Remember when the nightly news resided in a half-hour timeslot preceding The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson? Welp, if you don’t, then I highly suggest you fire up your TikTok page and get to stepping, because this version of The Rundown probably isn’t gonna be to your liking.
See, Imma give a quick what to the week’s what. No trending or canceling and just a smattering of OMG. This isn’t to say it wont be dope with a side of Gucci, seeing as how I am nothing if not evolved(ish).
And now, heeeeeere’s the roster!
In the world of politics this week . . .
Marjorie Taylor Greene didn’t utter a single, solitary stupid shit thing. Authorities will look into the possibility she may have been the victim of foul play sometime next year. President Biden assured the world that leveling more sanctions on Putin will not achieve a single objective at this point. He then asked for verification that he had, in fact, said that out loud. And in a recent poll, more than eighty-five percent of Americans believe their country’s current standing in the world is disturbingly similar to a country western song.
Madison Cawthorn made sure he would become the story this week when he referred to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky as a “thug” and his government as “incredibly evil”. Meanwhile, Zelensky and his people struggle to remain above ground, figuratively and literally in the wake of Russia’s advance.
You don’t want us to fall in love with someone else’s world leader, even in the wake of the horrible trials that have befallen his people? Okay, it’s prudent to be wary of a foreign leader’s daily business. And no, we shouldn’t ramp up troop involvement considering all those complicated red buttons Putin has at the ready. But to proclaim that woke ideologies are to blame for all those civilian deaths isn’t provocative wordplay on Cawthorn’s part. It’s simply a small minded attempt at directing the narrative away from the carnage whilst never minding Donald Trump’s own past dealings with Zelensky. Cawthorn was right about some of the misinformation coming out of the Ukraine but it’s ironic that he fancies himself an arbiter of such untruths. After all, his idol and some of his peers know a thing or two about misinformation.
And one more thing, Mr. Cawthorn. Show some respect for the dead and suffering.
In business . . .
Gas prices rose another seven cents this week to a national average of $4.32 a gallon. And I promised myself that if Gronkowski-like spikes push that average over five bucks, Imma sell my ride, buy a horse and pick up smoking again. Because those methods will prove less maddening than presiding over satanic rituals every time I pull up to the pump.
McDonald’s closed up shop in Russia temporarily in the wake of increasing pressure to do so. The fast food giant turned out the lights in 850 restaurants across the country, thirty two years removed from its initial venture into Moscow. The golden arches will return because the truth is, burgers (and not bombs) are the sneaky secret saucy secret to spreading democracy (Read heart disease and apathy) around the world.
In sports . . .
Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Calvin Ridley was banned from play for the entire 2022 season after it was discovered that he wagered on NFL games- including his own team- last season. Ridley stepped away from the sport in October in order to deal with his mental health. And there’s no better way to get your head right than by losing money to the Lions blowing the spread! Ridley’s actions leave Commissioner Goodell with a huge matzo ball to swallow; seeing how it was only five short years ago that he vowed to keep legalized gambling out of his league. Now he’s in bed with the books and now a high profile player’s been busted and now? It’s only a matter of time before the league is rocked with a game-fixing scandal that would make Arnold Rothstein proud.
Finally! Our long national nightmare is over now that Aaron Rodgers will be returning to the Packers next season. He’ll play for legacy, love of the game and the honor of being one of the all-time greats, and he’s ditching the drama . . . and okay, I just spit up my coffee.
Meanwhile the Denver Broncos were like, Our bae was in Seattle all this time, bitches! The Denver Buyers Club scored its latest Hall of Fame signal caller when they removed Russell Wilson from the witness protection program otherwise known as the Seattle Seahawks. And while I’m not sold on Denver’s chances to win it all, Wilson’s presence gives the AFC West perhaps the richest neighborhood of quarterbacks in the history of the league with the young guns Mahomes and Herbert duking it out with Hall worthy vets Carr and Wilson.
Oh yeah, and the MLB lockout is over. I celebrated by watching the Sixers/Nets game last night.
Marco At the Movie Review: Steven Spielberg’s reboot of West Side Story is ambitious in its detail and more polished than its cinematic predecessor. But that’s exactly why it falls short of the original. Because as with most works of art, the grittiness of the ’61 standard bearer happens to possess the kind of soul that just cannot be replicated. All that to say, I loved this version very much. I love it for its flow, for its abiding hat tips and I love that it stars the dynamic as ever Rita Moreno. But what I love most of all is that when you break it down, it’s that same classic tale of love and loss, with dreams of one more tonight.
And now a quick look at weather across the nation this week . . .
Temps across the central plains were so warm that if you own a beer distributor, you’ll be good to book that vacation to someplace even warmer. There was snow for the peeps living in the central and northern Rockies, or should I say more snow. And if you plan on making light of all that snow, you best reside at a safe distance from their collective right hooks.
Until next week, good night and good luck!