Still Frank: April ’23

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Although this post is a day off, Imma asked me to take a break from Beach Walk Reflections and pitch in with some random thoughts about the ongoing month and the new one. Thanks to Marc for the space.

March provided the Oscars, more storms in California, accelerated Russian bombing of Ukraine, Russian-China leaders meeting, TikTok debate, French protesting retirement age, banks collapse, March Madness, vinyl records outselling CDs for the first time since 1987, Nashville school shooting, protests in Israel, a highly-publicized indictment, and politicians saying stupid shit.

March deaths included a jazz trombonist, a disability rights activist, Baretta, an Alou brother (not named Boog Powell), an NFL Hall of Fame coach, a politician & feminist activist, a John Wick actor, a basketball Hall of Famer, and people dying from gun violence, natural disasters, and war.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on

In case you missed it, here are a few March headline gems from The Onion:

  • Woman Gives Friend A Call On Way Home To Take Mind Off Dangerous Road Conditions
  • Grim Reaper Slows Pace On Sidewalk So As Not To Freak Out Woman Walking Ahead Of Him
  • Ragged Houseplant Drags Itself Over Expanse Of Living Room Floor In Search Of Water
  • Scientists Create Mice From Two Dads
  • Rose Petal Fished Out From Between Ass Cheeks
  • Weird Little Hat Not Even Religious

Try the Combo Challenge. By using only the words in the above headlines, create your headline, then share it in your comment. My combo appears later in this post.

I give The Onion credit for this slide show of great tips about responding to trick questions cops ask.

Did you know?: Julia Davis Chandler is credited with inventing the peanut butter and jelly sandwich

FYI: The average American eats 1500 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches by the time they are 18 years old.

This is what creative people do when they have too much available time.

Because today starts a new month, it’s time for an overview of some of the celebrations April offers. For a complete list of April celebrations, click here.

Month-long celebrations include adopting ferrets and greyhounds, fresh Florida tomatoes, global astronomy, holy humor, jazz appreciation, Twit Awards, straw hats, and STDs.

A month to increase your awareness about alcohol, autism, beavers, distracted driving, world habitats, Parkinson’s, and stress.

Weekly toasts include Golden Rule (1-7), Laugh at Work (1-7), Robotics (8-16), Satchmo Days (13-16), Cleaning for a Reason (18-24), Fiddler’s Frolic (20-23), Mule Days (23-28), and the Interstate Mullet Toss (28-30).

Day celebrations include peanut butter & jelly (2nd), rats (4th), Charlie the Tuna (6th), beer (7th), Louie Louie (11th), licorice (12th), dolphins (14th), blah blah blah (17th), macaroni (22nd), tapirs (27th), grilled cheese (29th), and Bugs Bunny (30th)

For a complete list of April celebrations, click here.

April Moons: Full (6th), New (20th)

My Combo: Weird grim reaper drags two dangerous dads between ass cheeks

To take you into April, here’s the Godfather of Soul ….. Happy St. Stupid Day and Pillow Fight Day! I’m out of here.

Still Searching For That Better Place

Nashville school shooting updates: 3 kids, 3 adults killed; female suspect dead - ABC News

“It may well be that we will have to repent in this generation. Not merely for the vitriolic words and the violent actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people who sit around and say, “Wait on time.” –Martin Luther King

We were eighty-six days into the latest mean season when a twenty-eight year old Nashville woman walked into a private Christian grade school, armed with two assault rifles and a handgun and gave God the rest of the day off.

By late Monday afternoon, six more souls went missing to the world as the result of gun violence; three adults and three children who ran out of time while our elected representatives waste ours with shrugs and more excuses. And they’ll ignore the fact that on the eighty-sixth day of the calendar year, this was the eighty-ninth instance of gun violence in a K through 12 school. Which means we have two-thirds of the year left with which to break the wrong kinds of records.

Gun violence is the thing we do best.

You go numb to the prospects after a while. Each new horror simply replaces the last as we say the same damn things and write the same damn words and arrive at the same damn nowhere place. Again and again and again into this furious silence of a void so maddeningly deep with loss that if we were to get a clue tomorrow, it would be too late. Hell, we are long past wondering if and when the next lost calendar day will happen. Now, we expect it.

