If You Come From The Future, Keep It To Yourself

I dig talking about time travel. Probably because I think the day and age I live inside of doesn’t necessarily fit me. It’s as if I was dropped in the wrong cosmic mailbox and I’m simpling my Simon in a search for answers that are always gonna escape me.

That said, I wouldn’t want to be a time traveler. Sure the change of scenery might do me good, but I’m not loving my chances of convincing the people back there that I come from another time. It works in the movies since the characters only have an hour and a half to work with before the credits roll. But in reality? You best keep your chronological zip code to yourself.

Just imagine you were dropped off on a curb in the year 2000 with nearly a quarter century head start. And all you gotta do is convince those peeps that our gangster’s paradise by the dashboard light is, in fact, some true shit.

Buena suerte trying to get them to believe in all of this . . or even some of this . . or hell, any of this.

  • The World Trade Center is gone
  • Joe Paterno was fired in a child rape scandal involving his assistant
  • A device named the iPhone will run people’s lives
  • And that device? Will have many friends
  • The Boston Red Sox will win the World Series . .  four times
  • The New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl . . six times
  • Even crazier than those two? The Cubs win one as well!
  • OJ Simpson is lame sauce in our current news cycle
  • “America’s Dad” Bill Cosby is a convicted rapist
  • Blockbuster is long gone but Netflix is still here
  • Oh yeah, lemme explain streaming services . . .
  • . . . and Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and TikTok
  • Roe v Wade was overturned. No, I’m totally serious
  • Eminem won an Oscar
  • The Harry Potter craze had legs
  • And don’t even get me started on Star Wars
  • A virus will bring the world to its knees in 2020
  • There are 20 K-Marts still standing in the US
  • But K-Mart playlists are alive and well on YouTube
  • Oh yeah . . about YouTube . . .
  • Music has gone digital, although some diehards still do vinyl
  • Books too, although some diehards still do the real thing
  • Newspapers are still popular, for housebreaking puppies
  • Landlines are still popular, in Pittsburgh
  • Everyone has a laptop
  • It’s easier to win the lottery than it is to find a water fountain . . .
  • . . pay phone, toll booth attendant or newspaper vending machine
  • Tom Cruise. Still an action star
  • Crypto is the new televangelism. So is politics
  • Ozzie Osbourne. Still kicking
  • Zombies are box office
  • Oh yeah, and Donald Trump was President. That too

See what I mean? I gave y’all a small sample size and it doesn’t matter because there is still way too much bite and way too little chew with which to make sense of it all. Because those elusive answers to those pesky questions ain’t looking to be found.

The cosmos uses invisible ink.