

Marco: Joe, it wasn’t a birthday party, it was an exorcism.

Joe: What da fuck does it matter what it was? The family was a bunch of wackadoos and the kid was having a temper tantrum is all.

Marco: The Warrens were trying to exorcise the demon and Arne called for it to enter his body.

Joe: Oh, you mean da guy with that nut-job defense. Yeah . . yeah, I remember now. So this guy ends up stabbing his landlord. Oh . . sorry. .  the devil ends up stabbing his landlord twenty-two times. Holy shit, talk about being under the influence! So then the Warrens go to Massachusetts because there’s this chick that was also stabbed twenty-two times.

Marco: They believed it was a curse passed on through a witch’s totem, and they meet with a priest who had dealings with a satanic cult. It was their belief the curse was passed to the kid and then to Arne.

Joe: (Making a lewd gesture with his right hand) Rich white people will do anything to get outta trouble. So anyways, this Warren chick almost gets killed by her husband, which I thought was pretty realistic. Turns out, this demon gets around.

Marco: I take it you don’t believe in demonic possession?

Joe: Listen pal, the husband can blame it on Nixon for all I care.

Marco: You’re missing the point. The totem held certain powers, which is why they had to take it with them when they visited the altar where the rituals had been performed. They had to get rid of the evil. And that’s where they find the occultist responsible for the death of the young girl from Massachusetts. And that’s why the occultist paid the ultimate vig . . so the demon could move on, through her.

Joe: Is that what all the gymnastics was about? I haven’t seen a body twist and turn like that since I dated a Russian stripper.

Marco: Nonetheless, I found this movie to be utterly predictable. It followed the same tired possession flick formula. Boy meets demon, boy falls for demon . . demon ends up skipping town.

Joe: And the asshole with the possession defense got five years. Which ain’t horrible.

Marco: So . . how did Jimmy “Nine Toes” get his nickname?

Joe: He was a lousy dancer.

Joe Pesci Reviews Those Who Wish Me Dead

I was doing a stakeout of Bob Baffert’s place in Boca when Marco interrupted my business with a text. The asshole decided that was a good time to ask me if I wanted to do another movie review. His timing is worse than my first wife, who sent me a fax to tell me she was breaking up with me right before I went on trial in a double homicide case. No . . wait . . that was my first lawyer . . even worse!

So I called Marco and I asked him what movie he wanted me to watch for this oh so important movie review. You know what the ingrate says to me?

“I just watched Those Who Wish Me Dead and holy shit did it blow! You’ve GOT to review it for the blog!”

The balls on this guy! He wanted me to forget the fact I lost half a million clams because Bob Fucking Baffert decided to treat his horse like it was A-Rod . . . and instead . . watch a movie that is a complete waste of my time. And then he told me Angelina Jolie was in it, and I said okay. It’s probably for the best since that silver haired prick Baffert has better lawyers than I do.

Before I get started with this review, you should know I’m scoring it a perfect four out of four stars because Angelina Jolie is in it. And while Marco may be a stuttering prick, he was right about the flick. It really does blow, in spite of Angelina, who should win an Oscar, just for existing.

For Those Who Wish Me Dead is a movie title I can totally relate to, so points for that.

Okay, so in the first scene, Aiden Gillen and his associate pose as fire inspectors. When the lady of the house answers the door, they ask if her husband is home. When she says yes, they tell her that the house may have a gas leak and they ask if they can check it out. It’s the oldest trick in the book, and it works like a charm, every time. Trust me on that.

So once dat guy is outta da picture, we learn there is another guy who needs to be quieted because of some top secret shit. This fellow is what they call a forensic accountant, which in laymen’s terms means bad news for guys like us. He knows they’re after him so he skips town but of course they find him, but his kid gets away.

That’s when we get to meet Angelina, who plays a smoke jumper named Hannah Faber in this buttfuck of a town in Montana. I was familiar with the term- smoke jumper-but my definition is much different and since Angelina is supposed to be one, I’m gonna stick with my definition. Anyway, Hannah has a lot of guilt because she fucked up and and some kids died in a wildfire because of it. So she drinks whiskey and jumps out of flat bed trucks for fun in order to bury the pain. I really love that.

Jon Bernthal plays a Sheriff who basically just takes scenes away from Angelina, because his wife actually inflicts more damage on the two villains than he does. Fucking Sheriffs, it’s always the same thing with those guys!

So this kid who just lost his father runs into Hannah in the forest and holy fucking shit if that isn’t every twelve-year old boy’s wildest dream! I mean, if my old man woulda had to get offed for me to meet up with Angelina in the woods? I’m sorry Pop, but I ain’t gonna be twelve forever, yanno?

The ending is predictable shit. The bad guys get killed, the good guys win and Angelina is the only reason this movie wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Oh yeah . . I’m supposed to tell you there are spoilers in this post.

Da End

 

Joe Pesci Movie Review: Siberia

So I gotta start by saying what the fuck?! Keanu Reeves is a Canadian? I mean, when in the fuck did that happen? Because when I watched him in dose Matrix flicks, he was an American. And that movie about the bus where he ends up banging Sandra Bullock at the end? Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was an American in that one too . . .