There have now been 129 mass shootings in the US in 2023, and the timing of it all is bad luck for the victims thus far and the ones yet to come. Because less than a year and a half from what promises to be the most contentious of presidential elections in our nation’s history, what are the chances that meaningful legislation can be passed to close loopholes and ban assault rifles? If you’re looking for any kind of change to our business as usual agenda, don’t hold your breath.

I sometimes wonder if there is a better place out there after all of this comes to an end. I like to think there is, because the idea that this world is as good as it gets feels unseemly. And it’s not because we’re a hopeless, murderous lot, far from it. No, it’s unseemly because the great majority of us engender peaceable solutions to hopeless situations all the time, and yet we are resigned to murderous outcomes all the time as well. The latest of which came yesterday, and now I’m thinking that if there is a better place, I would give up my seat if it meant that one of those souls found it. I wouldn’t be doing it out of a sense of guilt or anger. I wouldn’t even be doing it because I said the same damn things and I wrote the same damn things. I would give up my seat because the thought of doing so fills me with the one thing this world doesn’t seem to have enough of.



Baseball Trivia ’22

Baseball season is underway, so Imma asked me to come to the plate with a pinch-hit grand salami with a bit of baseball trivia. It’s a bit long, but hey – have some fun with it!

The answers are below the closing background music, so you may want to write down your answers. If you want some background music, click the music video below. All music is from The Natural.

Part 1: Where?

Multiple Choice (answers used only once, not all answers used): Candlestick Park, Comiskey Park, Fenway Park, Forbes Field, Fulton County Stadium, Griffith Stadium, Polo Grounds, Riverfront Stadium, Tiger Stadium, Yankee Stadium

In what stadium did the event occur?

1-1 Willie Mays over-the-shoulder catch in deep center of a Vic Wertz drive.
1-2 Don Larson’s World Series perfect game.
1-3 Reggie Jackson’s monstrous homerun off the light tower in an All-Star game.
1-4 Mickey Mantles 565-foot homerun.
1-5 Hank Aaron’s homer number 714 tying Babe Ruth.
1-6 Hosted baseball’s first All-Star game.
1-7 Wind blows pitcher Stu Miller off the mound in an All-Star game.

Photo by Tim Gouw on

Part 2: Where? Again

Multiple Choice: (answers used only once, not all answers used): Cincinnati, Cleveland, Detroit, Milwaukee, New York, Minneapolis, Montreal, Philadelphia, Seattle, St. Louis, Toronto

In what city is the old stadium located?

2-1 Baker Bowl
2-2 Briggs Stadium
2-3 County Stadium
2-4 Exhibition Stadium
2-5 Griffith Stadium
2-6 Hilltop Park
2-7 Jarry Park
2-8 League Park
2-9 Sick’s Stadium
2-10 Sportsman’s Park

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Part 3: More Where?

In what stadium would you find the following?

Multiple Choice: (answers used only once, not all answers used): Alameda County Stadium, Astrodome, Crosley Field, Ebbets Field, Fulton County Stadium, LA Coliseum, Municipal Stadium, Polo Grounds, Veteran’s Stadium, Wrigley Field

3-1 Chief Noc-a-homa
3-2 Grounds crew in spacesuits
3-3 Harvey the mechanical rabbit bringing baseballs to the umpire
3-4 Hilda Chester ringing a cowbell
3-5 Moon shots
3-6 The Bull Ring
3-7 Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance home field
3-8 Visitors bullpen in left-center field (in play)

Photo by Pixabay on

Part 4: I Can’t Get Enough Where (Click?)

Identify the city linked to these franchises.

Multiple Choice: (answers used only once, not all answers used): Boston, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Houston, New York, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Seattle

4-1 Beaneaters
4-2 Colt 45s
4-3 Highlanders
4-4 Redlegs
4-5 Pilots
4-6 Spiders

Photo by Wendy Wei on

Part 5: Miscellaneous

5-1 True/False – Ken Griffey Jr (last played in 2008) is the Reds third highest-paid player in 2023.

