The 4th-ish Annual Sorryless Super Bowl LV Preview?! (Results May Vary)

Myth-busting Patrick Mahomes vs. Tom Brady: The five worst Super Bowl 55 narratives for Chiefs-Buccaneers | Sporting News

In the week leading up to the big game, Tom Brady announces he’s a vampire, after which author Stephenie Meyer offers to write a three-part life story. The Chiefs file suit, claiming European products are superior to American made- thus giving Brady an unfair competitive advantage. The Bucs counter by asking for Mahomes to produce his birth certificate, claiming he is actually a Martian. The Chiefs quickly drop their suit as a result.

League news goes heavy metal throughout the week, with one standout headline after another.

  • Texans QB Deshaun Watson is traded to CBS where he will star in a reboot of a long running series on the network. When he asks which series it will be, his agent replies “It’s Elementary, my dear Watson,”
  • Aaron Rodgers announces he is retiring from football so he can hostΒ JeopardyΒ and drink scotch. Simultaneously.
  • The Jaguars announce they will be moving to London, but are rejected. “We already have football teams that kick the ball around and don’t use their hands,” explains Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
  • The Los Angeles Chargers are bought by the Kardashians for $2.6 billion. Their name is changed to the Vuittons and they are relocated to a more spacious locale: The Kardashians’ backyard.

The game is being billed as the sexiest matchup since Brad Pitt and Angelina’s first date. And the first thirty minutes live up to exactly none of that hype. As the half comes to an end, Tony Romo is shocked by the scoreless tie and remarks “Nobody saw this coming!”. To which Jim Nantz replies, “That’s what she said” and is promptly terminated by CBS which puts out a statement decrying the remark. The network assures its viewers that degrading remarks about women will not be tolerated. The halftime show’s opening act then begins its set with “Bitch goes down for a dollah”, after which the Weekend takes the stage and performs for exactly that long.

When the teams take the field for the second half, it’s Tuesday afternoon and Mahomes is still AWOL. So is the Chiefs offense, which accumulates minus 81 yards and is trailing 2-0 after the referees chip in to buy Tom Brady’s team a safety. Brady promises the officiating crew seats in his cabinet when he becomes President.

In the fourth quarter, Tampa Bay scores twice; first on a twenty eight yard pass from Brady to Julian Edelman. The referees come together to review the play after KC objects to the fact that Edelman does not play for the Bucs and is actually seated two rows up in the north end zone. The call stands and less than a minute later Brady is sacked and loses the football before he can pull it back in. Nonetheless, after another review Brady is awarded a touchdown for pain and suffering in what is deemed the “What the Tuck Rule”.

Kansas City replaces Chad Henne with actor Ryan Reynolds. Andy Reid will later admit he didn’t realize Reynolds was even on the roster. “He’s a great locker room guy and he always brings donuts in, so I wasn’t asking any questions,”. Reynolds then proceeds to throw for 311 yards and three touchdowns before accepting a lucrative offer to become the Green Bay Packers new quarterback.

Tampa Bay storms back and leads 37-21 with thirty five seconds remaining. On the cusp of winning his seventh title, Tom Brady takes the snap and is about to kneel down when he breaks his hip. The Chiefs recover and call a timeout. As Henne runs back onto the field, Mahomes makes an appearance. He explains that someone placed a tire spike in the parking lot of his hotel, blowing all four tires. “It only took AAA eight hours to respond, which is record time for those guys . . .”

Bill Belichick produces tape from a spy-cam he installed in the parking lot that reveals the culprit bears a striking resemblance to Tom Brady. The quarterback denies all charges, claiming he was in his cryogenic chamber at the time of the incident. Commissioner Roger Goodell settles “Deflate-Gate 2” and “Spy-Gate 3” by removing the Chick-fil-A concessions from both the Patriots and the Buccaneers home stadiums. The inimitable Jason Whitlock will later opine, “Brady and his former coach now have more gates than a posh California suburb,”.

Mahomes enters the game and promptly throws a forty two yard touchdown strike, after which the Chiefs complete a two-point play to close the deficit to eight. The KC wunderkid then recovers the onside kick himself and delivers yet another forty two yard score. He follows this up by running in the two point conversion to tie the game . . . with his eyes closed, while running backwards, and reciting poetry. In Mandarin Chinese.