Anyways, Marco asked me to do a movie review for Siberia, and it’s about time he asked me back . . da stupid prick! But he wasn’t doing me any favors as things turned out, because this movie was a more worthless piece of shit than my Uncle Tony.

Things start out okay, because here I was thinking it was a John Wick movie where someone kills his dog at the beginning and then he ends up taking out half of Russia. But no, this ain’t that. At all. It’s . . . what would Marco call it? It’s got more of that nuance shit that he eats up . . that I happen to find more pointless than patchouli, but be that as it may. I kept watching because I’m an asshole or something . .

Reeves plays a diamond merchant named Lucas who travels to Russia, because da guy can’t find a movie role that doesn’t involve fucking Russians. He’s in St. Petersburg . . . da other St. Petersburg, where he’s supposed ta hook up with this degenerate named Pyotr. But the guy ain’t nowhere to be found.

So now . . there’s this Russian gangster, which is fucking redundant since every Russian I ever met is a gangster. His name is Boris . . again, redundant. And he’s pissed ya see? Because Lucas, the dumb prick, got screwed ovah by Pyotr and so he aint’ got da diamonds . . and now Boris is gonna cut his balls off if he doesn’t fix this shit. Again . . redundant.

Lucas goes to Siberia to find this Pyotr douche bag. His first night there, he gets in a fight with some Russians that doesn’t go well, because he’s no John Wick. This hot numbah of a waitress named Katya, of fucking course, tells Lucas that her broda thinks they’re sleeping together so get this . . she asks him to bang her. Which he does because he’s not a total schmuck.

And dat’s it! Da rest of this fucking movie is Lucas looking for Pyotr and him banging Katya. Oh yeah, da wife of this Lucas guy? Molly fucking Ringwald . . . and I had no idea! Because you see her like once, and then she’s like, well go bang dis Russian chick if that’s what you wanna do, ya stuttering prick, see if I care! So Lucas bangs her . . like twenty times over the next howah. Evidently, he’s looking ta see if maybe this chick tucked the diamonds up her ass or something.

So Lucas’s trip to Siberia consists of banging Katya and going bear hunting with the guys who kicked his ass earlier in the movie. Fucking genius . . . I mean, who da fuck goes bear hunting with Russians . . outside of Dick Cheney?! And at some point, he finds out that Pyotr fucked him over and sold the diamonds.

Later on, Lucas decides to sell Boris some fake diamonds while wearing a wire because he figures it’s the only way he’s getting out of Russia. Of course, the only good ideas dis guy has are coming from his other head. He does end up finding Pyotr . . dead on a toilet. No diamonds . . .

In da last scene, Lucas gets into a shootout with a piece of shit rifle and somehow is able to kill all the guys who are afta him . . except the one guy he shoulda killed first, because he ends up killing Lucas. Which means he ain’t gonna be banging Katya for da hundredth time inside an howah and a half . .

Thank God

 

Joe Peschi Movie Review: Life of Pi

I was interested in this movie da minute someone told me there was a Bengal tiger in it. I’m pretty sure they used those computer hieroglyphics instead of a real Bengal tiger, but it looked real enough to make me shit my pants when he was swinging those razor clubs.

As for the story, it begins with this family that has a zoo. Which is some really cool shit, to own a zoo, but the father is really humble and serious about it. My old man owned IBM stock and we never heard the end of it! So anyways, this zoo family has to move and get this . . they take the fucking zoo with em . . on a ship! I shit you not, it’s the craziest family story since we found out my Uncle was dressing up like my Aunt.

So they’re on this ship when they run into a big fucking storm, and the storm wins. The ship goes down, taking the zoo and this skinny little asshole kid’s family with it. The fucking thing goes down in like two minutes, which just goes to show you how much money they wasted on that Titanic movie.

The skinny little asshole kid gets lucky when he finds a lifeboat. Only it turns out he ain’t so lucky because there’s a coyote and an orangutang on the lifeboat with him. The Zebra’s cool, but I’m gonna warn you ahead of time not to make the same mistake I made by staring at him for too long. I got dizzy as fuck!. Thank God I smuggled my bottle of Chivas in with me, because that settled my stomach.

Things don’t work out so good for the Zebra, or the coyote or the orangutang either. So it’s the kid and the Bengal tiger, which is about as fair a fight as Elton John and Mike Tyson. Of course, this is Hollywood so we’re supposed to believe the skinny little asshole kid survives when in real life, he woulda been dinner. And if that isn’t ridiculous enough, the kid calls him Richard Parker, as if this is going to make the tiger think twice about eating him, yanno?

Outta nowhere, they introduce another ridiculous story line when their boat lands on an island. But of course it’s not an island like the one Tom Hanks was on in that movie where he never got to marry the chick he was banging. No, this island eats people. Which just goes to show that writers can fuck up a glass of water if you let em. These imbeciles have a Bengal tiger . . who eats everything, but nope . . let’s create an island that eats everything. What the fuck!