5-2 Name the Padre pitcher who served up Pete Rose’s hit to become the all-time leader in hits. (Choices: Andy Hawkins, Dave Dravecky, Eric Show, Goose Gossage, LaMarr Hoyt)

5-3 Name the player who broke up the most no-hitters with a homerun. (Hint: 81 times)

5-4 Name the two cities where former major league stadiums are now college football stadiums.

5-5 He (a Hall of Famer) threw three shutouts in four days.

5-6 Name the pitcher with the most career wins that never won the Cy Young Award.

5-7 Name the four Alou brothers who played in the majors.

1-1 Polo Grounds (Mays catch)
1-2 Yankee Stadium (Larson’s Series perfect game)
1-3 Tiger Stadium (Reggie’s HR)
1-4 Griffith Stadium (Mantle’s HR)
1-5 Riverfront Stadium (Aaron’s HR)
1-6 Comiskey Park (first All-Star game)
1-7 Candlestick Park (Wind blowing Stu Miller off the mound)

2-1 Baker Bowl (Philadelphia)
2-2 Briggs Stadium (Detroit)
2-3 County Stadium (Milwaukee)
2-4 Exhibition Stadium (Toronto)
2-5 Griffith Stadium (Washinton)
2-6 Hilltop Park (New York)
2-7 Jarry Park (Montreal)
2-8 League Park (Cleveland)
2-9 Sick’s Stadium (Seattle)
2-10 Sportsman’s Park (St. Louis)

3-1 Chief Noc-a-homa – Fulton County Stadium (Atlanta)
3-2 Grounds crew in spacesuits – Astrodome (Houston)
3-3 Harvey the mechanical rabbit bringing baseballs to the umpire (Municipal Stadium – Kansas City) Hello – Charlie Finley anyone?
3-4 Hilda Chester ringing a cowbell – Ebbets Field (Brooklyn)
3-5 Moon shots (Wally Moon HRs at the LA Coliseum)
3-6 The Bull Ring – Veteran’s Stadium (Philadelphia)
3-7 Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance home field – Wrigley Field (Chicago)
3-8 Visitors bullpen in left-center field – Polo Grounds (New York)

4-1 Boston Beaneaters
4-2 Houston Colt 45s
4-3 New York Highlanders
4-4 Cincinnati Redlegs
4-5 Seattle Pilots
4-6 Cleveland Spiders

5-1 TRUE – Junor Griffey is the Reds’ third highest-paid player in 2023 Click?
5-2 Eric Show served up Pete Rose’s hit
5-3 Rickey Henderson broke up the most no-hitters with 81 leadoff HRs
5-4 Two baseball now used for college football: LA Coliseum (Dodgers & USC) & Boston’s Brave’s Field is now BU’s Nickerson Field
5-5 Walter “The Big Train” Johnson threw 3 shutouts in 4 days.
5-6 Cy Young (511 wins) never won his own award Click?
5-7 Four Alou brothers: Felipe, Jesus, Matty, and Boog Powell (wouldn’t you change your name if it was Boog Alou?) Click?

The Rundown

A Carl's Jr. drive-through menu is partially buried in a huge snowbank.

It’s hard to believe the Ides of March are quickly giving way to those April showers. Which, I’m good with just so long as it’s rain we’re talking about and not, well . . . that stuff! 

This Carl’s Jr in Mammoth Lakes, California is open for business, I think. But you best have a snowplow and a hell of a craving for burgers if you plan on doing the drive-thru. This surreal looking snowbank was made possible by several big storms and an atmospheric river event, which is every bit as frightening as it sounds. Imagine a river, in the sky. They call these events “the hurricanes of the West Coast”, and it makes for a great excuse to go on that diet you’ve been putting off.

Hey, why don’t we get to kicking it?!

