This Too Shall Trespass

We’re never going to learn.

We’ve been locked into these regrettable coordinates ever since the internet got way too big for its britches and decided to ditch the belt for a pair of suspenders. After which the information that prevailed became less super and more highway. Social media became less social. Bad ideas became normalized conceits.

We have become exceedingly greedy in our on-demandedness, to the point where the black and white nature of information has been relegated to the dead file; replaced with an angular permutation that has little give but mucho take. But that’s what happens when people parse information in order to win arguments rather than progress.

I watched two worlds collide this week following the blowback from Harrison Butker’s commencement speech challenge to party like it’s 1899. And predictably, it was gloriously stupid.

Most people weren’t familiar with Butker until he showed up at Benedictine College and began railing on about abortion rights, Pride Month, Covid-19 lockdowns, diversity and inclusion. That’s because up until that moment, he was a placekicker for the Kansas City Chiefs and as such, could have been easily mistaken for Patrick Mahomes’ equipment manager.

Want a top five list of Butker’s keynote highlights? Sure why not . . .

• The Holy Ghost doesn’t wear a Pride shirt
• Bishops have become less effective than Dallas Cowboys ownership
• Who needs vaccines when you’ve got sacraments?
• Women are being fed diabolical lies. And not just by Cosmo.
• Oh yeah, and a woman’s place is in the home. Got it ladies?

Obviously, I took some artistic license with his speech because there’s only so much Jesus talk I can take before I hit the yada button. Unlike social media, I’m not into vilifying someone when making fun of them is so much more enjoyable. And for the record, that last thought was all Butker because I’m not suicidal.

Of course the internets got all up in their feelings about this speech, which usually means that somebody is gonna get clipped, like in a mob flick. Only the internets won’t murder them the way they do in a mob flick because that wouldn’t be ugly enough.

Never mind that the nuns of Benedictine (Sounds like a BritBox series, doesn’t it?) denounced Butker’s speech as being too divisive. Nope, that wasn’t going to stem the tide of Butker bashers. There were calls to fine him, and to fine him really hard. Some insisted that he be suspended, but they didn’t specify from which church steeple or for how long. But the cake was taken by those disembodied voices who said he should be fired.

That’s where high met noon. Because that’s when the fabricated rage of social media’s spineless echo chamber met the blind arrogance of religious rhetoric. How else to explain how one man’s narrow minded view of the world could be turned into a crime against half of humanity?

As far as I’m concerned, there’s no side to side with on this. I think Butker is little more than a pious pimp, but the online world is doing him all the favors by making him so much more relevant than he deserves to be.

Butker was doing little more than selling on a campus that happens to buy it. The fact that he believes rights are conditional, gay people are degenerates and women should work hard for their degrees so they can hang them in their nurseries is unfortunate. But it ain’t nothing that hasn’t been said a million times before. He gained no new ground, brokered no peaceable alternatives because . . religion!

Likewise, shame on the social media mouths who demanded the Chiefs fire their kicker for saying something they disagreed with. Their secular smiting is selectively stupid because it wishes to punish words while leaving deeds unchecked. How else to account for all those NFL players who dabble in shit like domestic abuse whilst still drawing NFL paychecks? Should hurt feelings count for more than hurt people? Should I reserve all my pissed and vinegar chips for a guy hopped up on Jesus juice instead?

It’s why we’ll never learn.