The Super Bowl goes to overtime and the Chiefs win the toss. Mahomes tosses his third forty two yard score in as many throws and Kansas City becomes the first team to win back to back titles since Brady and the Patriots accomplished the feat in 2004. The Bucs ask for a recount. Brady asks to be driven to a blood bank. Chiefs coach Andy Reid asks for a double cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.

53 thoughts on “The 4th-ish Annual Sorryless Super Bowl LV Preview?! (Results May Vary)

  1. Dear Marco,

    This is prophetic, right? I’m laughing so hard I can hardly see my screen to type. Seriously I didn’t know our Patrick spoke Mandarin Chinese. At any rate, all of Kansas City is a white knuckle. Last year it was the first Super Bowl win in 50 years. Dare we hope for back to back wins? As I’ve said before, I’m not particularly what one would call a football fan but I’m emotionally invested in this game. Thank you for the chuckles and grins. Touchdown!



    Liked by 1 person

    • Rochelle,

      As I was telling Dale, some of these funky previews do possess a kernel of truth. Like, a few years back I predicted a wild scoring second half with Zach Ertz catching the game winner for the Eagles. So there’s that.

      The number forty two, it’s the answer to the meaning of life . . and who knows? Maybe it’ll show up.

      The Chiefs have earned the right to go into this game with tons of confidence. Thing is, they’re too professional for that. They know what happens if you give Brady an inch, and so that’s why I pick KC. They just have that championship focus going on right now.

      I wonder how you say touchdown in Mandarin Chinese?



      Liked by 1 person

  2. B,

    I know that some of your funky… let’s call them premonitions… will come true! They are just that cray cray.

    This was such a hoot to read, I can’t even comment more than to say, yay you for making this fun. And hey, I’ll tune in periodically to see where it all stands (and give you updates πŸ˜‰ )

    So much fun.


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      Some of them will, I believe it. Especially with that crazy train of talent KC possesses. They seem to be playing a different game from the rest of the league on some days. It’s science fiction theater in cleats.

      The Super Bowl is rarely fun for fourth quarters. Even the good games have long periods of meh. I mean, how do you think commercials became such a big deal? Commercials! Because the games used to outright suck. At least now we’re gifted a quarter of two of really good stuff. Usually.



      Liked by 1 person

      • Too funny! (And I can’t believe I used premonition instead of prediction – serious brain fart activity going on here, Mind you, both could work, right?)

        The Super Bowl is rarely fun for all four quarters, you are right. And it make sense that the commercials became the most entertaining part of it. Here in Canada, we would get so frustrated because they would NOT air them. Pissed us off right good, lemme tell you.

        De nada!

        Liked by 1 person

      • What struck me in watching Tom Brady take the Bucks to the Super Bowl was just how good he really is. I always thought it was the coaching that made him great. I don’t think so anymore and I’m not a fan. (This random thought came to you from the result of a low level of caffeine)

        Liked by 1 person

        • I begrudgingly have to agree with your assessment, Boss. He’s not the most talented player of his era- I would argue that is Rodgers. He’s not the most electrifying- I would go with Mahomes. But he is so damned clutch. When they talk about “IT’, the guy’s got that thing and the proof is a Super Bowl appearance in his first year with a new team. A team, by the way, that couldn’t get out of its own way last season.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. oh my gosh is this so fun and i want to reply or comment on so many things
    but will restrain myself and start with a handful