Highlights: Shohei Ohtani leads Japan to dramatic WBC win over United States

The Shohei Kid Strikes Again!- I didn’t watch a lick of the World Baseball Classic and yet I love how things worked out. It was going to suck if Club USA didn’t bring the title belt home- especially after embarrassing Cuba in the semis- but it sucks a whole lot less when the best player in the MLB authored the finale. Because the truth of the matter is, Shohei Ohtani might belong to Japan, but his talents are a gift to every single baseball fan. The Shohei Kid struck out his California Angels teammate Mike Trout to clinch Japan’s third WBC title in a storybook showdown Kinsella might have penned. All Ohtani did was bat .435 while pitching to a 1.86 ERA, which earned him MVP honors for the tournament. Just when you think this kid can’t outdo what he’s already done, he does just that.

Biden is going to Canada: Ukraine is among the topics of negotiations with Trudeau - News Yu

Joe’s “To Do” List While Visiting Canada- 

1- Ukraine
2- Climate Change
3- Migration
4- Haiti
5- Poutine
6- Forget items 1 through 5

The Offer: Release date, cast, plot and trailer | Marca

I’m Gonna Make You An Offer You Shouldn’t Refuse- Because if you have the Paramount+ streaming service, you should really do yourself a favor and check out The Offer. It’s the story of how one of the great movies of all time got- pardon the pun- made. It stars Miles Teller as Albert Ruddy, the producer of The Godfather and a name I never knew in spite of having watched this masterpiece a hundred times. Juno Temple, Giovanni Ribisi, Justin Chambers, Colin Hanks, Burn Gorman, Anthony Ippolito, Jake Cannavale, Dan Fogler and Patrick Gallo all deserve way more than a mention, but that would require an entire post. Matthew Goode as the hall of fame studio executive Robert Evans is simply the cannoli on top of one hell of a fun show.

The FTC wants to ban those tough-to-cancel gym and cable subscriptions | The proposed 'click to cancel' rule would require companies to let you cancel a membership in as many steps as

Breaking Up Just Became Easier To Do- The Federal Trade Commission got something right this week when it brought the hammer down on companies who make it difficult for consumers to ditch them. So now when your gym decides to play hardball with the cancellation process (And please name me a gym that hasn’t pulled that shit?), there’ll be weighty financial repercussions. Same for music services or streaming platforms or basically any product that makes breaking up the hardest part. The “Click to Cancel” provision would make it just as easy for consumers to say I don’t as it is to say I do.

Reos que escaparon de cárcel en Virginia cavaron túnel con cepillo de dientes; fueron capturados desayunando en IHOP - El Diario NY

Dear Coen Brothers, Get to Work!- John Garza and Arley Nemo pulled off the great escape from a Virginia prison on Monday only to get Shawshanked hours later in, of all places, an IHOP! Construction of the medium-security facility is being called into question after these two broke out using a heavily modified toothbrush. You could say the prison had some, cavities. They rooted a canal to freedom and then got nabbed at an establishment that specializes in, you guessed it, more cavities! And now they’re facing a whole new collection of charges so I guess they’re going to have to grin and bear it. Okay . . . I’ll stop now.

College wrestler injured saving teammate from bear attack

The Best Friend Ever Award Goes to . . . – You know you have found a best friend when they will bring the shovel and lime when you call them in the middle of the night with an urgent plea to help get rid of a body. But that’s nothing compared to what Kendall Cummings did for his pal Brady Lowry. And I mean that.

The boys were out on a hike with some friends on the Bobcat-Houlihan Trail, which runs along the outskirts of Yellowstone Park. And yeah, you already know this story is leading to an encounter with a big fanged creature because . . that photograph! In this instance, the creature in question was a mama grizzly. As Leo DiCaprio will attest, grizzly encounters are the worst kind of cupcake party because the human is always the cupcake in this equation.

One minute Brady Lowry was turning to warn his friend not to step in some bear scat and the next minute the poor kid was in danger of becoming bear scat. The grizzly knocked Brady a dozen yards in the air, after which she began “dribbling” him like a basketball. Now if it was me witnessing this gruesome encounter, I would have been back at the car writing Brady’s obituary. But Kendall Cummings wasn’t having it. The college wrestler, get this, actually jumped on a mama grizzly to distract her after she had pinned his friend against a tree. Then he took off and ran as fast as he could, which ain’t as fast as a grizzly can run so it was only a matter of seconds before she caught up with him and gave him a most gruesome round of what’s what. He played dead, which was becoming less and less difficult with every swipe until the bear lost interest. After which he made his way back to his friends. I can only assume they made plans to move to a state with no bears.

