Horoscopes On A Budget!

 

Today’s Birthday, Gemini- Today is all about balance and taking chances. Sort of like that time you found yourself having sex in a kayak with your partner’s personal trainer. And as if that wasn’t stupid enough, you left your phone on record and then mistakenly sent a sex tape to your partner . . . and everyone else. Smooth. 

Anyways, today is gonna be different. Which is something you tell yourself after your tri-weekly hangover. Real growth can happen today, both in your personal and professional life. But really, any improvement to the train wreck you’re presiding over would have to be considered growth at this point. 

Be sure to exercise caution when it comes to financial decisions. I realize who I’m talking to since you’re the same person who went all Steve Austin with Global Crossing back in the day. And that little investment you made in a polar bear petting zoo? That was messy. Instead, you should focus on communication and understanding.

Just make sure to keep your phone off.

 

First Draft Horoscopes- Aries

You have a keen sense of observation, but it doesn’t mean you get to peek on the neighbor across from you. You know who I’m talking about . . the one with twenty four pack abs? Who exercises in his briefs? And not for nothing, but hosting a Skype party and giving play by play is just a little bit over the top. But hey, you’re a highly creative thinker who loves to push the limits. But maybe it would be a good idea if you made sure those scary creative thoughts are . . yanno . . legal?

One of the first things people sense about you is how sincere you can be . . when you feel like being sincere. Which, come to think of it really isn’t the definition of sincere, is it? Never mind. But of course, it’s all about your quirky sense of humor, boundless charm and timeless sense of style. (When you cut me the check for that last sentence, make it payable to “Marco Loco”, por favor and gracias!).

You ain’t got time for labels, and no one can ever accuse you of being the kind of person to buy into such a thing. Unless the labels are attached to a bottle of something friendly. In that case, you make the bang worth your buck. It’s your unique nature that makes it damn near impossible to define you, but this doesn’t mean you get to skip out on the lunch tab just because you’re going to be late to the matinee.

An outgoing and assertive manner serves you well in poker pot squabbles, political arguments and bar fights. Your uncanny ability to swing a Louisville Slugger in the direction of a person’s unmentionables without missing does the rest. When it comes to serious thought, you’re quite adept. Only problem is, someone usually goes missing afterwards.

First Draft Horoscopes: Pisces

The sun is knocking on your door today, bringing you a much needed dose of physical and emotional vitality. Turns out, the sun is very much the flip side of your ex . .  who you will wind up wasting all this positive energy on when they call to wish you a happy birthday.

So for the next month, you have a cosmic ticket that . . if punched correctly, will help you focus on all the crazy brilliant plans and ideas you’ve been hatching when you were supposed to have been working. A relationship that lasts longer than a smoke break? Yeah, that would be a nice change.

Jupiter and Neptune are hooking up on Thursday and this might influence your entire week as a result. This may seem like great news, and on a cosmic level it really is. But literally speaking, the composition of these two planets will burn and suffocate you to death. Oh, and the fiery planet of Mars will be aligning with Uranus . . so lay off the spicy food this week.

Your career outlook actually looks promising right now. Okay, it looks decent . . . ish. Which is more than you deserve after the last three severance packages ended in painfully complicated refunds. And thank God for time served, huh?

But never mind all that because change is on the horizon and it’s up to you to make it new moon perfect. Or you could just turn that phone call from the ex into drinks . . and another go round . . and yet another identity in yet another shit bucket town. The choice is yours.

And that’s not helping matters.

 

First Draft Horoscopes- Capricorn

This is the year when you get in sync with friends and family. Like . . seriously. It’s going to matter to you this year, so brush up on names and new spouses by making a chart.

And not to sound like a greeting card, but can you try and keep some cheer in this new year? When the shit hits the fan, try and suppress your desire to shoot the fan . . . twelve times. The way you shot your ex twelve times when you found them in bed with someone else. Thank God your Uncle Sal has a soft spot for you and was able to rig the jury, but yanno . . he ain’t getting any younger so chill with the firearms?

Here’s a novel thought. Why not simply enjoy the company and wisdom of your posse, and while you’re at it, impart your wisdom on them as well. Or take them out to dinner once a month and don’t be a cheapskate with the friendly drinks. Either or.

Make vivaciousness your jam, just hold the histrionics. February might be a challenge when it comes to cash flow, but you can navigate the ebbs without skimming ATM’s for your cream and sugar. As for exercise, practice moderation and sensibility. No more staying out all night and then signing up for a marathon in the morning because “it was calling me,”. Just remember those EMT’s who were calling you away from the light when you didn’t make it out of mile three without collapsing, coo?

October will bring great challenges and worthwhile lessons . . so think jello shot contests and DUI checks and maybe practice some temperance for a change. November will bring increased responsibilities at work, unless that meme you posted about your boss on Facebook gets found.

This can be a magnificent year as long as you don’t fuck it up!

First Draft Horoscopes!

Hey Libra . . .

Adventure is always one of your main priorities, and when you add adult beverages, pain meds and gun toting romantic involvements to the mix, well . . let’s just say it’s only a matter of time before your ass lands on one of those NBC true story crime shows. Posthumously. Today, you might have your sights set on an adventure you’ve never tried before. Like maybe, staying home and reading a book. Or going to bed early. Or not involving yourself with someone who’s been incarcerated. Naaaaahhhhh!!!!