So they get the fuck outta there but these two are in some deep shit. The Bengal tiger has lost more weight than one of em Hollywood wives and it wouldn’t even help if he did eat the kid, who’s all skin and bones anyway. They finally make it to shore and the tiger gets outta the boat and just walks into the jungle without so much as telling the kid to kiss his ass. When the kid is rescued, he starts crying because the tiger didn’t say goodbye. Can you imagine the balls on this kid? Gimme a fuckin’ break.

Next thing I know, this Indian guy is talking to some white guy in his living room. It turns out, the zoo animals were really people and this wackadoo made up the whole ridiculous fucking story. And so he asks the white guy which story he prefers- the one with animals or the one with people. Of fucking course he says the better story is the one with the tiger. No shit Sherlock. The Indian guy thanks him and says “And so it goes with God,”.

As if God had anything to do with this flick.

 

At the Movies! (Totally, Shamelessly Unauthorized Edition)

January is God’s way of saying, “I got nothing,”.

It’s a month in which people trash their resolutions, pen resignation letters that never see the light of day, and sign up for overpriced online dating sites in spite of the fact Craigslist is free. For yours truly, I like to keep it simple. I use the cavernous din of thirty one days to binge watch. TV shows, documentaries, movies, and that Live PD show I’ve been checking out . . . on demand. (I know it defeats the purpose, but that’s what the fast forward button is for).

My latest menu offerings consist of Boardwalk Empire- in which my interest has waned sufficiently that I’m pretty sure I ain’t making it through the entire five seasons. Hemlock Grove on Netflix is another story. I switched out Stranger Things a couple episodes into Season 2 for this Eli Roth joint, and I’m hooked. As for docs, An Apology for Elephants, The Cheshire Murders and David Bowie: The Last Five Years are worth a look if you ain’t down with the winter blues.

As far as movies go, I’m not married to a particular genre, so my cinematic grab bag consists of amazing thrill rides, guilty pleasures and the “I’m two hours closer to death,” forgettable. Shit if that doesn’t describe my love life as well, but whatevs. Since misery loves company, Imma deal up a quick shot review on the last five movies I’ve seen. Four cable flicks and one theater going experience.

Apologies to Siskel and Ebert ahead of time . . .

The Circle- My quick thoughts? Meh. Tom Hanks’s amalgamated characterization of a fictional mogul (Bezos/Gates/Jobs) was effective if not standout through no fault of his own. Emma Watson played the role of damsel in George Orwell’s court with the requisite naivete. Her disillusionment as per her ‘dream job’ doesn’t follow the predictable path in that there are no high speed car chases or heroic rescues, and for that I guess I am thankful. Methinks The Circle oversimplified things, but when you only got a couple hours to tell a tale like this, it happens.

Logan- Thanks to the OG for this one. We’re used to our superheroes being snarky (Tony Stark), sexy (Bruce Wayne) beasts (Thor). So what of the inevitable? Yanno . . the sands of the hour glass? What happens when these mythological characters are no longer young and beautiful? What happens when mortality taps on their shoulder and lets ’em know their time is coming to an end? This was that story, and I was digging it.

Count me ALL IN on the Halloween reboot set to hit theaters this October. I know, I know . . . the entertainment world is beating the ever loving shit out of the reboot. Original story lines have become damn near impossible to come by anymore. But . . . here’s a reboot I never get tired of. You got Nick Castle reprising his role as Michael Myers, forty years later, instantly becoming my newest hero. You got the master John Carpenter acting as a creative consigliere. And you got Jamie Lee Curtis returning as Laurie Strode. When asked how writers David Gordon Green and Danny McBride plan on explaining Laurie Strode’s return after Myers threw her off a building in Resurrection, Carpenter had a brilliant response. “It picks up after the first one and it pretends that none of the others were made,”. Works for me!

Keeping up with the Joneses- This is one of those movies I put on when I’m working on stuff and I need some background noise. The only reason I chose this flick over busy working to my favorite lines in Pulp Fiction is because Gal Gadot was in it. Which is why I’m giving the film four stars out of five. Because Gal Gadot was in it. Which is why I am never going to be mistaken for a movie critic.

Hacksaw Ridge- Quite simply, brilliant. This is a story about standing behind your convictions in the face of blistering opposition and not giving an inch. It’s a love story, a war story and a true story. The battle scenes are grotesquely real and the acting is superb all the way around. And Vince Vaughn can be serious, and he’s actually very good at it. Who knew?

The Shape of Water- A stylized monster movie with an old time feel AND Michael Shannon doing his thing? Sold! It wasn’t del Toro’s best, but so what? His magical ability to create fictional worlds we can step inside of makes him one of the best in the business. And Shannon is perhaps the most intense human being to ever grace the silver screen. He’s the Russell Westbrook of movies in that he is always going a hundred miles an hour.

I’ve reconsidered that apology I made to Siskel and Ebert earlier. Because while I may have vandalized the art of cinematic review, it’s not like I’m the only one doing it these days. And besides, those dudes don’t need no stinking apologies. They’re in a much better place, where January ain’t no thing, every seat is an aisle seat and Lauren Bacall is letting that glorious purr out to play every night.

Lucky bastards.