Marco and Joe Break the News . . . Beyond Repair!

Coming to you live from the Sorryless Studios in Hoboken, New Jersey, it’s time for all the news that’s print in fits. Fair? Decidedly Not. Balanced? Depends on the time of day.

Good morning, this is Marco . .

And this is Joe . . .

We start in New York City where student protesters refused to honor the  deadline set by the administration of Columbia University for clearing their encampment. Protestors are demanding that Israel cease its oppression of the Palestinian people so that Palestine’s rulers can get back to doing the job themselves.

Current President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump will get back to da campaign trail this week. The GOP challenger has rallies planned in Wisconsin, Michigan and New Jersey while da president will speak in Delaware. Trump is expected to begin his standup routine with some new material, which will include a reference to ‘President Bobblehead’. He will also be offering a signed copy of the Bible for anyone who isn’t afraid of going to hell. Meanwhile, President Biden is expected to share his favorite Netflix shows. 

With the NFL draft in the books, experts have taken to grading each team’s selections, which is an even bigger waste of time than the leadup to the draft. Nevertheless, Caleb Williams of the Bears scored an A in most corners while the Atlanta Falcons selection of Michael Penix Jr. received a failing grade. In lieu of a grade, I am predicting that New York Giants receiver Malik Nabers will be the first player to be arrested on a gun charge. Raiders tight end Brock Bowers will come out as a vegan. And Vikings quarterback J.J. McCarthy will claim that he was Amish in another life.

(Nicky Santoro Straight Up!)

The S&P 500 rose 16 points to 5,116.17. This was fresh off da heels of Wall Street’s best week since last November . . I mean, what da fuck took ’em so long! The Dow Jones and Nasdaq hopped on the party bus as well. A third of all companies on the S&P will announce their profits this week. Earnings have been stronger than expected to this point and I’ll be sending Elon Musk a bottle of Chivas because he kinda saved my ass. It wasn’t all cupcakes and happy horse shit for yours truly, however. Me and my financial advisor had words. Or should I say, I had words with my financial advisor. Enjoy da short video!

A new study by the European Society of Cardiology reports that people in the habit of climbing stairs had a 39% lower likelihood of death from heart disease compared to those who didn’t climb stairs. Stair climbers also had a lower risk of heart attacks and strokes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m taking my bottle of wine and my cigar and hitting the steps!

And to close things out, I have a heartwarming tale of fishing, friendship, Bigfoot . . . and murder. 

Larry Doil Sanders was found guilty last week of strangling his fishing buddy Jimmy Knighten in July of 2022. Sanders argued it was self-defense, claiming that his friend was planning on offering Sanders as a sacrifice to Bigfoot. Here to tell us his side of the story is Larry Sanders, who is serving time in an Oklahoma prison while awaiting his sentence. 

Sanders- I have to clarify, I witnessed three sasquatch-like figures standing by the river and my friend Jimmy seemed to be communicating with them.

Joe- Ya think maybe you were communicating with some hallucinogens right before you put Jimmy in a chokehold?

Sanders- I have never interacted with aliens.

Joe- I meant drugs, genius.

Sanders- I was not under the influence at the time, no.

Joe- So dis was just some good old fashioned stupid then?

Sanders- Jimmy was staring at these figures and mumbling to himself. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, it sounded like a foreign language.

Joe- That’s not a defense, yanno. My former associate, Johnny Knuckles used to mumble to himself and he actually was speaking in a foreign language. It didn’t give me the right to kill him and stuff him in a . . . okay that’s a bad example, forget I said anything.

Sanders- I would never have harmed Jimmy if I didn’t believe my life was in danger. He was my best friend. We went four-wheeling and hunting, we would drink beer around a bonfire . . .

Joe- You’se guys are keeping Old Milwaukee in business, which is a crime in itself.

Sanders- We only drank Keystone Premium.

Joe- Of course. I mean, it’s not like you need your colon.

Sanders- That was Jimmy’s line, how’d you know?

Joe- It says you and Jimmy were noodling. Sounds gay.

Sanders- Noodling is when you fish for catfish using only your bare hands and feet.

Joe- I realize times is tough but you couldn’t pick up a fishing pole at Dollar General?

Sanders- Joe I want to be clear, I have never had sex with a man.

Joe- That’s about to change, pal.

Don Henley- Dirty Laundry