A normal person might find their bucket list moment on the side of a mountain, whereas you simply aim to land in the bucket. And really, what fun is traveling when you can engage in all manner of dangerous trysts in your own personal jungle story. Going around the world? Pffft! You did that the other night. Visiting the South Pacific? That too. Your social life would make Bukowski shudder.

Your one hundred and one different moods will set the tone, after which you’ll most likely burn down the house. Just remember not to touch that bail money savings account you started after the last episode, because you’re gonna need it seeing as how you’re down to three friends. And no, the arresting officer doesn’t count.

Remember that you only live once, because you’re already lived eight times. And you know what happens on the ninth hole, asshat.

First Draft Horoscopes- Virgo!

 

Your adventurous side might decide it wants to come out and play. So don’t make any appointments tomorrow, because your idea of adventure starts with gin and ends with bail. In fact, you should play it safe: Call in sick, order delivery for dinner and don’t answer your phone. Limit all human contact.

The stars insist you have a hidden talent for an activity other than sleeping with your secretary. Maybe you could try your hand at something extreme: White water rafting, mountain climbing, skydiving, bullfighting, alligator wrestling, rooting for the Orioles, trying convenience store sushi, or shoplifting at Cabela’s. Just be mindful that if you decide to skip with those waterproof thermals, you best have a getaway driver because Cabela’s team members shoot to kill. Those fuckers don’t play.

It’s also a good time to tackle new projects. Like maybe paying off one of your twenty eight credit cards. Maybe it’s time to return your next door neighbor’s prosthetic leg that you’ve been using as a doorstop. Learn how to open the hood of your car. Replace the artificial plants you placed around your house. Prune those middle fingers off the shrubs outside your front door. The sky’s the limit, homie.

First Draft Horoscopes- Leo

A change that is muy importante is taking place as we speak, so pay attention. It seems that the moon in Aries (another fire sign) is throwing down with Pluto. These are the kinds of details you will overlook, since you happen to think that astrology is the study of the rectum. Thing is, this battle could very well leave you stranded if you choose to ignore the warring signs. Yes, that was an astrology pun . . and no, you probably didn’t get it because you’re more clueless than a Seventh Day Adventist at Christmas mass.

The punchline to this internecine battle between Aries and Pluto is that you are supposed to watch out for control freaks. I’m figuring that maybe those signs didn’t get the memo about Leo, because if they had, they’d know that you come face to face with a control freak every time you look in the mirror. So maybe don’t look in the mirror today. Just kidding . . you can’t help yourself.

Alas, the forecast is not entirely gloom and doom. Mostly yeah, but not entirely. The moon does make a harmonious connection with your ruling planet, the Sun. It’s the astrological version of shagging, without the bottle of bub or the R&B cranked up for good measure. This connubial convergence of the cosmos should inspire you to be brave and to do something completely different along your path. And by different, we mean to say that maybe you can stop being so self involved. Try it on for size a couple minutes at a time and see how it feels. If it’s too painful, just go back to your regularly scheduled programming of being a selfish twit.

First Draft Horoscopes

The line between family and work life is doing more zigs and zags than David Cassidy on a traffic stop. If you ain’t down with metaphorical formulas, it means your business has a drinking problem. But hey, since you can’t seem to control yourself, maybe it’s high time you tried on your entrepreneurial hat! And you can use your family members to help you in your new venture. This clean slate will allow you to show off your remarkable skill set and your brilliant people skills as you shine in your new career!

Okay, who’re we kidding? You can filch their skills and personalities . . with the added bonus that you don’t have to pay ’em, cause they’re family!

This new lease on life might be just the tonic for your flagging spirit (Add gin for maximum entertainment value). You’ll find your ideas (theirs) will flow and your emotions will be very much available. Because there’s nothing like mixing business with family to bring out every last ounce of hostility. Seriously, you thought wine was a truth serum? Just you wait chappy, this shit is about to get realer than a Carly Simon love song.  Just be yourself, as shitty as the prospect might be. The rest will take care of itself, unfortunately.

Questions or concerns regarding your horoscope? Call 1-877-OHH-WELL. 

 

First Draft Horoscopes

Today’s Birthday: Gemini

A planetary configuration like today’s often makes people afraid to start anything that challenges their status quo. That’s because the planets are so misaligned, it looks like rush hour on the 405 up there. See, the idea is to stop traffic . . not sit in it. In spite of this cosmic sausage, you should aspire for greater heights in your professional life. Be a risk taker, even if it means telling your boss that his head is so far up his ass that it’s pushing on his belly button. And after he presents you with a pink slip, take your severance and hit Vegas. Because you already lost the girl, the house and the dog . . so why the fuck not? As Matthew Broderick once opined, there is a kind of freedom in being totally screwed. And so what if you’re not going to follow up that line of thinking with a successful career in acting whilst calling Sarah Jessica Parker your pillow pal?

Remember the saying there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Just kidding! You should be afraid . . very afraid.