Kendall had this to say when asked about the horrific ordeal. “I would have rather died than have gotten away and known I could have helped,”

That right there? It’s the best of us.



The Latest Call To Harms

The point of no return? Oh, we passed it a while ago. . .

I’m old enough to remember the good old days when people were getting in fistfights over toilet paper. At least that old fashioned bare-knuckled brawl with our mortality possessed tangible evidence that the world was falling apart at the seams.

Today all we get are rumors of the apocalypse, delivered to us in piecemeal by myriad news agencies, the Twitterati and a whole bunch of independent contractors whose journalistic integrity accepts Venmo. We’re the  consumers of a gross tonnage worth of uneducated guesswork that buries the lead because in the Bradburian Era, it’s more important to chase those trending trophies than the true shit. We’re anesthetized to the worst possible scenarios by now, so while North Korea stands on a stepstool to announce to the world that 800,000 of its favorite sons have signed up to fight the United States, all that really matters are those ballistics tests they’ve been conducting for the past forty-years under two dollar store regimes. And yet, that forgettable parody of Kim Jong Un starring James Franco and Seth Rogen got more press than the nuclear arsenal he’s packing in real time.

Meanwhile in Kasha-ville, we’ve been waiting for the next iron shoe to drop for so long that it feels less like a global catastrophe and more like a Kardashian divorce at this point. Putin’s war in Ukraine exemplifies the Negan Rules of Diplomacy: Attack first and punish indefinitely. But we’re bored with all of that here in the states, so we turned Ukraine into a political football. When pressed to name a crime Putin has committed during his Soviet remodeling job, most Americans would reference that video of him without a shirt.

Reading the news these days is akin to vaping in that you’re doing an immense disservice to your health. But that’s okay, because we have become expert at normalizing the seriously bad shit, or better yet, pretending it never happened in the first place!

Take our former president (No, I’m serious. Can someone please take him?). The expectation is that he will be indicted tomorrow by the Manhattan DA’s office. The charges involve a hush money payment made to former adult movie star Stormy Daniels in return for her silence regarding an alleged affair with Trump. All this happened ahead of the 2016 election.

Let’s face it, Trump ain’t going down for an infringement of campaign finance laws. But he’s already using the hell out of this indictment by calling it an “arrest” in order to chum the water. He’ll get his button men like McCarthy and Jordan to transform this into a political witch hunt and he’ll have his adversaries squirming too, since the GOP still runs on Florida time.

Trump won in 2016 because he pilfered a rudderless political party and he gamed a sick political system. Those who voted for him formed a collective beta reading group as a means of retrofitting our past so it would jibe with their warped narrative. Those who voted against him brandished their ideological swords in order to detonate our past, never stopping to consider all the lessons that will go missing as a result.

Missing, like the one word that is missing from the statement he posted on his website last week . . . .


His pejorative was showing when he left peaceful out of the equation, because he knows exactly what he’s doing. Here’s a guy who has convinced his people that the January 6th riot at the Capitol never happened.

What’s to stop him from stealing the peace?


Trading Shots At The Last Dance Saloon

Having made my thoughts on March Madness crystal clarion, I met with some resistance from the hardwood posse. They Luca’ed my Brasi on the matter by refuting my faluting with the kind of trash talk that gets my Hemi humming; all cheek, no meek. Buried in the vitriolic wreckage, however, was a genuine misconception about my opinion of college basketball in general and their postseason tournament in particular.

I don’t hate it.

There was a time when I actually loved the stuff. And then progress transformed the sport from a Gene Hackman matinee to a Gene Simmons midnight rager. Where rosters once went five deep, now most clubs are lucky if they have two all-stars, and they’re even luckier if they get two seasons out of them. The talent pool is dispersed like never before thanks to cable deals that expand the number of destination campuses exponentially. There’s also the matter of NIL, which allows highly sought after recruits to create their own brands rather than build their professional equity on the shoulders of a big brand school. And let’s face it, the lure of next level dinero is hard to pass up if your comps are collecting NBA paychecks. It can be argued, and I’ve heard these arguments all week long, that the sport is more interesting this way. And maybe it’s true . . . but not enough for me to tune in.

