A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . .
The Yankees used to be despised on a level Darth Vader could only dream of. They were damned on Broadway, vilified on the silver screen and despised by rival teams, fans and writers everywhere. Mike Royko, the legendary columnist for the Chicago Sun Times once opined “Hating the Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax,”. In 2002, the President of the Boston Red Sox Larry Lucchino made Yankee hating an iconic paradise when he referred to the Yankees as “The Evil Empire”.
Those were the days.
And then the unthinkable happened; the Yankees became just another team. There’s still plenty of hate thrown their way these days, but it’s simply not the same level of intensity. That’s what happens when you win one measly championship in twenty one years . . . and when you lose to your ancient rivals in historic fashion, after which you stop beating them in the postseason altogether . . . and when you don’t fire a manager every six months . . . and worst of all, that’s what happens when a rival club starts hogging hardware whilst being an enmity magnet in its own right.
Tragically, the Bronx Bombers have lost their mofo. So Imma dish up a 10-step plan that will (hopefully) return the Yankees to most hated status.
Hey . . . a boy can dream.
1- Elon Musk buys the Yankees. You gotta admit, you hate them more already. I do too and I’m a fan!
2- The prevailing opinion is that the Yankees will outbid every other team in order to keep Aaron Judge in the Bronx. Problem is, he’s thirty-years old and injury prone and he’s going to cost enough to pull half the cities in this country out of the red. All the zeroes attached to his next contract will be rewarding him for a once in a lifetime season, and that’s not good business. It’s time to thank him for his services and move on. Unless it’s the Red Sox, in which case we’re gonna have to pay him.
3- Of course we can afford the money Judge is gonna demand. That’s the point. By not rewarding the most popular Yankee since Jeter, fan bases across the map are gonna hate us. This will be especially true if he’s beating up on the National League next season. Unless it’s the Mets, in which case we’re gonna have to pay him.
4- In the best case scenario, Judge signs with a club that is at least a time zone removed from the Bronx. If and when this happens, we figure out how to get Shohei Ohtani. Sell the farm, literally, to get him to New York, and then pay him more than you offered Judge. This will engender even more vitriol. Now we’re cooking!
5- Sign FA Carlos Correa. Yankees fans will quickly forgive the former Astros sins since he’s a sensational player. Every other fan will call us Satan Inc. Mmmmmm.
6- While it would be sublimity squared to sign free agent shortstop Trea Turner away from the Dodgers, we already filled that position with Correa. That ain’t gonna work. So . . . we just buy the Dodgers instead. A tidy 4.5 billion will get ‘er done.
7- Since we’re supping for salt mines, we’re going to buy the World Champion Houston Astros while we’re at it. Hey, if you can’t beat ’em, buy ’em!
8- Our unprecedented free agency haul sets us back a cool 6 billion plus, but it has added a couple hundred wins and a world title to the roster. After which we sell off our redundant positions in order to replenish the farm system we sold away earlier.
9- With a payroll approaching one billion Steinbrenners, the Yanks are slated to pay a couple hundred million in luxury tax penalties as per MLB rules. No sweat, since we’ll just use the money we fetch from our real estate investments in Houston and LA to cover things.
10- Charge Twitter users who won’t pledge their allegiance to the Death Star extra.
I realize there’s no guarantee this sinister plan of mine brings the world series trophy back to the Bronx, but all I know is Darth Vader ain’t walking through that door any time soon and welp . . .
It’s my only hope.