So You Want To Be An Outlaw: From The Archives

I was digging through the archives when I found this puppy from when I was blogging over at Drinks Well With Others and figured why not? Editors Note: I take zero responsibility in the event you were to use this post in the commission of a crime. But if said crime is successful and you wish to donate to my 2028 presidential run, let’s talk!

The idea of being on the run is interesting as all get out when Harrison Ford is doing the running. Steve McQueen dressed it up just fine too, what with his super charged vehicles from a time when Motor City was the Roman Empire of kick ass growl.

Personally, I couldn’t pull it off. Being an outlaw and a cat owner are mutually exclusive undertakings. And besides, hygiene is a big deal with me. I’d go bat shit crazy wondering where- and more importantly, when my next shower was coming.

Most Americans would be outlaws (my opinion) if not for the obvious pitfalls that come with the job. While getting shot at makes you feel tough, this feeling is mitigated by the idea that yanno, you might actually get shot. And being arrested is an incredibly traumatic experience, even for those with plenty of experience- like pro athletes. If you survive the ordeal, there’s trial, prison and if you’re really lucky, a Walmart greeters job waiting for you on the other side.

This isn’t to say there aren’t some nice perks to being an outlaw. Like, you don’t have to floss, or take out the trash, or worry about bills. And you won’t have to sweat jury duty ever again. Although you might have to sweat a jury trial, which is just as painful.

Outlaw Do’s

-Punch A-Rod in the face
-Go Robin Hood . . in 5G
-Sleep with Kathy Griffin
-YouTube the hell out of yourself

If you really have your heart set on being an outlaw, go strong. High profile is preferable to hiding out in fleabag hotels, eating microwave pizza and ending up a blurb in the police log of your local paper. As a high profile outlaw, your ass is gazpacho when the fuzz catches up with you, but this is preferable to what your ass will become if you went to prison.

Outlaw Don’ts 

-Apologize for punching A-Rod
-Text. Outlaws don’t do anything that may involve an lol
-Eat ice cream. The frilly flavors, the spoons . . no
-Say ‘Woo hoo!’ or ‘Yee haw!’

Inside the living daylights, you’re going to have a fan base that would make the Dallas Cowboys envious since Americans love a rebel who gives the establishment a mucho gusto middle finger. Be forewarned, this love is short lived. On Monday you’re gonna be captivating. On Wednesday they’re gonna raise a toast to you . . and on Friday night? Let’s just say your name is gonna be all the rage nine months hence. But come Sunday morning, they’ll be saying “Why the fuck haven’t they killed this guy yet!?” Yes, your existence will be akin to a creme filled donut; loved into hate, precipitously like that.

Cars . . .

Minivans and electric cars need not apply. The great thing about being an outlaw is that if you don’t own a cool ride, you can just steal one. You’re an outlaw! Go American and you will go lead story on Fox News. While not the coolest network, it is the most watched. A few outlaw must haves include the Stingray Corvette, Pontiac Firebird or the baddest girl at the bad ass ball . . the ’67 Shelby GT 500. Giddy? Meet up.

Clothes . . .

No suit and tie. Remember, you’re a rebel. And besides, you don’t have time to waste at the dry cleaners. No bolo ties or cowboy hats since it makes you look like you’re trying too hard. No sneakers or baseball caps since it makes you look like you’re not trying hard enough. Go with long sleeved collared shirts, solid colors. Take it down a button or two since you don’t want to look like a Mormon but no more than that since you don’t want to look like Burt Reynolds either. Jeans are the best bet but slacks are plenty fine, as long as you don’t try Dockers, in which case you deserve to be shot.

Places you don’t want to be caught dead in . . .

-Outside the Today Show
-Fast food drive thru’s
-Applebees
-A Mets game
-Any place that sells yogurt
-Build-A-Bear Workshop
-JC Penney (They sell Dockers)
-Chuck Norris’s lunchbox

Places you want to be caught dead in . . .

A saloon is very Clint Eastwood. A garish Miami mansion is very Tony Montana. And if you’re delusional enough to believe you will have a choice in where the Feds are going to cap your ass, read on.

Your best bet is a movie theater. Dillinger was the Rembrandt of fugitives, he just knew. Make your final destination an Art Deco joint, not one of those big box movie malls. As far as movie fare is concerned, Westerns and documentaries work just fine. No shoot ’em ups or car chase flicks since that’s redundant. Romance is a great way to go out, as long as Nicholas Sparks didn’t write it and Vince Vaughn didn’t star in it.

Well, that’s it. Best of luck to you when the rubber hits the road. And remember, you’re not alone in this. Even though you really, really are. Unless you were able to recruit a sidekick, in which case . . . HIGH FIVE! And color me envious. Shit, I can’t even get my friends to help me move.

Godspeed.

Advertisement