Nonetheless, I have taken the pushback to heart and so, for the haters, Imma extend an olive branch. Sort of.

Here then is my bracket for March Madness 2023, hot on the heels of my office pool win last year. (Editors Note: My office pool win last year followed the Congressional blueprint of total guesswork and dumb luck). I filled that fucker out the way George Santos fills out his resume, so anyone who uses my choices for the purpose of wagering? Well, you must really hate your money.

My bracket works a little differently from all these big name, overhyped prognosticators out there in that I have automatically deleted more than half the field because I feel like sixty-eight candidates is ridiculous. This ain’t the GOP presidential field, people!

Some of the more prominent names I kicked to the curb? Sure why not . . .

Alabama– If you ain’t up on this awful story about how society values wins and losses more than it does human life, read this piece by Candace Buckner.

Purdue- I recognize this name for chicken, not hoops.

Kansas- I prefer the rock and roll band.

Houston- The Astros call it home, so nope.

Okay, so the top seeds are out in my ball breaking bracket busting scenario but I’m not simply ganging up on goliaths here. There are several lesser regarded clubs I can’t be down with either. Like Iona, because that’s what you name a kid you can’t stand. And Drake, whose songs possess as much appeal as root canal. Oral Roberts reminds me that televangelism was the father of ‘QAnon and Indiana is the mother of Bobby Knight and . . and . .  KentuckyTennessee and Arkansas are a bunch of kissing cousins who keep the cheap beer industry going.

Teams I dig include . . .

Furman- Because I’m sure OJ doesn’t have them in his bracket. See what I did there?

Charleston- Alumni include Darius Rucker, Art Shell, Lauren Hutton and Stephen Colbert. Plus, they are home to the River Dogs. Sold!

Creighton- This happens to be the name of the love child I had with Vera Farmiga back in the eighties. Oh shit . . I said that out loud?

Colgate- Nine out of ten dentists surveyed have this school in their brackets.

Grand Canyon- I loved the movie with Kevin Kline and Danny Glover.

Miami- Duhhhh!

Kennesaw State- Mark Twain would’ve picked them. I’m sure of it.

As for my Final Four prediction, in the Thelonious Monk bracket . . .

I’m going with Georgetown even though they ain’t in the dance. Because I’m old enough to remember when they were a fixture in the tourney with the legendary John Thompson. The Hoyas will face off against Duke: the 1990-92 editions who were delightful villains and my favorite college teams ever. Obviously, they ain’t in the dance either so I’m putting them there.

In the Michael Jordan Is The Goat bracket . . .

The Pittsburgh Pythons might be a fictional professional basketball team from the 1979 flick The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh but so what? With the great Julius Erving in the role of Moses Guthrie, the team turns to astrology in a last ditch effort to save the moribund franchise. They change their name to Pisces and make a title run. Top that Jim Nantz! The Pythons will go against the Miami Hurricanes, because this is MY bracket and my dream scenario. I realize there isn’t much chance that a bunch of college kids are going to beat Julius Erving in his prime, but hey, that’s why they play the games, right?

As for crowning a champion, I tossed with calling it a tie since I love all four contestants but that would be entirely unrealistic. So Imma go with my Hurricanes to ring in April with their first ever hoops title. Their magical run proves such an inspiration that the Heat also make an improbable run to the title. After which the Dolphins make it a hometown trifecta by winning the Super Bowl, and the Marlins? Are in attendance!

Welp, I sincerely hope this will serve as an apology to any college basketball fans I may have offended. And as an added bonus, this post doubles as a drinking game: For every ridiculous prediction, shot! Please make sure to drink responsibly . .

. . .ish.






And The Award Goes To . . . Madness!