    first – the tony romo disbelief was spot on because i can picture him in that stance and just recently heard folks mention his good he was as an announcer and the way your words it – i could see him saying it verbatim – khaki pants and suit jacket
    second – to bring in Edelman was genius – wasn’t he the one who missed half of the game in a commercial back some time
    but funny how he would come down from the stands
    and the whole Bucs name with Brady and other names is still foreign!
    not as bad as bret Farvre in vikings colors but shaking my head still
    and further
    sexist talk?
    i forgot to mention how egregious the music was at last year’s super bowl with J Lo pole dancing and the other chick (word chosen approximately) was simulating being tied up! it was not a nipple exposure but in some ways was worse
    a nipple might be sexified – but it is still a baby bottle to many!
    but the sexual innuendos from last year’s super bowl music was not only “off” – i feel it stained the minds or young girls and others – and don’t give me “they will see that stuff elsewhere so….”
    because someone should have previewed the performance for taste and classiness and then
    my least favorite part – they had the nerve to show a femal NFL coach – well contrasting her outfit with the sexed uo singers – it was off and thanks for reminding me
    so then this year?
    they pick a one hit wonder “weekend” headliner?
    fine – give someone a boost and all but what? 150 commercials about it during playoff games made me sick of his one song already
    ‘maybe they think he is bruno quality but we shall see


    getting back to your fun post –
    which was layered with the sorry less social depth and well
    rounded tidbits (ah your signature style)
    well rodgers on jeopardy (🀣)
    and London saying no thanks !!

    Liked by 1 person

    • And then there’s the whole Nantz wanting to get paid like Romo. I think that whole thing is going to boil over.

      Edelman? I don’t seem to remember that. But with the Patriots, anything is on the table.

      The idea of these sports leagues talking about respecting women on the one hand and then buying in to rap songs that glorify the exploitation of women? It doesn’t jibe. I mean, I listen to some of this music so I’m not saying I don’t. But it doesn’t belong in the venue. And the sports league bosses don’t have the balls or principles to say so.

      And I was wrong about the spelling of Weekend, which doesn’t have an ‘e’. And you notice how much I care to change it?

      That’s me. Layered.

      Okay, that made me laugh out loud.

      Go Chiefs!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. hey
    had to come back and follow up with the music letdown (saw that coming) and fizzle out of the Chiefs (never saw that coming)
    and did you have any top commercials? mine was the paramount streaming one with Stewart
    and then at the very end the Tag Team Geico one – not even a true super bowl commercial

    et tu?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Truthfully, I haven’t watched a halftime show since Prince, and that was like . . my God. Fifteen years ago at least.

      No one saw it coming, that game the Chiefs had I mean. But credit to the Bucs defense, which stayed patient and consistent throughout.

      I liked the Boss. But I thought there were a couple of keepers, including the Paramount commercial.

      Liked by 1 person

      • hi
        the boss commercial was well done but some folks were like really? wasn’t part of his trade mark new jersey?
        and i know folks will knit pick everything

        but the halftime show might be the worse i have ever seen
        we sat with blank faces
        turns out the commercials that were overplayed advertising for the weekend were better than the performance (and oh my goodness i am still balffled about what they were trying to do with it)
        i didn’t watch the entire game/,
        most of it and saw some good
        coaching with the Bucs – and like i was telling a blogger i met thru your blog (a dude bikes) i think there were so many factors at play – like tje chiefs missing one of their coaches who was in that accident and nkt at the game – a small factor but changes like that contribute
        and then there were surprise plays – bringing in Gronk to throw them off and just clever things that were well planned against maybe a team with a mindset that “assumed” they had it already won

        Liked by 1 person

        • My thing was, I wasn’t certain that he was more left than middle. Not that it matters to me, I think everybody from both sides DOES have to come to a middle ground.

          Glad I missed that show . . again.

          As for the Bucs defense, they played it smart with their safeties and they didn’t overthink it. They didn’t really rush Mahomes, they just stayed patient.

          I’m happy for Arians. The oldest head coach to win a Super Bowl. He’s paid his dues.

          Liked by 1 person

          • that is cool about the oldest head coach – love that
            and I heard some stat about how many years Mahomes ran – and it ws running away from players and around the field – not sure how many yards –
            oh and wondering why you decided to not watch the halftime show at all –
            is it after the prince one you knew it could only go down hill? adding but I am curious as to why you did not watch the halftime show ?

            Liked by 1 person

          • Yes, I heard that one too, about how many yards Mahomes ran in total, but I don’t remember either. LOL

            I usually don’t watch it because I’m making more food or coming up with some other excuse not to watch it. πŸ˜‰

            Yeah, I really loved Prince so that was a gimme. But the halftime show to me is just a commercial, another commercial.

            Liked by 1 person

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