We are hot on the tail of the troublesome ides of March, when the moon and the stars and the spirit of Caesar’s ghost come out to challenge that pain in the ass groundhog to a winner take all title fight for the rites to spring. So I decided to marry the Academy Awards to March Madness, since I didn’t shimmy to their gimme this year.

In lieu of the some somethings of gold and hardwood, I settled a few meddlesome debates that had been taking up residence in my brain once and for all now. And no, I won’t be discussing the Lebron vs Jordan debate since that was never a debate to begin with. Jordan wins!

Let’s get down with it . . .

Academy Awards Host: Bob Hope vs Billy Crystal

Imma place these two Hollywood icons at top of the list because their names are synonymous with the event; Hope hosted the Oscars 19 times to Crystal’s 9. The next closest celebrity in terms of appearances is Johnny Carson with 5, so there’s that.

Hope and Crystal are Emcee Squared.

Honestly, this is sort of like pitting the Yankees against the Dodgers, because there ain’t a wrong answer. For yours truly however, there is a right answer and it’s Crystal. He made the thing his job, practicing months in advance for the big night, and it showed. And whereas Hope oftentimes shared the hosting duties with other luminaries, Crystal went solo every turn. And in an age where comedic dialogue was becoming infinitely more complicated, Crystal never once stepped on a mine. He was old school meeting present day and he always framed the evening perfectly.

Winner: Crystal

Best late seventies debate that wasn’t: Rock vs Disco

I loved them both, but the truth of the matter is there wasn’t much debate outside of the pockets of dead heads who were simply looking to pick a fight with disco lovers. I loved to point out how Bowie and Pink Floyd, among many others, incorporated plenty of disco into their rock classics.

Winner: Both

Best Super Bowl bet: Miami Dolphins vs Dallas Cowboys

I chose these two since they’re so adept at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Over the past quarter century, these franchises have gone from gold standards to snake-bitten also rans. And . . . stop me if you’ve heard this one: They’re chic picks to make the Super Bowl next season.

Before this week, Dallas was looking at 16-1 odds to make it to Vegas for Super Bowl 58 while Miami was at 35-1. But whereas the ‘Boys have to knock out the NFC Champion Eagles, the Dolphins will be facing a Bills team that very well may have peaked. Beyond that, Dallas has a much easier road to Vegas if they beat Balboa, and I don’t care. Because I think the Dolphins are going to clinch home field, and I think they’re going to go against the script this year and actually win it all.

Winner: Miami Dolphins

Best Pizza: Chicago Deep Dish vs a New York slice

There was a period of time when I actually switched allegiances to the deep dish after discovering Edwardo’s Natural. Their spinach pie is still one of my favorite foods, like . . ever. But if we’re talking pizza and not a casserole dish, it has to be New York. Add to that the fact that Edwardo’s was the only pizza joint I really frequented in Chicagoland. In New York, my pie chart had many branches to choose from.

Winner: A New York slice

Best James Bond: Sean Connery vs the field

It’s one hell of a field to be sure, with such marquee fashion plates as Roger Moore, David Niven and Pierce Brosnan. But I’m bringing a different perspective to this debate since I never cared for the franchise until Daniel Craig made the scene. All Craig did was turn Bond into Jack Bauer with a much more impressive wardrobe. Apologies to Connery fans but this one was easy for me.

Winner: The field (Craig)

Best Chicken Sammie: Popeyes vs Chick-fil-A

For transparency sake, I should let you know I boycotted Chick-fil-A for good after Dan Cathy publicly condemned same sex marriage before the 2012 national election. He can believe whatever he wants, but it was wrong to air that shit out, especially when your company serves everyone, gay people included.

That said, Chick-fil-A makes a hell of a sandwich and yes, I found the loophole to my boycott by partaking on someone else’s dime, which I have done three or four times since my self instituted boycott. And I would be plenty fine choosing them if I felt their sammie was the best, but here’s the thing. Their nuggets are way better than their sandwich. Popeyes wins this one rather easily because their selection is a better crunch and a way more delicious munch.

Winner: Popeyes

Best President Ever: Lincoln vs Trump

That is my way of saying I’ve run out of shit to debate with myself. My apologies to Honest Abe and common sense.

Winner: Stupid people everywhere